Gratitude Summary HABITUATION: ORDEAL OF THE ORDINARY Frankfurt- how travel brings out issues we are so habituated to that we don’t know what to be grateful for Hawaii story Benefits: Happiness, decreased health sleep, children pay it forward –STRESS- TWO BERACHAS

GRATITUDE SUMMARY (CONTINUED) DEVELOPING THE HABIT OF ATTENTION –Least grateful to those we owe the most- Krech on a disastrous Monday GRATITUDE VISIT-LETTER TO TEACHER FRIDAY NIGHT- COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS UNIQUENESS IN BERACHA ZOKAYF KEFUFIM

ויקרא רבה ( מרגליות ) פרשה ט [ ז ] ר ' פינחס ור ' לוי ור ' יוחנן בש ' ר ' מנחם דגליא לעתיד לבוא כל הקרבנות בטילין קרבן תודה אינו בטל, כל התפילות בטילות הודאה אינה בטילה In the future, all sacrifices will be abolished except for the thanksgiving offering.. All prayer will be abolished except for prayers of gratitude

Amalek after Rephidim: Medrash Tanchuma Amalek came and battled Yisrael in Rephidim. (17:8) The Rabbis tell us that the verse which tells us of Amalek’s attack on Israel is juxtaposed to the previous verse in which the Jews tested Hashem, asking, "Is Hashem in our midst?" Hashem responded, "I am always in your midst. I never leave your side. Yet, you ask such a question! This is compared to a man who placed his son upon his shoulder and set forth on a journey. Whenever the boy would see an object that caught his fancy, he would ask his father for it, and the father would oblige. This happened a number of times. They later encountered a man, at which point the son asked the man, "Have you seen my father?“ Hearing this, the father said to his son, "Do you not know where I am?" He immediately cast his son off his shoulders, and a dog came and bit him.”

שמות רבה ( וילנא ) פרשת בשלח פרשה כו Son on Father’s Shoulders ויבא עמלק, וכי מה ענין זה אצל זה משל לתינוק שהיה רוכב על כתיפו של אביו וראה חבירו של אביו אמר לו ראית את אבא, אמר לו אביו אתה רוכב על כתפי ואתה שואל עלי, הריני משליכך ויבא השונא וישלוט בך, כך אמר הקב " ה לישראל אני נשאתי אתכם על ענני כבוד ואתם אומרים היש ה ' בקרבנו לפיכך יבא השונא וישלוט בכם הוי ויבא עמלק.

"Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others." -Cicero, Ancient Roman Statesman and Philosopher, Cicero books//Cicero books//

Gratitude

Gratitude is a Core Value The word “Yehudi” – Jewish has at it’s root the word gratitude- –Leah being thankful that she now has more than her “fair” share of children Cicero described gratitude as the father of all virtues

Gratitude Makes us Kinder Expressing gratitude makes it more likely that: –The benefactor will continue to act benevolently –The recipient will be generous to others –Peterson & Stewart (1996) Antecedents and contexts of generativity. Psychology and aging, 11:21-33

Personality Correlates High agreeableness Forgiveness Low narcissism Low envy In Psychology of Gratitude, Chapter 7

Enjoyment Incomplete Without Praise CS Lewis: “I think we delight to praise what we enjoy because the praise not merely expresses but completes the enjoyment; it is it’s appointed consummation. It is not out of compliment that lovers keep on telling one another how beautiful they are, the delight is incomplete until it is expressed”

A Chakira: What if person were told we could arrange for you to see heaven; to see exactly what’s happening in the spiritual realm on the condition that you can’t share it with others, you cant tell anybody what you experienced, will you take undertake this spiritual journey with such a condition attached?

Habituation

Getting Used to Even the Most Spectacular Settings Hotel worker in a magnificent hotel in Hawaii: –“for me it’s just a job- just a place I come to every workday from 9 to 5”

Habituation: We Tend to be Least Grateful to those we are Closest to Research shows that people tend to be more grateful for the unexpected- they experience less gratitude for benefits rendered by someone who is close the them than bo someone who is is less close to them Bar-tal (1977) reciprocity behavior in the relationship between donor and recipient. Sociometry, 40:

Gregg Krech: “Exploring The Link Between Gratitude And Attention.” Walks us through a day that is destined for disaster from the moment the alarm clock refuses to turn off, all the way through to a near death experience driving to work. Only when things go “wrong” do we tend to notice our surroundings. it takes an event “out of the ordinary” to shake us up in order for us to stop and appreciate what a “normal” day means. life is defined in relative terms.

Krech: Continued Turn the story around and describe a day when the alarm goes off as you expect it should, and you get to work safe and sound without any near misses. Would you arrive at work feeling an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the fact that your day is running smoothly, according to plan; unlikely, but certainly attainable. How do we respond to that which we expect?

Duties Of The Heart (Chovos Halevavos), Reasons For Our Ingratitude To G-d “People...grow up surrounded with a superabundance of Divine favors which they experience continuously, and to which they become so used that they come to regard these as essential parts of their being, not to be removed or separated from themselves during the whole of their lives. When their intelligence develops and their mental faculties become strong, they foolishly ignore the benefits the Creator has bestowed on them and do not consider the obligation of gratitude for Divine beneficence, for they are unaware of the high degree of the boon..." (Introduction to Section Two; translation by Moses Hyamson; Feldheim edition.)

Overcoming Habituation Developing the Habit of Attention

Instilling Gratitude: Rav Alexandri on Cultivating A Fresh Look תלמוד בבלי מסכת עבודה זרה דף יט עמוד ב מכריז רבי אלכסנדרי : מאן בעי חיי ? מאן בעי חיי ? כנוף ואתו כולי עלמא לגביה, אמרי ליה : הב לן חיי, אמר להו : + תהלים לד + מי האיש החפץ חיים וגו ' נצור לשונך מרע וגו ' ( סור מרע ועשה טוב וגו ') R. Alexandri was once calling out, ‘Who wants life, who wants life?’ All the people came and gathered round him saying: ‘Give us life!’ He then quoted to them מי האיש החפץ חיים

The Ordeal of the Ordinary The passage regarding taking care of the poor while working in the fields is incongruously placed in the middle of the Torah’s section on the grandeur of the holidays- –Interestingly this is the passage that we select to teach to a convert –This is to teach us that while inspiration is easy when inspired by the highpoints of Jewish life such as the holidays but we need to remain inspired and wedded to Jewish ideals even in the mundane, day to day life of work

Developing a Habit of Attention: The Ordeal of the Ordinary ויקרא פרק כג כא ) וקראתם בעצם היום הזה מקרא קדש יהיה לכם כל מלאכת עבדה לא תעשו חקת עולם בכל מושבתיכם לדרתיכם : ( כב ) ובקצרכם את קציר ארצכם לא תכלה פאת שדך בקצרך ולקט קצירך לא תלקט לעני ולגר תעזב אתם אני יקוק אלהיכם : ס ( כג ) וידבר יקוק אל משה לאמר : ( כד ) דבר אל בני ישראל לאמר בחדש השביעי באחד לחדש יהיה לכם שבתון זכרון תרועה מקרא קדש :

תלמוד בבלי מסכת יבמות דף מז עמוד א Why This Set of Mitzvot? גר שבא להתגייר בזמן הזה, ומודיעין אותו עון לקט שכחה ופאה ומעשר עני.

Finding Inspiration in the “Fields” To teach the convert that Judaism is not all about the majesty and inspiration of the holidays- it’s also the mundane, day to day obligations that have to be adhered to when out in the “field”

Gratitude and Happiness Repeatedly studies have found that those who score high on measures of gratitude also score high on measures of subjective well being 95% of individuals describe feeling happy when expressing gratitude; over 50% say that expressing gratitude made them feel extremely happy

Gratitude, Optimism and Health Emmons R & McCullough, M (2003) Counting blessings. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84:377 Over course of ten weeks participants assigned to one of three groups: (1) asked to write about five things they were grateful for during the past week (2) five hassles from past week or (3) five events that affected them Those in gratitude group felt better about their lives as a whole, were more optimistic about the future, reported fewer health complaints and exercised more

counting blessings vs burdens, pers & social psych 84:377 Script from Emmons & McCullough, (2003) At the beginning and end of each day, list five things for which you are grateful, and then take a few minutes to meditate on the gift inherent in each. One means of elucidating this sense of appreciation is the use the following sentence stem: “ I appreciate ___ because ___. In the first blank, list the person, event or thing for which you are grateful, and in the second blank state the reasons for each of the things for which you have expressed gratitude. Discuss the effects of one week of this practice with a classmate, and tweak the exercise as you wish

Developing the Habit of Attention Friday night ritual: –One thing from the previous week family member is grateful for –While bentching child cueing in to unique trait in child’s personality that one is grateful for

Nirganut: Cynicism משלי פרק טז פסוק כח איש תהפכות ישלח מדון ונרגן מפריד אלוף : (Mishlei 16:28), A perverse man sows quarrels; and a whisperer separates close friends. מצודת ציון משלי פרק טז פסוק כח ( כח ) ונרגן - ענין תלונה כמו ותרגנו באהליכם ( דברים א ):

Meshech Chochmo on The Cost of Cynicism ויקרא פרק כד פסוק כג וידבר משה אל בני ישראל ויוציאו את המקלל אל מחוץ למחנה וירגמו אתו אבן ובני ישראל עשו כאשר צוה יקוק את משה : The Meshech Chochma asks why does it say כאשר צוה – bnei Yisroel did many things at Hashem’s command? Why single out the incident of the mekalel for saying כאשר צוה ? A complainer can cool off one’s enthusiasm. The mekalel complained about the lechem hapanim. He scoffed at a mitzvah that involves making an offering of week old, cold, stale bread.

There is always a danger when one is exposed to a complainer that a seed of doubt is planted regarding one’s zeal and commitment to what they are doing The Meshech Chochma explains that the complaints of the makalel did not impact on the ardor of בני ישראל in carrying out the כאשר צוה of the lechem hapanim

Antidode to Relative Deprivation (Fridja) “Adaptation to satisfaction can be counteracted by constantly being aware of how fortunate one’s condition is and how it could have been otherwise How we choose to receive that which is being given to us can be a learned skill. Our ultimate challenge in life is to combat that natural state of habituation.

Impediments to Gratitude: and their Antidote Self-preoccupation. We are so engrossed in our individual life-dramas; little room is left to notice the needs of others. –Solution: Develop muscle of empathy and awareness of the needs and suffering of other

Impediments to Gratitude and their Antidote Expectation. We expect that which we are accustomed to. Once we develop an expectation, we are no longer surprised or attentive to it. My attention is grabbed only when my expectation is NOT met. –Solution: Combat entitlement with required helpfulness

Impediments to Gratitude and their Antidote Entitlement. The more we feel deserving or entitled, the less likely we are to feel grateful for it. I worked hard for my paycheck; I am entitled to my opinion. As long as I feel entitled to something, I won’t view my salary or my democratic freedoms as gifts. –Solution: Exposure to those who have to work hard for what they get

Gratitude Takes Practice Noticing takes practice, otherwise we take the obvious for granted Gratitude develops through continual practice. Without practice, there is absolutely no guarantee that this trait will flow naturally from within. It is too easy to passively fall victim to becoming accustomed to habitual inattention.

Set the Example. Parents have to model behavior they hope their children adopt as their own. A simple, sincere expression of gratitude when the kids do something they were asked to do is always appropriate. Taking an extra moment to thank a sales clerk at the store or to tip your news carrier for getting the paper on the porch every day lets them know that gratitude is acceptable and encouraged.

Instilling gratitude Children should be reminded to thank parents for what they may take for granted- for example, help with homework, a lift to a friend’s house, or taking them out to dinner. Parents should resist any tendency to inadvertently sabotage this lesson by responding with phrases like: “don’t mention it”. Instead, the child should be praised for expressing gratitude. Acting as a role model by expressing gratitude to others, in front of your child, is another powerful lesson in instilling this core value.

Getting comfortable with teaching children to say thank you Parents are often uncomfortable with asking for recognition of the countless acts of kindness they do for their children. Getting children into the habit of thanking parents is an important component of teaching them this central value of being a Jew.

Role of Tragedy and Loss Second most reported emotion in Manhattan in the months after 9/11 was gratitude Observation that those sitting shiva often report feeling intense feelings of gratitude towards whoever helped them

Naikan: Japanese method of self-reflection, Journal keeping so that people can start to think about things in their lives as benefits or as gifts that are given to them, and not necessarily things they have earned or deserved –Three questions related to gratitude asked during daily meditation by Naikan What have I received from others? What have I given to others? What troubles and difficulties have I caused others?

Power of Mistakes “as long as I am humbled by my own mistakes or limitations, I am more likely to receive what I am given with gratitude and a true sense of appreciation for the giver as well as the gift.” Surgeon study