Relationship Communication and Love

Steinberg’s Triangular Theory of Love Passion: The motivational component that fuels romantic relationships physical attraction, and the desire for sexual interaction. It instills a deep desire to be united with the loved one. (Kind of like an addiction Intimacy: Emotional component of love that encompasses the sense of being bonded with another person. Includes feelings of warmth, sharing, and emotional closeness. Commitment: Thinking of cognitive aspects of love. Refers t the conscious decision of loving another and maintaining a relationship over time despite potential difficulties.

Steinberg’s Triangular Theory of Love

Steinberg’s Triangular Theory of Love Relationship Type Intimacy Passion Commitment Nonlove Low Liking High Infatuation Empty Love Romantic Love Companionate Love Fatuous Love Consummate Love

Liking Liking: is at the top point of the triangle because it involves intimacy only. Love of this type is characterized by a feeling of closeness and trust. Basic friendship is the perfect example of this type of love because even though you like your friends, the relationship lacks passion and long-term commitment.

Infatuation Infatuation: is at the left point of the triangle and involves passion only. It's characterized by physical attraction and sexual arousal. This type of love often occurs at the beginning of a relationship. It lacks emotional closeness and commitment. If neither develops, this relationship is typically short-lived and superficial.

Empty Love Empty love is at the right point of the triangle and is characterized by a strong commitment to maintaining the relationship. Because empty love lacks emotional closeness and sexual attraction, examples can usually be seen in one of two circumstances: at the beginning of an arranged marriage in an older relationship where both intimacy and passion have deteriorated. In both of these situations, the commitment is the only thing holding the relationship together.

Romantic Love Left side, between the intimacy and passion points. This is because it is characterized by the presence of both sexual passion and emotional intimacy. This is the type of love that a couple feels when their relationship is blossoming; they are drawn physically to each other, but also feel like best friends and enjoy spending time together. As romantic love lacks serious commitment, it is more prevalent in the teenage and young adult years.

Companionate Love Right side of the triangle, between the intimacy and commitment points, and is characterized by the presence of both commitment and emotional intimacy. This love is usually found in older relationships, such as long-term marriages, where the passion has died, but the couple still feels a deep emotional bond and commitment. Companionate love is usually long lasting and can be a very satisfying relationship.

Fatuous Love Located on the bottom of the triangle, between the passion and commitment points. Fatuous love is also called fantasy love because it's almost like the couple wants to be in love, but has no real emotional bond. A whirlwind courtship and marriage would be a good example, because the couple makes a commitment based on sexual fervor, without forming a deep emotional bond to stabilize the relationship.

Consummate Love Consummate love is the complete form of love, representing an ideal relationship toward which people strive. According to Sternberg, these couples will continue to have great sex fifteen years or more into the relationship, they cannot imagine themselves happier over the long-term with anyone else, they overcome their few difficulties gracefully, and each delight in the relationship with one other. However, Sternberg cautions that maintaining a consummate love may be even harder than achieving it. He stresses the importance of translating the components of love into action. “Without expression,” he warns, “even the greatest of loves can die.” Thus, consummate love may not be permanent. If passion is lost over time, it may change into companionate love.

Steinberg’s Triangular Theory Worksheet

Gottman’s Constructive Communication Tactics Leveling and Editing: Use “I” Statements “I feel” Statements work well Edit things out that will be hurtful to our partners and are not relevant to the discussion at hand Don’t bring up a conversation from 3 weeks ago about something completely unrelated

Gottman’s Constructive Communication Tactics Validating: Tells our partners that we are listening to their point of view and that we can understand why they feel or think the way they do Avoid being dismissive “I acknowledge your point of view, but I don’t necessarily agree with it”

Gottman’s Constructive Communication Tactics Volatile Dialogue: CONFLICT CAN BE HEALTHY! Couples in the early stages of the relationship who experienced some conflicts and arguments reported less satisfaction than early stage couples who rarely or never argued, but after 3 years the opinions changed and people who occasionally argue report more relationship happiness. Why?

Gottman’s Destructive Communication Tactics Criticism: involves the expression of contempt and denigration can harm a relationship Complaints are effectively registered with someone’s character and as a personal attack when you use “you” Statements

Gottman’s Destructive Communication Tactics Contempt: Degrades communication even more through an intense use of insults, sarcasm, and even name calling. Can also be expressed nonverbally by sneering, rolling ones eyes, or ignoring a partners thoughts or messages This tactic causes emotional pain and does nothing to resolve the issues It creates more defensiveness, resentment, and erodes a relationship.

Gottman’s Destructive Communication Tactics Defensiveness: Constructing a defense rather than attempting to discuss and resolve an issue Self protective responses, making excuses, denying responsibility, or replying with criticism of one’s own.

Gottman’s Destructive Communication Tactics Stonewalling: When a person concludes that any response to a partners criticism or complaint will not be helpful or productive and therefore decides not to respond at all.

Gottman’s Destructive Communication Tactics Belligerence: Confrontational interaction likely to emerge as a relationship suffers from prolonged patterns of poor communication. Entails a purposely provoking style of interaction intended to diminish or challenge a partners right to influence patterns of interaction in a relationship. Using terms like “What are you going to do about it?” or “Make me” and not in a fun flirty way.

Gottman’s Constructive and Destructive Communication Tactics Worksheet

References Sternberg, Robert J. (1986). “A triangular theory of love”. Psychological Review 93 (2): 119–135. doi:10.1037/0033- 295X.93.2.119. Retrieved 2007-06-27. Sternberg, Robert J. (1987). Liking versus loving: A comparative evaluation of theories. Psychological Bulletin. pp. 331– 345. Sternberg, Robert J. (1988). The Triangle of Love: Intimacy, Passion, Commitment. New York: Basic Books. ISBN 0-465- 08746-9.