Peer-Pressure Vs Parents Olive Belvitt February 2013

Natural Tendencies When children were little parents usually chose their friends. Ex. play-dates with children they knew and liked. As children become more independent they begin to choose their own friends.

The connection becomes that of an extended family. Therefore, it is natural for children to influence the behaviors and choices of others. Most are usually positive.

This peer group extends to children in their classes, sports teams, churches and community. They are influenced by their dress styles, actions, what they are involved in and the attitudes they show.

What is Peer-Pressure? It is the influence exerted by a an individual or group, that encourages others to change their values, attitudes or behaviors in order to conform. It’s most common with children and teens.

Why do children give-in to peer pressure? They want to be liked, to fit in, fear others might make fun of them if they don’t go along with the group. Some are curious to try new ideas or things.

Peer influence isn’t all bad Children and teens are more willing to behave negatively to those who are not in their own peer group. Peers can pressure each other towards positive behaviors such as: Academics Athletics Volunteering

“Identity Shift Effect” Harmony is disrupted when faced with threats of external conflict (social rejection) for failure to be part of the group. This forces the person to conform to the group norm, thus, eliminating the external conflict. However, as he does, internal conflict surfaces, because he has violated his own standards (self-rejection).

“Identity Shift Effect” To eliminate self- rejection an “identity shift” takes place. The person now adopts the group standards as his/her own. This eliminates both internal and external conflicts (returns to state of harmony) with a new identity.

How to deal with Peer-Pressure A). Avoid “JADE” Justifying Arguing Defending Explaining Use simple phrases “No, Thank you.” “I appreciate the offer, but no thanks.” “I need to go” It’s a way to end the conversation about your personal decision.

Assess risks & consequences B). Decision-making refuse avoid leave Hecht &Miller-Day of Penn State.

How to resist negative Peer Pressure? Resistance Skills: People who lack resistance skills are often involved in negative interactions and violent behaviors. 1. Good decision making Knowing when a situation is harmful, unsafe, illegal, violent or disrespectful.

2. Positive Self-Esteem It provides the ammunition to say NO to poor behaviors. Children with positive self-esteem choose responsible friends. They are active in their school and community. (Affirmations are good boosters for positive self-esteem.)

3. Assertive Behavior. This means being honest with your thoughts and behaviors in non-threatening ways. Being assertive keeps the child in control of himself or herself, which keeps him/her in control of the situation.

4. Send a clear message. A firm and simple NO is very important. Use nonverbal body language and nonverbal behavior. Ex. Don’t laugh when your friend bullies someone.

5. Avoid negative Peer Groups A student who makes good decisions and choices makes it easier for others to do the right thing. Children who demonstrate these resistance skills usually grow into adults with successful lives and great relationships.

Suggestions Let them know what resources are available- parents, counselors, pastors, doctors, even grandparents.

Talk so They Will Listen Connecting Eyes: Squat to their eye level, say – Jill, I need your eyes or your ears. Be brief: Too much talking is a big mistake. It is a good way for your child to get you sidetracked.

Make an Offer/Avoid Power Struggle: Offer a reason for your request that is to the child’ advantage. This get them to move out of the power position. “Clean your room so you can go the movies.”

Be Positive: Begin Directives with – I want you to.. “I want you to let Sandra have a turn now.” Not “Let Sandra have a turn.” “I want” gives a reason for compliance, not just an order

Listen so that they can talk(Teens) 1. Listen to specific concerns – Ask, Are you saying Initiate conversation during shared activities. Like, making dinner. 3.Listen with interest and respect. 4. Use “I” instead of “you” –less pressure 5. Listen to body language as well as words. 6. Talk as equals. 7. Praise your child, it will boost their self- esteem.

8.Show unconditional love. Teens feel they lose their parents love if they do something wrong. 9.Help them to become part of the solution.