EXPLORING MARRIAGES AND FAMILY, 2 ND EDITION Karen Seccombe © 2015, 2012 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved. Chapter 13 Family Life, Partnering, and Remarriage after Divorce Special Topic: Stepfamilies

Family Dynamics As introduced in Chapter 13, since many couples that remarry or cohabit also have children, this creates “blended families” or “stepfamilies.” © 2015, 2012 Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Family Dynamics While parents are likely to approach remarriage, cohabitation, and a new blended family with great joy and expectation, the children may not be quite as excited. © 2015, 2012 Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Challenges Stepfamilies have unique features, including multiple relationships and dynamics, and stepfamily members may have different expectations, as shown in Chapter 13. This can lead to tension in the stepfamily. © 2015, 2012 Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

What Makes a Successful Blended Family? A solid marriage: –Set aside time as a couple by making regular dates or meeting for lunch or coffee during school time. –Present a unified parenting approach to the children (arguing or disagreeing in front of them may encourage them to try to come between you). © 2015, 2012 Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

What Makes a Successful Blended Family? Work on establishing trust: –Children may feel uncertain about their new family. –Get to know your stepchildren. –Do not take their lack of enthusiasm (and other negative attitudes) personally. –Ensure one-on-one time. –Acknowledge the children’s loss. © 2015, 2012 Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

What Makes a Successful Blended Family? Create clear, safe boundaries: –Discipline by biology, e.g., let the biological parent remain primarily responsible for discipline. –Create a list of family rules; discuss these rules and post them in a prominent place. –Learn what the rules and boundaries are in the children’s other homes, and try to be as consistent as possible. © 2015, 2012 Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

What Makes a Successful Blended Family? –Have family meetings to resolve problems. –Establish the stepparent as more of a friend or counselor. © 2015, 2012 Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

What Makes a Successful Blended Family? Keep ALL parents involved: –Maintain easy access to both biological parents when possible. –Let the children know that you and your ex will continue to love them and be there for them throughout their lives. –Tell your children that your new spouse is not a “replacement” mom or dad, but another person to love and support them. © 2015, 2012 Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

What Makes a Successful Blended Family? Communicate often and openly: –Listen respectfully to one another. –Address conflict positively. –Establish an open and nonjudgmental atmosphere. –Do things together, e.g., games, sports, activities. –Show affection and give praise to one another. © 2015, 2012 Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

What Makes a Successful Blended Family? Ensure that ALL children feel that the house is their home: –Consider moving to a new house, rather than one family moving into the house of the other. –Children need a special spot of their own in the household, even if they cannot have their own room. “Why can’t they say ‘this is Frank’s room, which we use as a study when he’s not here,’ rather than that ‘this is our study, which Frank uses when he’s here.’” © 2015, 2012 Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Traditions, Routines, and Rituals Maintain children’s most important ones whenever possible, even if in conflict –e.g., some children open their gifts on Christmas Eve, while others open them on Christmas morning. Begin to build a new history of shared memories and experiences –e.g., pizza on Friday nights; weekly game night; new special ways to celebrate birthdays. © 2015, 2012 Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

How Children Adjust -- AGE Preschool Age –Believe in magic, so a divorce is never final –Carry guilt that they caused the divorce –Adjust relatively easy to having two homes –Their view of time is very limited, e.g., “you will go to daddy’s house in a week” seems like forever © 2015, 2012 Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

How Children Adjust -- AGE School-age children age 6-10 –May adjust easily because they thrive on cohesive family relationships –Are more accepting of a new adult –Feel competitive for their parent’s attention –Have daily needs to be met © 2015, 2012 Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

How Children Adjust -- AGE Adolescents age –May have the most difficult time adjusting to a stepfamily –Need more time to bond before accepting a new person as a disciplinarian –May not demonstrate their feelings openly, but need love, support, attention, and discipline © 2015, 2012 Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

How Children Adjust -- AGE Adolescents age 15 and over –Feel awkward about parents’ sexuality –May have less involvement in stepfamily life –Prefer to separate from the family as they create their own identities –May not demonstrate their feelings openly, but need love, support, attention, and discipline © 2015, 2012 Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

How Children Adjust -- SEX Both boys and girls in stepfamilies tend to prefer verbal affection, such as praises or compliments, rather than physical closeness, like hugs or kisses Girls tend to be uncomfortable with physical displays of affection from their stepfather Boys seem to accept a stepfather more quickly than girls do © 2015, 2012 Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Vulnerability Stepfamilies are potentially vulnerable: –If current divorce rates continue, two-thirds of second marriages will end in divorce, often due to the stressors of stepfamilies. © 2015, 2012 Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Vulnerability However, this means that one-third of couples in their second marriage will not divorce. –With careful attention, that figure can go much higher! © 2015, 2012 Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

It May Be Time to Seek Professional Help If…. A child directs anger at a particular family member or openly resents a stepparent or parent One parent suffers from great stress A stepparent or parent openly favors one child over another Family members derive no pleasure from usually enjoyable activities © 2015, 2012 Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Blended Families Blended families many not bond instantly, but by taking one’s time, giving everyone a chance to get used to one another, and laying a solid foundation, stepfamilies can thrive, as shown in the opening vignette of Chapter 13. © 2015, 2012 Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

References A-Better-Child.org “Tips for Step Parents and Step Children.” Online: Cohn, L. and Merkel, W One Family, Two Family, New Family: Stories and Advice for Stepfamilies. Riverwood Books. © 2015, 2012 Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

References Kemp, G, Segal, J, and Robinson, L. March “Guide to Step-parenting and Blended Families: How to Bond with Stepchildren and Deal with Stepfamily Problems. HelpGuide.org. Online: es_stepfamilies.htm es_stepfamilies.htm © 2015, 2012 Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

References National Stepfamily Resource Center. June Stepfamily Myths. Online: myths.php myths.php © 2015, 2012 Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.