WORKING WITH YOUNG MEN WHO ARE VIOLENT 5 Days of Violence Prevention Stockholm May 2014 John Doyle Coordinator of the MEND Programme A Project of the Men’s Development Network. Ireland

Men’s Development Network, Ireland (established 1997) “Better Lives for men; Better Lives for All” Works locally, regionally and nationally in Ireland with men exploring a range of issues such as marginalisation, men’s health, male gender conditioning, men’s violence to women. Through Campaigns such as the White Ribbon Campaign and the Turn Off The Red Light Campaign, the Men’s Development Network supports men to play an active role in ending violence against women. Also involved in EIGE. See

MEND [men ending domestic abuse] A project of the Men’s Development Network (MDN) and funded by Cosc, the National Office in Ireland for the Prevention of Domestic, Sexual and Gender-based Violence Working with men who have been violent or abusive within the context of intimate partner relationships. The MEND Programme also includes an integrated partner support service Today’s presentation based on my experience of working both with men in Men’s Development Network and in the MEND Programme See

Men’s Development Groups Listening to the men’s stories Identifying with men’s situations Exploring male gender conditioning/homophobia Inviting men out of isolation Working from strengths Valuing emotional expression Spaciousness Trusting the process Empathy Humour No or little advice giving “Better Lives for Men, Better Lives for All” MEND - Intervention Programmes for Male Perpetrators Holding men accountable Making men responsible Challenging men’s violent behaviour Confronting men Not colluding Interrupting their stories to avoid minimization, denial and blame Assessing and managing risk Limited Time Becoming suspicious of men Serious business! Giving answers “The primary aim the safety of women and children” First there were: Then there came:

RELATONSHIP Presence/Still Connection/contact In attunement Embodied Curious Reflective Listening COMPASSION Empathy Open hearted Vulnerable Respectful Spaciousness (some filtering into:) PURPOSE Context Frame Direct (yet non-directive) Focused Challenge Contained Response-ability TOWARDS A MORE INTEGRATED APPROACH MENS DEVELOPMENT GROUPSMEND PROGRAMME NOT WHAT WE DO, OR EVEN THE WAY WE DO IT BUT HOW WE ARE DIFFICULT TO EXPLAIN BUT WE KNOW WHEN THEY ARE ABSENT QUALITIES WE SEE IN GOOD EFFECTIVE PRACTICE

FOR THE FIRST TIME I NEVER HAVE TO BE ALONE WITH MYSELF IF I’M NEVER ALONE WITH MYSELF CAN I BE PRESENT TO ANOTHER? A MAP IS A MAP; A ROAD IS SOMETHING ENTIRELY DIFFERENT TIME IS RUNNING OUT; DON’T RUN AFTER IT MAKE HASTE SLOWLY THE PROBLEM INVITES ME INTO A PROCESS OF CHANGE ALSO THE SPEED OF TECHNOLOGY; INSTANT INFORMATION AND STEADY PACING IN OUR WORK WITH YOUNG MEN THEY TOOK THE INFORMATION BUT LEFT THE WISDOM

THANK YOU TO OUR HOSTS AND TO YOU FOR LISTENING TO THIS PRESENTATION JOHN

SOME SUGGESTIONS FROM OUR EXPERIENCE Building Relationships with young men is essential and working with some or all of the qualities mentioned above. We may not fully understand why young men are violent we may have to build relationships with them anyway Perhaps those young men who are violent are not violent for the same reason Their violence may arise in response to issues that lead other young men to commit suicide, take drugs, self medicate, become isolated, etc etc Though we strive to understand the violence of some young men an over- focus on understanding the violence may be a form of control on our parts and lead to further isolation; relationships sometimes require us to step into the unknown

It may be helpful for inter-agency co-operation in response to young men’s violence to ensure that we can model a level of respectful relating that transcends our well worked out positions/approaches/ideologies/models that sometimes inhibits real partnership for change – (jigsaw**) We often have begun for good safety reasons by separating people out but they almost become the property of particular services/organisations. How can we insure that we don’t create unhelpful isolation of service users and providers? Inviting contradictory/paradoxical elements. Both/And vs Either/Or Bringing some or all of the above qualities into our relationships with those young men who are violent; knowing that with all our knowledge we end up sitting opposite a “freshly baked” individual at a particular moment in time where change is a potential outcome – Stepping into the unknown