1. Understanding Love Mrs. Hanson Family Relations From: Families Today and Relationship Smarts Plus

2. Learning to Love Learning to love is a lifelong process that begins at birth and goes through a series of stages. Each stage helps you build a stronger foundation for future love relationships. If love relationships at one stage or another aren’t satisfying, successfully going on to the remaining stages is difficult.

3. Learning to Love Stage 1: Self Love A person’s first love is love of self. When babies’ basic needs are met ~ they are well fed, kept comfortable and safe, and receive attention ~ they learn they are worthy, lovable beings. These positive feelings are the first sensations of love.

4. Learning to Love Stage 2: Love of a Caregiver As babies are cared for and loved, they gradually gain trust and love for their caregivers (typically parents). If babies’ needs aren’t fully met, they may never be able to give and receive love.

5. Learning to Love Stage 3: Love of Peers As children interact with peers, they become attached to their playmates. They eventually develop a strong relationship with one or two best friends. These feelings they have are one form of love. Friends become very important and continue to be throughout life.

6. Learning to Love Stage 4: Hero Worship As children grow older, they develop a loving admiration for an older person ~ a sibling, family friend, coach, teacher, or maybe a celebrity. They imitate the role model’s talk, dress, and mannerisms. Through hero worship, children try out different qualities and traits, which helps them decide what they want to be like (developing an identity).

7. Learning to Love Stage 5: Love of the Opposite Gender During the preteens and early teens, children become interested in the opposite gender. At first, they are attracted to the opposite gender, in general. Girls like to talk about boys and boys like to talk about girls. Later, they focus on one individual who catches their interest. These relationships are usually short-lived and based on observable qualities like: appearance, popularity, or athletic ability. This stage focus is on the thrill of being ‘in love’ rather than the realities of love.

8. Learning to Love Stage 6: Mature Love Mature Love involves caring, sharing, respect, understanding, trust, and commitment. Mature love develops over time and lasts. This is the stage most people find the hardest to recognize and the most difficult to attain. Since people develop and mature at different rates, not everyone is prepared for mature love relationships at the same age. Some people never develop enough emotionally to be capable of mature love.

9. Learning to Love In this 6 stage progression, where do you think most teens are? Activity 1: Write your responses in your folder. How is teen dating shown on TV and movies. Are the situations realistic? Do they give an accurate picture of the rewards and problems of dating? What values about dating are shown? What dating problems are shown? Are the solutions good ones?

10. Good and Bad Baggage: Family Experiences No young adult is an empty slate. Everyone carries baggage ~ good and not-so-good experiences from the past. Examine your own family background and decide what to take with you into adulthood. The more you are aware of your baggage and the baggage of your partner, the more you can consciously shape your lives.

11. Activity 2: Family Experience Survey Write your answers in your folder 1.My parents/adult(s) in the home: a)Are able to talk openly about their feelings to each other, good or bad. b)Seem to have many topics and feelings they cannot talk about to each other. 2.In my family: a)People generally tell each other what is going on in their lives. b)We hardly ever share with each other what is going on in our lives. 3.When there’s a problem: a)People get mad, explode, but never really sit down and solve it. b)People tend to avoid talking about it. c)We actually sit down, talk about it, and try to solve it. 4.In my family: a)Everyone goes his or her own way. We hardly ever eat together. There is not much structure. b)There is a balance between time together as a family and time alone. We eat together hand have many family rituals.

12. Family Experience Survey 5.Regarding discipline and accountability in my family: a)There are clear expectations. Consequences, for the most part, seem fair. b)It does not exist. We all do what we want or what we can get away with. 6.Kids in my family: a)Are given responsibilities and expected to make good choices. b)Have no responsibilities. 7.Our Family: a)Has a system of moral or spiritual beliefs that we share. b)Has no real set of convictions one way or another. 8.Trust and honesty: a)Is important in my family b)Is not a big deal in my family.

13. 9. People in my family: a) Make sacrifices for each other. We try to show appreciation in various ways to each other. b) Pretty much operate on their own behalf. 10. In my family: a) We can communicate openly and respectfully for the most part. b) The communication is terrible ~ lots of nasty put-downs, negative interpretations, and yelling. 11. The parent(s)/adult(s) in my family: a) Model healthy ways to deal with stress and problems. b) Do not deal well with stress or problems. 12. The parent(s)/adult(s) in my family: a) Act in the same way(s) I would like to when/if I marry. b) Are very different than what I want when I am married. Family Experience Survey

14. 13. The Parent(s)/adult(s) in my family: a)Are openly expressive of love and affection (give hugs, say “I love you,” etc). a)Are not expressive of love and affection. 14. As a Family: a)There are enjoyable things we do together. b)We hardly do anything together. 15. I feel: a)Connected and cared for by my parents. b)Distant and disconnected by my parents. 16. The parent(s)/adult(s) in my home: a)Nurture, protect, and care for the children. b)Make the children feel neglected or badly treated. What family patterns do I want to leave behind? What family patterns do I want to take with me?

15. Communication Patterns What communication patterns have you experienced while growing up with your family? People often repeat those patterns as adults, so it’s useful to examine them and choose which patterns you want to take into your adult life and which you want to work to change. How you communicate and handle conflict over time is strongly associated with relationship success and happiness or failure.

16. Activity 3: Communication Patterns Survey For each item below, write in your folder the statement that comes closest to describing what you have experienced while growing up. If your parents are separated and you have lived with each one at different times, or you have lived in a foster home, choose the family situation that you feel influenced you the most or in which you have spent the most time. 1.How well do members listen to each other, especially when different topics come up? a)Not well at all. Family members usually just shout and argue. b)Sometimes not well, other times pretty good. c)Usually we take time to listen to each other and understand each other’s perspective.

17. Communication Patterns Survey 2.Decisions are made: a)By one person without regard to how others feel. b)By the kids mostly without much parental guidance. c)By parents but with input from kids. 3.Can family members disagree freely with one another? Do members value each other’s opinions? a)Not really. Whoever has the loudest voice or most power gets his/her way. b)Yes, most of the time we can voice our disagreements or opinions freely. c)We do not like to disagree. Members just keep their opinions to themselves. 4.How prevalent are put-downs in your family? a)Very prevalent. Members regularly trample upon each other’s feelings and character. b)It happens, but we are called on it and usually get the message that it’s not right. We know we should avoid it.

18. Communication Patterns Survey 5.Showing and expressing feelings: a)Is not okay. b)We are encouraged to express our feelings and usually feel accepted. 6.When there’s a problem: a)Family members get mad and explode, but never really solve it. b)Family members avoid dealing with it. c)We actually sit down, talk about it, and try to solve it. 7.Disagreements or conflicts between parents and adults: a)Are never heard in my house. b)Come up regularly, but my parents usually deal with them pretty well, even when one gets angry. c)This is a constant backdrop in my life. Parents or adults in my home just scream and never solve anything.

19. Communication Patterns Survey 8.On apologizing and admitting wrongdoing: a)No one in my family takes responsibility or apologizes. Others are always blamed. b)We have been encouraged to admit when we are wrong and apologize. 9.In my family: a)Members tend to jump to conclusions and judge each other in the most negative light. b)Members tend to give each other the benefit of the doubt. Now go back through the list of questions and your answers and list the 3 you feel are most helpful for families; then list the three that are most destructive for families. Write about the kind of communication you want for your future family and why it’s important to you.

20. Activity 4: About Me Which words best describes you? Write the words in your folder. Answer the questions. dependable calm easy goingadaptable high energy reserved independentimpulsive outgoing attentive free spirit optimist/upbeat sincere caring negativeresponsible funny considerate positivepessimistic punctual organized think, then actimaginative hard working spontaneous moodyadventurous What are your best qualities? Which qualities do you need to work on?

21. About Me (continued) What do you like to do? Write in your folder the things that apply to you. sportsreading art shopping musicwriting texting exercising hanging outdrama traveling cooking volunteeringdancing collecting things outdoor activities watching TV/playing video computer/internet hobbies movies games Write any other things you like to do.

22. About Me (continued) What do you value and believe? Write in your folder the items that apply to you. I have a foundation of morals and ethics by which I live. I have rules for myself on drugs and alcohol. Acceptance of others is important to me. I have personal boundaries when it comes to sex. Practicing my religion is important to me. I’m still defining my moral and spiritual beliefs. Write any other important values.

23. About Me (continued) What I hope to accomplish? Write in your folder the items that apply to you. Graduate high schoolbe fit be independentby a house graduate college get married buy a car have a family have an interesting career be a good parent visit new placesbecome famous be successful in workhave a good income do something that helps the world/people What are any other goals you have set for yourself?

24. Activity 5: What characteristics do you find attractive? Below are some qualities that may interest you when you meet someone new. What’s important to you? What are you looking for in someone? Write down in your folder all the qualities that are attractive to you, then circle your top 10. Responsible has driveprompt orderly Independent realconfident imaginative Trustworthy motivatedgood self-esteem creative Educated sensitiverespectful well-liked Fun smartdrug-free good listener Attractive physically fitalcohol-free loving Positive athleticunique family oriented Friendly wealthyartistic outgoing Quiet reservedwell-mannered faithful Mysterious logicalcompassionate lighthearted Rational same cultureromantic mature Energetic religious/spiritual humorous Positive Skillful talented adventurous Truthful Helpful talkative Any Other Qualities:

25. Maturity There are 4 key dimensions of maturity: Physical Maturity involves physical changes in the body during adolescence and the developing brain. You don’t have to do anything for this to happen. It just happens on it’s own. The brain is still physically developing until the early to mid-twenties. The centers of the brain responsible for decision- making, impulse control, and regulating emotions are the last to fully develop.

26. Maturity Mental Maturity Weighing consequences before acting and making decisions. Setting goals and delaying gratifications to achieve goals instead of needing immediate gratification. Using your brain, not just your impulses.

27. Maturity Emotional Maturity Ability to Express true feeling assertively and effectively. Ability to admit mistakes and express true emotions. Social Maturity Thinking about your effect on others. Standing up to pressure situations when your friends challenge your standards, values, or interests. Being the real you.

28. EMOTIONAL Involves controlling and regulating strong emotions. Involves admitting mistakes and expressing true emotions. MENTAL Involves thinking; Involves weighing consequences and making wise choices. Involves setting goals and delaying gratification. PHYSICAL Physical changes of the body Involves the developing brain SOCIAL Involves thinking about your effect on others. Involves standing up to peer pressure when your friends challenge your standards, values or interests. Involves being the real you. Four Parts of Maturity

29. Activity 6 : Maturity What does maturity mean to you? Complete this web in your folder. MATURITY

30. Love Chemicals The feelings of attraction can be powerful, intense, and real… and make you feel fabulous! A real change in brain chemistry is happening to produce those feelings of euphoria. For weeks or months those ‘love chemicals’ may keep you from seeing clearly. Those chemicals can make it easy to slide into risky or poor relationship choice. Enjoy the great feelings! But, don’t read too much into them yet. It could be the start of real love, but it may not be. Focus on getting to know the person and having fun. Go slow ~ go smart!

31. Infatuation Love Infatuation is very focused on looks and attractions. 1. Love is learned and grows gradually. You don’t need to rush real love. Infatuation makes you afraid that if the person saw and knew you as you really are, he or she might not like you any longer. Your focus is on looking and acting the way you think he or she wants you to. 2. Love makes you more likely to do what you know is right. Love will not ask you to do things you are morally unsure of or are not ready for. Infatuation seems to happen all at once often before you even know each other very well. 3. Love means you can be the real you. You don’t have to pretend to look or act the way you think he or she wants you to. 4. Infatuation might lead you to do things you don’t really think are right just to keep the relationship. He or she tries to talk you into thinking something is right even when you know deep down that it is not. 4. Love involves the total person …not only physical attraction and looks. Love admires personality and character traits as well. You enjoy doing things and talking together. Infatuation is jealous, mistrusting, and uncertain. It makes you wonder and worry that you will be dropped when he or she is friendly with someone else. 5. Love involves trust. It brings security. You enjoy each other’s friends without suspicions or jealousies. Infatuation Love Infatuation is very focused on looks and attractions. 1. Love is learned and grows gradually. You don’t need to rush real love. Infatuation makes you afraid that if the person saw and knew you as you really are, he or she might not like you any longer. Your focus is on looking and acting the way you think he or she wants you to. 2. Love makes you more likely to do what you know is right. Love will not ask you to do things you are morally unsure of or are not ready for. Infatuation seems to happen all at once often before you even know each other very well. 3. Love means you can be the real you. You don’t have to pretend to look or act the way you think he or she wants you to. 4. Infatuation might lead you to do things you don’t really think are right just to keep the relationship. He or she tries to talk you into thinking something is right even when you know deep down that it is not. 4. Love involves the total person …not only physical attraction and looks. Love admires personality and character traits as well. You enjoy doing things and talking together. Infatuation is jealous, mistrusting, and uncertain. It makes you wonder and worry that you will be dropped when he or she is friendly with someone else. 5. Love involves trust. It brings security. You enjoy each other’s friends without suspicions or jealousies. Infatuation Love Infatuation is very focused on looks and attractions. 1. Love is learned and grows gradually. You don’t need to rush real love. Infatuation makes you afraid that if the person saw and knew you as you really are, he or she might not like you any longer. Your focus is on looking and acting the way you think he or she wants you to. 2. Love makes you more likely to do what you know is right. Love will not ask you to do things you are morally unsure of or are not ready for. Infatuation seems to happen all at once often before you even know each other very well. 3. Love means you can be the real you. You don’t have to pretend to look or act the way you think he or she wants you to. 4. Infatuation might lead you to do things you don’t really think are right just to keep the relationship. He or she tries to talk you into thinking something is right even when you know deep down that it is not. 4. Love involves the total person …not only physical attraction and looks. Love admires personality and character traits as well. You enjoy doing things and talking together. Infatuation is jealous, mistrusting, and uncertain. It makes you wonder and worry that you will be dropped when he or she is friendly with someone else. 5. Love involves trust. It brings security. You enjoy each other’s friends without suspicions or jealousies. Infatuation Love Infatuation is very focused on looks and attractions. 1. Love is learned and grows gradually. You don’t need to rush real love. Infatuation makes you afraid that if the person saw and knew you as you really are, he or she might not like you any longer. Your focus is on looking and acting the way you think he or she wants you to. 2. Love makes you more likely to do what you know is right. Love will not ask you to do things you are morally unsure of or are not ready for. Infatuation seems to happen all at once often before you even know each other very well. 3. Love means you can be the real you. You don’t have to pretend to look or act the way you think he or she wants you to. 4. Infatuation might lead you to do things you don’t really think are right just to keep the relationship. He or she tries to talk you into thinking something is right even when you know deep down that it is not. 4. Love involves the total person …not only physical attraction and looks. Love admires personality and character traits as well. You enjoy doing things and talking together. Infatuation is jealous, mistrusting, and uncertain. It makes you wonder and worry that you will be dropped when he or she is friendly with someone else. 5. Love involves trust. It brings security. You enjoy each other’s friends without suspicions or jealousies. Infatuation Love 1.Infatuation is very focused on looks and attractions. 1.Love is learned and grows gradually. You don’t need to rush real love. 2.Infatuation makes you afraid that if the person saw and knew you as you really are, he or she might not like you any longer. Your focus is on looking and acting the way you think he or she wants you to. 2.Love means you can be the real you. You don’t have to pretend to look or act the way you think he or she wants you to. 3.Infatuation seems to happen all at once often before you even know each other very well. 3.Love involves the total person…not only physical attraction and looks. Love admires personality and character traits as well. You enjoy doing things and talking together. 4. Infatuation might lead you to do things you don’t really think are right just to keep the relationship. He or she tries to talk you into thinking something is right even when you know deep down that it is not. 4.Love makes you more likely to do what you know is right. Love will not ask you to do things you are morally unsure of or are not ready for. 5.Infatuation is jealous, mistrusting, and uncertain. It makes you wonder and worry that you will be dropped when he or she is friendly with someone else. 5.Love involves trust. It brings security. You enjoy each other’s friends without suspicions or jealousies.

32. Dating Safely Have your parents meet your date. Have your parents meet your date. Stay clear of alcohol or drugs. Stay clear of alcohol or drugs. Be aware of the decreased ability to react under the influence of alcohol or drugs. Be aware of the decreased ability to react under the influence of alcohol or drugs. People tend to do things they normally would not do when under the influence. People tend to do things they normally would not do when under the influence.

33. Dating Safely It’s not wise to leave a party with someone you do not know. If you do, at least make sure you tell another person you are leaving and with whom. Ask a friend to call and make sure you arrived home safely. Assert yourself when necessary. Be firm and straightforward in your relationships.

34. Dating Safely Trust your instincts. If a situation makes you uncomfortable, try to be calm and think of a way to remove yourself from the situation. If you have any doubts or a “gut-level” feeling that things aren’t right, trust it and act. It is better to be embarrassed than sorry or hurt.

35. Relationship Pyramid Did you know? More than ½ of all teens have NOT had sexual intercourse and of the ½ that have, most wish they had waited. Many boys show significant respect ~ though often unspoken ~ for girls who resist pressure to have sex and remain virgins. And many girls have respect for guys who are not ‘players’. Many teens believe it is ok for a couple to have sex if they ‘feel’ they are in love. However, the feelings, as powerful and real as they are, may fluctuate and change or be driven by the ‘love chemicals’.

36. Relationship Pyramid By taking your time and getting to know a person, you are building a stable foundation. Positive Starters Deepening & Developing Relationship Mature Love

37. Inverted Relationship Pyramid Did you know? 8 out of 10 first-time sexual relationships last six months or less. 1 out of 4 are one time occurrences. More than 7 out of 10 sexually experienced girls and more than 5 out of 10 guys wish they had waited. According to the CDC, the number of teens who have had sex has declined 14% in the past decade. 47% of 15-19 year olds report they have had sex. These are averages and obviously there are significant differences among different teens.

38. Inverted Relationship Pyramid Unstable Foundation Sex One-sided Poor communication Few common interests, time together not fun Doesn’t feel like a friend No commitment, No trust Not really mature No relationship development No positive starters

39. Testing Your Love Smarts–True or False? Write your answers in your folder. 1. There is probably only one person meant for you. 2. Breaking up should be done slowly so you don't hurt the other person too much. 3. If you feel the "chemistry," i.e., intense attraction, it's probably love. 4. If you find the right person you will be happy. 5. Opposites attract. 6. Happy couples have fewer differences and argue less than unhappy couples. 7. On average people have one serious romance before they find someone they want to marry. 8. Living together before marriage is a good way to reduce your chances of divorce later on. Activity 7:

40. True Intimacy It’s not just a physical thing Miguel, age 17: As I was growing up, my parents, especially my mother, told me that making love was this very special thing. I always figured I’d wait until I was a lot older. But a friend fixed me up with a girl from another school last year, and it happened. This girl and I only went out twice. I hardly knew her, but she came on to me so strong that I kind of stopped using my head. I hardly knew her, but she came on to me so strong that I kind of stopped using my head. I still can’t believe I let myself get pushed into it that way. She just wanted to get laid. It still gives me a bad feeling when I think about it. Amber, age 18: I figured out that I was just something temporary and exciting for Ryan. But to me, he was the biggest thing in my life. I gave him my virginity, my heart, everything. But he ditched me for some other girl who was more experienced at sex. I know because my friend got it out of him. Guys are mostly players who don’t really care about you. *The names are fictional, but their stories are real.

41. True Intimacy It’s not just a physical thing… Connections that Build Intimacy Verbal is about being able to talk and openly share thoughts and feelings. Couples feel close when they find it enjoyable and interesting to talk to each other. Emotional relates to feelings. Are the feelings of two individuals equally strong and genuine? Can they honestly share what is in their hearts? If the relationship feels controlling, conditional, or based purely on physical attraction, it’s not an emotionally healthy connection. Similarly, if insecurity or neediness is driving the relationship, it’s not emotionally healthy. Social focuses on mutually enjoyable time that couples spend together. Shared activities and interests bond a couple together. Spiritual relates to the core values, life influences, religious, moral, and ethical beliefs that couples share. Talking and sharing on this level can make two people feel like ‘soul mates. Commitment refers to a couple’s intention to share a future, provide healthy and mutual support, work like a team, and promise to be faithful. It’s about trust.

42. True Intimacy It’s not just a physical thing Ebony, 20: When I look at the info on true intimacy I think about the relationship I had in high school with AJ. We could really talk, had lots of fun doing things together, and had strong feelings for each other. I can honestly say we had a very healthy relationship, not like many of the short-lived and superficial ones of many kids at my high school. After graduation I had the opportunity to work and travel in France, but AJ didn’t want me to go. I realized then that I wasn’t ready for that level of commitment yet. I still had a lot of exploring and growing to do. And am I ever glad that I had stuck to my boundaries on sex. It would’ve been so easy to think sex was ok because we had so many good connections. But what if I’d gotten pregnant? No way were either of us ready to be parents or able to devote ourselves to a child. As it turned out, we broke up. I learned from that experience and left with no regrets.

43. Avoiding Sexual Regret Mariah, 23: I started going with Doug the summer between jr and sr year. We were in love and in so many ways we had a good relationship. There was a lot we liked doing together. But we got too deeply involved ~ the relationship was 24/7. It just felt at times that it was too much of a grown up relationship for the age we were. It dominated both of our lives. It prevented me from doing things in other areas and it excluded a lot of other things in my life like doing things with girlfriends. As it turns out, we headed in different directions and the relationship only lasted six months out of high school. Now I know we should have kept it lighter. When doubts started to creep in, it took so much longer to end it because we were so involved physically and emotionally. My advice to teens is to enjoy the affection but wait on sex. And, keep a balance between time together and time apart.

44. Activity 8: Avoiding Sexual Regret My Personal Line Having a clear boundary in your mind before you get affectionate with someone is crucial. If your standards and values are not clear before it gets so tempting, it will be much harder to figure out what to do in the moment. Write these levels of physical intimacy in your folder: Levels of Physical Intimacy Hugging Hand-holding Shy/gentle kissing Cuddling French kissing Touching under the clothes Any type of genital stimulation to orgasm Sexual intercourse Where do you draw the line? Draw a line above the level that is too far for you.

45. Activity 8: (continued) Avoiding Sexual Regret My Personal Line Answer the questions that apply to you. What are the benefits of staying above the line for you and your relationship (now and in the future)? If you have gone further than you wished and you want to do things differently next time, identify your desired boundary line. What will be the benefits for you and your relationship by adhering to that boundary?

46. Decide, Don’t Slide Why is it some people get swept up and involved in poor relationships, even ones they come to regret? Most likely it is because they slide into romantic or sexual involvement. The slide instead of making clear decisions based on knowledge of the other person and a clear sense of their own values and goals in life. Indeed, sliding is risky and can lead to some high-cost consequences. It is important to remember that there is a heavy dose of ‘love chemicals’ at the start of romance that can cloud one’s vision and make it easy to slide. Females, in particular, need to be careful. Females can become emotionally involved awfully fast when they like someone. There can be some very high costs for females from sliding into relationships rather than deciding. The good news is if you follow the low-risk deciding approach to relationships you can reduce your chances of making poor relationship choices. This strategy amounts to a go-slow, go-smart approach.

47. Decide, Don’t Slide Different interests Different interests Values and goals not compatible Values and goals not compatible Discover you don’t really like his or her personality Discover you don’t really like his or her personality The relationship feels complicated The relationship feels complicated No freedom to experience other people No freedom to experience other people Find you like someone else better Find you like someone else better Poor communication; you’re not able to talk and share freely Poor communication; you’re not able to talk and share freely Not so fun; not the kind of relationship you had imagined Not so fun; not the kind of relationship you had imagined Don’t like the way he or she treats you Don’t like the way he or she treats you Lied to; cheated on Lied to; cheated on Feeling used Feeling used Put down; controlled; disrespectful or abusive treatment Put down; controlled; disrespectful or abusive treatment Feeling unsupported Feeling unsupported Wanting to change your boyfriend/girlfriend Wanting to change your boyfriend/girlfriend Discover he/she has serious problems (drugs, alcohol) Discover he/she has serious problems (drugs, alcohol) Getting an STD Getting an STD Getting pregnant or getting someone pregnant Getting pregnant or getting someone pregnant Raising a child alone Raising a child alone

48. Decide, Don’t Slide

50. Low Risk: Deciding Approach AttractionLearn More about Each Other Decide…Step…Discuss… Enjoy it but keep it light Do you have fun together? Do I want a romantic relationship? Discuss your values Discuss your goals and expectations Are values and interests compatible? Are you on the same page about what that means? Establish your boundaries with a partner Discuss whether you want a long- term commitment Can you talk with each other? What are my sexual boundaries? Agree to a plan Do you detect any serious problem behaviors? Decide, Don’t Slide

51. Stay Together or Break Up? 1. Your partner lies to you repeatedly. He or she treats you well in private, but ignores you or does inconsiderate things to you in public. 2. Your boyfriend or girlfriend is nice, but truthfully you've really started to like someone else. 3. You decided to date him or her basically because you wanted to have a boyfriend or girlfriend, but it doesn't feel right. It feels awkward and you wish you were free to be yourself again. 4. Your feelings have changed. You just don't feel the same about him or her. Besides, you two hardly have anything in common. 4. Your feelings have changed. You just don't feel the same about him or her. Besides, you two hardly have anything in common. 5. You find yourself fighting more and more and are unable to really talk things out. 6. Your partner’s feelings are much, much stronger than yours. He or she is pushing for a level of commitment and expectations for the relationship that you're not ready to make. You like him or her, but not in the same way he or she likes you. 7. You feel smothered by the relationship and are unable to do the things you want. 8. You don't feel you can really be yourself. You feel pressured to be someone you are not. 9. You want your partner to stop using drugs or alcohol, but he or she refuses.

52. Common Reasons for Breaking Up 1.Feelings change and partners grow apart. 2.Your expectations about sexual behavior, as well as choices about things like drugs or alcohol, may be different. 3.Although two people may like each other, one of them may feel stifled. He or she may simply not be ready for a certain level of commitment.

53. Really Bad Ways to Break Up Get a friend to tell him or her. Get a friend to tell him or her. Wait for a fight and then blame it on him or her. Wait for a fight and then blame it on him or her. Do things to make him or her break up with you. Do things to make him or her break up with you. Be nasty to him or her in front of your friends. Be nasty to him or her in front of your friends. Just ignore him or her in the hopes he or she will get the message. Just ignore him or her in the hopes he or she will get the message. Start dating his or her best friend. Start dating his or her best friend. Break up by sending a text message. Break up by sending a text message.

54. Break Up Tips Break Up Tips Talk to a trusted friend or adult Talk to a trusted friend or adult Pick a time and place Pick a time and place Make a clean break Make a clean break Have a method to avoid cruelty Have a method to avoid cruelty

55. Dealing with a Broken Heart Face reality Face reality Don't blame yourself Don't blame yourself Stay away from the revenge game Stay away from the revenge game Get perspective Get perspective Beware of rebounding Beware of rebounding Get busy Get busy Get going with life Get going with life Remember, things get better with time Remember, things get better with time

56. What Makes a Great Relationship? No one wants a bad relationship, but what exactly goes into making a great relationship? And how can you know? Ask yourself these seven questions and the answers will help you know if a relationship is worth pursuing. Your answers can help identify what would need to change if the relationship is to continue. If your are not in a relationship, these seven questions will give you valuable tips on the key areas to pay attention to when you do start a relationship. These questions are also a good way to understand the problems of a past relationship.

57. Activity 9: What Makes a Great Relationship? Answer these questions in your folder. 1.Are we a good match? List your interests, activities and involvements. Describe yourself in terms of energy and ambition ~ high, low, or medium. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, describe his/her interests, activities, involvements, and energy level. How similar or dissimilar are those thing? How compatible are your future goals? 2.Are our values in sync? Identify your core values, giving special attention to your values on religious and spiritual beliefs, and your moral and ethical values. Identify your values on drugs, alcohol, and sex. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, are your values in sync? Do you respect the values by which he/she lives? 3.Am I attracted to a person I admire or a fantasy of what I want? Reflect upon a friend or boyfriend/girlfriend ~ past or present. Ask yourself if you genuinely like/liked their personality and character. If yes, identify the things you truly admire, enjoy, and respect about this person. If not, identify the problems or things you want to fix or change about this person.

58. What Makes a Great Relationship? 4.Am I changing myself just to get someone’s friendship or love? Do you find yourself trying to be the way you think your friend, boyfriend/girlfriend wants you to be? Can you really be yourself around this person? What are the things about you that you would want a boyfriend/girlfriend to notice, admire, and respect? 5.Can we communicate, share what is important, and fight fairly? Do you enjoy talking with your friend, boyfriend/girlfriend? Do you find each other interesting? Does it feel easy and safe to express your true feelings and thoughts? Do you feel that this person cares about what you say? Most importantly, can both of you manage your anger in safe ways and fight fairly?

59. What Makes a Great Relationship? 6.Does one of you pressure, manipulate, play games, or act phony? Is there any pressuring or manipulating going on in the relationship ~ or is it real? Do one or both of you play games ~ for example, trying to make the other jealous or insecure, or simply using the other person? Do you feel you are real with each other? 7.Am I respected? Do I have standards for what I expect? What is important to you in terms of what and how you want to be treated in relationships or friendships? Ask yourself if that is happening in your relationships. The clearer your expectations and standards are in your own mind, the easier it will be to communicate these to a friend or romantic partner.

60. Remember: 7 Principles for Smart Relationships 1.Seek a good match ~ someone with common interests. 2.Pay attention to values. 3.Don’t try to change someone he or she is not. 4.Don’t change yourself to get someone’s love or friendship. 5.Expect good communication. 6.Don’t play games, be phony, or pressure someone. 7.Expect respect. Have standards for what you expect.

61. …and they lived happily ever after.