You Can Think Before You Act 1

 Most people believe that they have good reasons for whatever they do.  William Glasser, a renowned psychologist, identified five basic needs which we are constantly trying to meet. These are:  Physical Survival (Air, food, shelter, personal safety)  Love and Belonging (Family, friends, team or club activities)  Power and Achievement (Talking without being interrupted, accomplishing a difficult task, competition)  Freedom (having a choice of doing a research paper rather than a project)  Fun (Going to movies, a friend’s home, or the mall, video games)  THERE ARE WAYS TO WORK THINGS OUT THAT ALLOW EVERYONE TO GET HIS OR HER NEEDS MET 2

 The supposedly negative feelings of anger, frustration, disappointment, embarrassment, and sadness, while uncomfortable, are really okay.  It is the way we react to these feelings that cause conflict. 3

 What is Conflict?  Struggle between people who disagree  Verbal, physical, or both 4

 What creates conflict for one might not be the same for someone else  Situational factors, personality differences, and power struggles 5

 Any situation that dissatisfies people  For example concession stand waiting time?? 6

 Values can clash  If tolerance for differences is low, conflict even more likely  One is outgoing, the other isn’t 7

 People feel a need to be in control  Can spur conflict 8

 Preventing conflict is not the issue  Conflict is a fact of life  It’s normal  Conflicts have to be handled appropriately or individuals and society pay a heavy price. 9

 Negative emotions rise  Anger, frustration, fear, pain, humiliation, sorrow or bitterness  People can become ill  Angry and combative people can suffer sickness  Sleep and eating patterns may be affected  Can cause stress which leads to ulcers and heart disease 10

 People say things they don’t mean  In the heat of anger  Say and hurt another person’s feelings  Damage is done, difficult to remove  Relationships suffer  Break up friendships and families  Feuds last a lifetime  Damaged work relationships can cause loss of a job  Violence may occur  Tempers flair, argument can escalate to physical aggression  Injury and even death 11

 The number of people who accept violence and participate in it is growing larger  Fear or violence causes 160,000 students each day to skip classes  Loss of education causes students to be less prepared for further education and careers  Violence among teens is on the rise  In a 4 year period there was a 36% increase 12

 Too great to measure  Your family helps pay the cost  Treating victims in hospital ER’s  Putting criminals through the justice system  Loss of human potential 13

 Violent behavior is usually learned  Learn from adults and TV or movies  Message in sports, music and some games  Can be unlearned by practicing conflict resolution 14

 History of violent victimization or involvement  Attention deficits, hyperactivity, or learning disorders  History of early aggressive behavior  Involvement with drugs, alcohol, or tobacco  Low IQ  Poor behavioral control  Deficits in social cognitive or information- processing abilities  High emotional distress  History of treatment for emotional problems  Antisocial beliefs and attitudes  Exposure to violence and conflict in the family 15

 Authoritarian childrearing attitudes  Harsh, lax, or inconsistent disciplinary practices  Low parental involvement  Low emotional attachment to parents or caregivers  Low parental education and income  Parental substance abuse or criminality  Poor family functioning  Poor monitoring and supervision of children 16

 Association with delinquent peers  Involvement in gangs  Social rejection by peers  Lack of involvement in conventional activities  Poor academic performance  Low commitment to school and school failure 17

 Diminished economic opportunities  High concentrations of poor residents  High level of transience  High level of family disruption  Low levels of community participation  Socially disorganized neighborhoods 18

 Skillful Resolution  Use words, not fists  Take pride in using your mind  Take charge of the situation  Make the decision to resolve conflict peacefully  Don’t satisfy other person’s wish to fight 19

 Try to talk in a location where there are few distractions  When you talk, take turns  Use active listening skills  Show respect in order to get respect  Control your voice  Yelling provokes yelling  Stay calm  Speak the truth  Control your tongue  Name calling, cursing, promote conflict  Use “I” messages  Use body language effectively  Stand firm, don’t stand too closely  Value your own safety  Keep out of danger 20

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 Minor or temporary conflicts may not be worth the time and effort needed to resolve  A friend is always late, pick an earlier time  Adjust your behavior 22

 See the positive side in situations  Don’t focus on negative  Change the subject  Avoid tension  Defuse the situation with confidence  “This isn’t important enough to fight about”  Don’t be easily irritated  They may be just antagonizing you 23

 Do you have a defensive nature?  Taking everything personally  Low self esteem  Work on self esteem to change your attitude 24

 An unbiased third party helps settle differences  Find one on your own  Friends, family, teachers, counselors 25

 Process in which specially trained students help other students resolve conflicts peacefully  Remain neutral  See solutions others might not  Learn to ask questions to clarify thoughts  confidential 26

 1- each person is asked to calmly give his or her version (no interruptions)  2- each then states what he or she wants the other to do  3- mediator asks each what they are willing to do  4- parties eventually agree on the solution or may need adult intervention 27

 Gangs thrive on conflict  Promotes hatred or outsiders  Routinely translates actions into violence  Gangs prey on people who need inclusions and want to belong  Once in a gang, hard to get out 28

 An estimated 30% of 6th to 10th graders in the United States were involved in bullying as a bully, a target of bullying, or both (Nansel et al. 2001).  Among 10 to 24 year olds, homicide is the leading cause of death for African Americans, the second leading cause of death for Hispanics, and the third leading cause of death for American Indians, Alaska Natives, and Asian/Pacific Islanders (CDC 2006).  Of the 5,570 homicides reported in 2003 among 10 to 24 year olds, 86% were males and 14% were females (CDC 2005). 29

 Our words and actions demonstrate both our needs and our feelings to others. How can we resolve the following conflicts and still demonstrate our consideration and respect for the other person as well? Your body language, your choice of words, and your tone of voice can help to de-escalate any conflict situation. 30

 Scenario 1. James and David are going to lunch. The cafeteria is very crowded and each wants to save a seat for a friend. Both students arrive at the same time and choose a space with three vacant seats. James sits at one end and David sits at the other. Both of them want to save the middle seat for their friend. How could they work this out? 31

 Scenario 3.  Sara wants to chat with her friends on the Internet every day when she gets home from school. Her parents insist that she complete her homework before going online or watching television. She feels that since she is a good student that she should be able to do homework on her own time schedule right after dinner. What kind of dialog should she have with her parents? 32

 Scenario 2.  Karen and Ashley want to talk about their plans for the weekend but the only time they see each other at school is during Math class. Mr. Jones, the teacher, also wants everyone’s attention while in his class. He will probably not view their need to talk as being more important than his need to teach Math. How can the girls talk without interfering with the class? 33