1. Behind Closed Doors: The New Science of Connection and Sexual Intimacy Presented by Jeremy S. Boden, PhD, CFLE, AMFT

2. Attachment and Adult Bonding

3. Sex is emotion in motion -Mae West

4. Why is Strengthening the Sexual Relationship Important? When sex is good… 15-20% of marital satisfaction

5. Why is Strengthening the Sexual Relationship Important? When sex is not good or nonexistent… 50-70% of marital DISsatisfaction

6. Three Main Issues in Sexual Struggles 1.Overall Emotional Connection is weak, unsafe, and/or nonexistent 2. Unhealthy Sexual Scripts 3. Sensuality is lacking in the relationship

7. Attachment and Adult Bonding

8. The Isolation of Sexual Intimacy The media and society has taken sex out of its natural context “Good sex is the ultimate for of adult love” For many, an activity to be “checked off” We put too much pressure on the sexual relationship… …and not enough on the emotional attachment of the relationship As we connect emotionally, we connect sexually. Attachment and Adult Bonding

9. We know through years of research that: We are hard-wired to connect A secure, loving bond is our most basic need—from the cradle to the grave This secure bond, creates safety cues in our brain Isolation and emotional separation lead to “primal panic” The quality of our emotional bond with our partner, shapes how we: See ourselves as loveable and worthy of love See ourselves as competent See others as trustworthy Cope with stress, fear, anxiety, hurt, shame, etc.

10. Attachment and Adult Bonding To be emotionally connected is to be STONGER, more RESILIENT, and more AUTONOMOUS

11. What gets in the way of attachment and bonding? The Dance of Disconnection Key Conflicts are all about emotional disconnection We perpetuate the disconnection through emotional protest Examples: Criticisms, blaming, withdraw, shutting down, etc. A stuck “dance” of protest and distance ensues

12. Attachment and Adult Bonding A secure bond is built on: Emotional Accessibility, Responsiveness, and Engagement (A.R.E.) “Are you there for me when I reach for you?” “Do I matter to you?” “Will you respond when I call?” “Will I be enough for you?” Consistent emotional presence (A.R.E.) is key, not perfect performance

13. In the end, the Best Sex… …is connected sex.

14. Attachment and Sexual Connection: The Three Common Sexual Patterns Sealed-off Sex

15. Attachment and Sexual Connection: The Three Common Sexual Patterns Sealed-off Sex Solace Sex

16. Attachment and Sexual Connection: The Three Common Sexual Patterns Sealed-off Sex Solace Sex Synchrony Sex Accessible Responsive Engaged

17. Unhealthy Sexual Scripts See sex as a duty, negative, “gross”, and/or necessary evil Uncomfortable with topic of sexual intimacy Separation of sex from self Unrealistic or unfair expectations of sex and gender Deep uncomfortableness with body

18. Sexuality

19. Sensuality

20. Ways of connecting in the moment Neither goal-oriented or explicitly sexual Hugging, holdings hands, romantic talking, cuddling, nonsexual massages Fun, excitement, laughter Marriage and Sexual Intimacy: Sense and Sensuality

21. “Where did the passion go?”: The loss of sensuality in marriage Most couples struggle with sexual issues at some point in their marriage. In the beginning… Desire and longing are natural and usually automatic The body responds instinctively—drenched in dopamine Sensuality and touch are regular and frequent Positive illusions run rampant New love is exciting, novel, uncertain, and unpredictable Marriage brings routine, certainty, predictability Spotlight on our limitations, immaturities and decrease in validation of our worth

22. Marriage and Sexual Intimacy: Sense and Sensuality Extensive amounts of touch turns to reduced touch Bypass physical intimacy and move towards sexual intimacy and goal-oriented behavior From intimate bonding to an activity to be completed Sex becomes the only avenue to connection

23. Marriage and Sexual Intimacy: Sense and Sensuality Couples struggle to distinguish between sensuality and sexuality Couples fail to make sensuality part of their everyday relationship Couples allow romance fade away

24. So, what now?: Revitalizing Your Relationship and Sexual Intimacy Focus on creating deeper emotional connections Foster Healthy Sexual Scripts Inject Intentional Sensuality and Romance Everything worthwhile is an uphill battle. Too often we have uphill hopes but downhill habits.

25. Focus on creating deeper emotional connections Identify, Recognize, Interrupt, and Repair from Negative Patterns Create a safer and softer place for your partner Access deeper primary emotions and longings Share deeper emotions and longings with your partner

26. Foster Healthy Sexual Scripts Practice self-compassion Begin to view self as sexual being Get educated! Push through the discomfort of talking about sex

27. Inject Intentional Sensuality and Romance Build and Strengthen Friendship Return to Romance and Affectionate Talk Increase Non-Demand Touch

28. Why do we get married? ”We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed because I will be your witness'.“