Rituals/Traditions and the Intentional Family Adapted from The Intentional Family by William J. Doherty “An Intentional Family is one whose members create a working plan for maintaining and building family ties, and then implement them as best they can…. [T]he Entropic Family, through lack of conscious attention to its inner life and community ties, gradually loses a sense of cohesion over the years.”

Family Glue Rituals/Traditions Provide: Predictability a sense of order, regularity, and security Connection a sense of rebuilding bonds Identity a sense of belonging and uniqueness/specialness Value Enactment a sense of what we believe, honor, and hold dear

Defining Rituals/Traditions Activities that are: Intentional Repeated Consistent Coordinated And have: Meaning/significance to family members Three Phases: Transition Phase (moving from regular time/space to special time/space) Enactment Phase (enjoying special time/space) Exit Phase (leaving special time/space to return to regular time/space)

Categorizing Rituals/Traditions By Function Connection (family meals; rising and retiring, coming and going; going away) Love (weekly dates; sexual relations; anniversaries) Celebration (birthdays, Mother’s/Father’s Day, holidays) Community (religious events, passages, funerals, weddings) By Timing Event-based (baptisms) Yearly (summer vacations) Monthly (deep-clean Saturdays) Weekly (Sunday scones) Daily (family meals)

Creating, Changing, or Blending Family Rituals/Traditions Direct Route: 1.Choose a peaceful moment for the discussion. 2.Explain that you would like to discuss a specific family ritual. 3.Express your feelings or needs related to the ritual. 4.Invite others to share their own feelings, needs, and thoughts about the ritual. 5.Offer your ideas tentatively, rather than definitively. 6.Negotiate a trial run that balances everyone’s needs. 7.Agree to follow up to determine how everyone likes the new or modified ritual. Indirect Route: 1.Make something happen one time without major comment. 2.Ask how others liked the new or modified activity and if they would like to make it part of the family’s ritual in the future. 3.Negotiate the specifics of the new or modified ritual.

Managing Effective Family Rituals/Traditions 1.Adult agreement 2.Eventual buy-in from the children 3.Maximum participation 4.Clear expectations 5.Minimal conflict 6.Protection from erosion 7.Openness to change

Cultural Caution “Where family or national traditions or customs conflict with the teachings of God, set them aside. Where traditions and customs are in harmony with His teachings, they should be cherished and followed to preserve your culture and heritage.” Elder Richard G. Scott