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How to Listen so Parents will Talk and Talk so Parents will Listen Working Effectively with Parents
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Opening survey Maybe... It’s easy to be afraid of (or angry at) parents Parents have special needs and interests Parents can be very critical consumers Parents sometimes say things that throw us off our helping/counseling game (Bite-back)
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This workshop is rated “PG” A blend of personal discoveries and evidence Caveats and excuses This is YOUR workshop Talking and not talking Communicate respectfully We will never get finished
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Just come up and tell me about (and you can exaggerate) some hassles you’re facing at work.
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The Principles Empathic understanding – Avoid premature problem-solving Radical acceptance – Avoid judgment Collaboration – Work with, not on Summary: Listen before you educate
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Two forms of empathy with parents General – It’s hard to be a parent; parents are judged – Dear Abby example Specific – Clean your room story ▪ Some parents REALLY NEED to tell you a parenting story
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Radical Acceptance as an Attitude (from DBT) “I accept you as you are and am fully committed to helping you change” Don’t say this, but use it especially when parents say something extreme
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Parent Volley: “I know it’s not popular, but I believe in spanking. When I was a kid, if I talked back I’d be picking myself up off the floor. Kids don’t have any discipline these days and as a parent, I have a right to parent my kids any way I want.” Teacher/Counselor Return: “Thanks for being so honest about what you’re thinking. Lots of people believe in spanking and I’m glad you’re being straight with me about your beliefs.”
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Parent Response: “Yeah. Okay.” Teacher/Counselor Return: “But I’m not all that positive about the picking yourself up off the floor thing.” Parent Response: “Oh no. I didn’t mean I think that’s right.”
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Group participation – Volunteer example Thank you... because... What words work well for you? Practice this... It won’t just happen spontaneously
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How do we facilitate collaboration? Collaboration as an attitude: Not knowing or understanding too quickly [Difficult] Ask permission Tell parents YOU WANT TO work with them Tell parents you respect their knowledge
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Because parents are vulnerable... We are empathic, accepting, collaborative We look for positive goals and love [Reframe] underneath anger and imperfect parenting We join with the most difficult parents to help them support their children’s education
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Preparing for button-pushing Responding to questions about your credentials or competence (or lack of parenthood) Self-disclosure: When and how much and what kind? [Joining, empathic]
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Meet, greet, and comfort: What do you use to countercondition fear? Role induction: As needed, explain the terrain If needed, obtain and provide a problem description (homework, classroom behavior)
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Watch for: Expressions of support and compliments Identifying goals Backward behavior modification
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What parents want Parents generally want to know how to be a positive force or influence in their children’s lives... So their children turn out relatively happy and free (e.g., not in prison)
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Direct Power: Behavior modification, etc. Indirect Power: Modeling, manipulating Problem-Solving Power: Mutual problem- solving; solution-focused questions Relationship Power: Special time
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The new attitude (eliminate the dread) Grandma’s Rule and passionate rewards and boring punishment (direct power) Character feedback (indirect power) Special time (relationship power) Mutual problem-solving (problem-solving power)
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Watch for: Who’s talking now What parent-child dynamics are being addressed Mutual problem-solving
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What will you remember? What will you try out? You’re the kind of teachers/counselors
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To access 10 tip sheets and/or “follow” John’s blog go to: johnsommersflanagan.com
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