How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk

 “All we are given are possibilities- to make ourselves one thing or another.”  -Jose Ortega Y Gasset

 Important brain connections are formed early on in life

 “I was a wonderful parent before I had children!”  What where your expectations of parenthood?  How are they in contrast to the realities of parenting?

 How we sabotage our children’s feelings  Dismissing their perception of reality  “I was telling my children over and over again not to trust their own perceptions but to rely on mine instead.”  Practice:  CHILD: I don’t like the new baby.  PARENT: (denying the feeling)  CHILD: I had a dumb birthday party (After all the work you put into it)  PARENT: (denying the feeling)

 How can be become more empathetic to our children’s view of their own reality?  They can learn to help themselves if they have a listening ear and an empathetic response.  This “language” does not come naturally to use, we must practice this reflective listening.  To help with feelings:  Listen will full attention, acknowledge the feeling, give feelings a name, give them their wishes in fantasy.

 Give feelings a name  CHILD:“Daddy my turtle died. He was my friend.”  PARENT:“To lose a friend can hurt. I know you really cared about your turtle”  Parents are afraid to give feelings a name sometimes for fear they may make the situation worse. Just the opposite is true. Children who hear the words for what they are experiencing are deeply comforted.

 Having an “attitude” of understanding.  The key to successfully helping your child deal with their feelings is your attitude.  Having an attitude of compassion is essential for our message to be heard  “It is when our words are fused with our real feelings of empathy that we speak directly to a child’s heart”

 Exercises  Read each statement and figure out a word or two that might describe how the child is feeling, and a statement you might make to the child to show you understand  “The bus driver yelled at me and everybody laughed”  “I’d like to punch that Michael in the nose!”  “Just because of a little rain my teacher said we couldn’t go outside, she’s dumb”  “Janey is moving away and she’s my best friend.”

 Assignment for the month:  At least once a week have a conversation with a child in which you accept his or her feelings. Jot down what was said while it’s still fresh in your mind.