Dr James Wilder and Shepherd’s House Pasadena, CA Based on brain research of Allan Schore and Daniel Siegel

Today’s Objective: Brief Overview of Human Development Bonding and the brain Stages of development Choice Theory Trauma and Recovery Different types of traumas Different types of bonds Joy Building : the Five Love Languages

It’s all about JOY Joy is the driving power in life DELIGHT in being together Joy is an experience between people of the value, regard, and esteem that they feel and express to the other. Joy only occurs in and through relationship Joy is not the same as happiness Joy can exist even in times of suffering and pain

Capacity – the ability to do or experience something Physical Personal Interpersonal Spiritual

Physical, personal, inter-personal, and spiritual capacity

Experiences of Joy build CAPACITY Emotional and relational capacity, stability and resiliency Joyful personality Ability to return to joy complete processing of an experience Joy builds a healthy brain and person Healthy bonds build healthy brains Healthy bonds are built with JOY [Joy comes from God! (God peace)]

What is your JOY capacity?? How well do you handle stress? Can you maintain relationships when stressed? How much stress can you handle before you fall apart? Can you maintain joy even when suffering?

Joy develops the Control Center of the brain that… Forms and grows relationships Regulates emotions Processes and learns from experiences Joy builds capacity!

Right side of the brain The emotional, relational side of the brain as compared to the logical, verbal left brain Executive Control System of the brain Stores information as experiences, not facts Monitors and responds to forms of interpersonal communication at the emotional level Governs and regulates emotions and relationships Develops capacity as a response to joy

Capacity to return to Joy from the “Big Six” negative emotions Joy SadnessAnger FearDespair DisgustShame

Infancy – learn to receive Childhood - care for self Adult – mutually satisfying relationships Parent - care sacrificially for children Elder - care sacrificially for community

Love- based Bonds – truth, delight, approach Fear-based Bonds – false, shame, avoidance Most bonds are a mix: how to build more love and Reduce fear – not from theory, but experience

Love- based Bonds – truth, delight, approach Think about your closest friendship and tell your group how that friendship illustrates the love-based bonds characteristics.

Free to choose how to meet our Basic Needs: Love/belonging power freedom fun

Love/belonging, power, freedom, fun Infancy – learn to receive Childhood - care for self Adult – mutually satisfying relationships Parent - care sacrificially for children Elder - care sacrificially for community

Glasser argues that we are free and that we choose our “total behaviors—thinking, feeling, acting, physiological states”– do you agree? Why or why not?

The “Big Picture” of Trauma Recovery Psychological trauma is caused by a processing failure Experiences that are too intense for our Control Center’s capacity disrupt … how all or a part of the Control Center functions to process intense experiences how the Control Center returns to JOY

Factors that turn an event into a trauma As one is traumatized, the Control Center gets overstressed and shuts down from top to bottom Level 5 - Lose ability to verbalize and “make sense” Level 4 - Lose the ability to act like ourselves Level 3 - Lose the ability to connect to others Level 2 - Lose the ability to regulate fight or flight Level 1 - Lose the ability to perceive people and reality

A Trauma: A bsence of Good Things B Trauma : Bad things that happen

Symptoms of trauma Intrusive thoughts, feelings, memories, flashbacks Avoidance behaviors –forced forgetting; avoiding triggers; addictions and self-medicating Hyper-arousal - excessive, inappropriate, or free- floating anxiety Personality changes – people not acting like themselves, e.g., depression, anger, violence Disconnecting from people ; becomes non-relational Disconnecting from reality

Trauma Recovery means to return to Joy Reconnect (and remain connected) to God and others so that we … Return to Joy (experience God peace) Recover our internal stability Process the experience into feelings and words Correct false ideas of our experiences, selves, others, and God

When we are “stuck” and cannot return to joy in our own capacity, “High Joy” people can help us return to joy as long as their capacity is not overwhelmed Immanuel – God with us

Five Love Languages Quality Time Acts of Service Words of Affirmation Gifts Touch