+ Writing Mini-Lesson: Revision Ms. Yang Foundations I

+ Remember Zinsser’s Principles for Good Writing? Specific nouns Active verbs Clarity Simplicity Brevity Humanity Imitation Thinking, logic, and organization One thought per sentence

+ Let’s check out an example of great revision… 1. Read over the draft paragraph. Notice Ms. Yang’s comments. What does the student need to do in order to improve the draft? 1. Now look at the revised paragraph. What changes do you see in the CONTENT (ideas)? How did she fix her dropped quotes? How did she fix her run-ons and fragment?

+ Content- Revision Questions Does the paragraph explore an original argument that demands proof? Does the paragraph offer unique insights into the story that can be supported by the text? Does the paragraph clearly and fully answer the prompt? In answering the prompt, is the paragraph interesting, relevant and accurate?

+ Support- Revision Questions Is the main argument consistently and clearly supported throughout the paragraph? Does the paragraph include specific evidence from the text (at least 2 direct quotes)? Are the quotes relevant to the main argument? Are there OTHER quotes from the story that would make stronger evidence to support your argument? Is each quote accompanied by clear analysis and explanation? Does the analysis illustrate how the quote builds the main argument?

+ Organization- Revision Questions Does the paragraph has a beginning, middle, and end? Does it begin with a strong assertive statement? (topic sentence) Does the TS follow with pertinent summary, relevant evidence, and clear analysis? Does each sentence build on the sentence that comes before it? Do sentences flow into each other logically?

+ Style- Revision Questions Is the writing is purposeful and fluid? In particular, is each direct quote integrated smoothly into the writing with the writer’s own words? Is each quote introduced with enough story detail so the reader can understand the context of the quote? Are MLA in-text citations correct? See PowerPoint AND Quote Integration Quick Reference on Haiku for pointers.

+ Example of Quote Integration Revision Original: “Since they thought I was a dorky white guy, I’d behave like one. I’d be what they wanted me to be”(Alexie 19) this refers to how George … Revised: As he sits in his car, George reflects on his past interactions with black men, how “since they thought I was a dorky white guy, I’d behave like one. I’d be what they wanted me to be”(Alexie 19).

+ Fixing Run-ons, Comma Splices, and Fragments William is not an independent thinker, he wants to be like his father and loses his own identity. William is not an independent thinker because he wants to be like his father. As a result, Will loses his own identity. His beliefs are only imitating everything his father thinks, for example, the attitude toward gay people. His beliefs are only imitating everything his father thinks. For example, he emulates his father’s attitude toward gay people. When Will tells his dad about beating up Jeremy. The quote “this is going to ruin everything” shows the Senator’s anger and selfish concern for his own reputation. When Will tells his dad about beating up Jeremy, the senator screams, “this is going to ruin everything”(48). His reaction reveals anger and a selfish concern for his own reputation.

+ The Assignment You have now written analysis paragraphs on three short stories: “Breaking and Entering,” “Salt,” and “War Dances.” You will now choose ONE of these practice paragraphs to revise for a major writing grade. Authentic revision requires you to re-examine, re-work, and sometimes rewrite your paper to improve its clarity, development, and style.