TEEN DATING VIOLENCE

What is it??? Teen dating violence, (TDV), is a pattern of controlling, aggressive, & abusive behaviors over another within a romantic relationship.

1.Verbal: Name calling, put-downs, threats to harm or kill you or a loved one, tells you no one else will ever love you, threatens to commit suicide if you leave them, tells you how to dress. 2.Emotional: Shows jealousy, humiliates you in front of others, keeps tabs on you, keeps you from spending time with others(friends and family), breaks your possessions. 3.Physical: hitting, grabbing, physically traps you, pulls hair… 4.Sexual: Forces you to have sex against your own will, rape, not letting someone use birth control, violent sex 5.Financial: run up the victims credit card and make them pay. TYPES OF VIOLENCE

TEEN DATING VIOLENCE STATS Girls and women between the ages of experience the highest rates of intimate partner violence. Teen girls face relationship violence 3 times more than adult women. 45% of teen girls know someone who has been pressured or forced into having intercourse or oral sex. Only 33% of teens who have in or known about an abusive dating relationship report having told anyone about it. Many teens think this is normal. Cell phone calls & texting mean constant control: 1in 3 teens say they are text messaged 10, 20, 30 times/hour by a partner keeping tabs on them. 82% of parents whose teens were ed or texted 30 times an hour were not aware of this. The majority of parents of teen victims are unaware of the abuse.

A healthy relationship is a connection between people that increases well-being, is mutually enjoyable, and enhances or maintains each individual’s positive self concept Does it have to be this way??? NO! What is a healthy relationship?

12 Qualities of a Healthy Relationship Mutual Respect Anger control Trust Problem solving Honesty Fighting fair Compromise Understanding Individuality Self-confidence Good Communication Being a role model

WARNING SIGNS YOU may be in a violent relationship He wants relationship to get serious way too quickly, says “I love you” on the second date. She is constantly checking up on you. Feeling isolated, alone, manipulated & controlled. His threats & anger are followed by vows of love & pleas for your forgiveness. He makes you feel afraid to express your thoughts/feelings, what to wear, or who to hang out with. He treats his mother disrespectfully. SOMEONE YOU KNOW may be in a violent relationship They seem to be emotionally broken down, bruised, quiet, nervous when talking with the person they’re dating, distracted, & out of school a lot. Weight & appearance has changed since dating. He acts extremely jealous when she talks to another guy. She constantly worries about making him angry. Partner is always checking up, texting, & demanding to know their where-abouts.

CYCLE OF ABUSE: How it all begins & why it’s so hard to leave Acute battering stage = Explosion stage

WHY DO PEOPLE ABUSE??? 1.They have the desire to control and manipulate the way a partner acts, feels, and thinks. To manipulate means making the victim feel responsible for their partner’s harmful action. Making the victim think it’s their fault for them being abused. 2.They think it’s the “normal” way to act. 3.Because feelings of insecurity make them think they need power over others. 4.They’ve learned they can get what they want by abusing. 5.They don’t know other non-violent ways to respond to anger, frustration, or conflict. 6.Because they’re using alcohol or drugs, which can sometimes cause people to become abusive or do things they’d otherwise never do. (such as commit date rape)

WHY DON’T THEY JUST LEAVE??? 1. LOVE: Part of them still loves the abuser, they see the good in them & don’t want to see them suffer more. 2. Hope: The victim believes the abuser will change or that they can change them. 3. Fear: The #1 reason they don’t leave is they fear for their lives. 4.Embarassment, humiliation, shame 5. Lack of support: emotional, financial 6. Lack of self-esteem/confidence: Abuser brainwashes them into believing they are worthless, they can’t make it on their own, & no one will ever be interested in them. 7. Lack of Knowledge: About relationships & community resources.

HOW CAN I HELP??? Do: Assure confidentiality, let the victim know if you must report Do: Be understanding, non-blaming, honest, and supportive Do: Listen and validate feelings Do: Acknowledge the abuse, show concern Do: Ask questions, help victim to identify abusive behaviors Do: Remind them of their strengths, compliment them Do: Assess for danger Do: Express concern Do: Offer help, refer to school social worker, guidance, administrator Do: Share information about dynamics of abusive relationships Do: Support their decisions, be patient, and offer support for as long as it takes Do: Provide information: National Domestic Violence Hotline SAFE National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline Your State Coalition Against Domestic Violence can be found at:

Don’t:* Judge or blame Don’t: Talk to victim & abuser together Don’t: Pressure Don’t: Place conditions on your support Don’t: Assume victim wants to leave relationship Don’t: Put down the abuser

SAFETY PLANNING FOR TEENS Think ahead about ways to be safe if you are in a dangerous or potentially dangerous relationship. And you must remember that you are in the greatest danger AFTER breaking up with your boyfriend. Here are some things to consider: On average it takes someone 7 times before they successfully leave an abusive relationship. With your parents, consider going to the police and getting a restraining order. Notify your school and workplace about this and your situation so they can help to keep you safe. Know that a restraining order alone cannot protect you at all times. Your safety plan can help. What people at school can you tell in order to be safe— teachers, principal, counselors, police resource officers?

Safety Planning Continued… Consider changing your school locker or lock. (sometimes you may need to change schools as well) Consider changing your route to/from school. Use a buddy system for going to school, classes and after school activities. What friends can you tell to help you remain safe? If stranded, who could you call for a ride home? Try not to be alone. Go out with friends or in groups.

Lastly, Keep a journal describing the abuse in detail. Write down dates, witnesses, the type of abuse and what was said or any done to you or your property. Take photos of your injuries and damage done to your property. Tape record any phone calls from the abuser. Print out messages File police reports and see a doctor for injuries and be truthful with them. They will document the injuries. Keep all police and medical records and your journal in a safe place.