1. RELATIONSHIPS! The Relationship Trap! What’s healthy, and what is not!

2. WHAT YOU LIKELY KNOW! At this point in your life, what you know about relationships comes mainly from your parents. This can be good or bad depending… They learned it from their Mom and Dad too! Primary Relationship (Your Relationship with Mom and Dad.) Levels of affection Communication (Listening) Acceptance Time Trust Handling Criticism Empathy

3. 7 TOXIC RELATIONSHIP HABITS The Scorecard Absolute (All or Nothing) Statements Passive Aggression Holding the Relationship Hostage Blaming Your Partner for Your Emotions Displays of “Loving” Jealousy Buying Solutions to Relationship Problems

4. THE SCORECARD This is also called “The Laundry List.” His Mistakes : Her Mistakes : You didn’t buy me a gift for my You failed to take notice of my Promotion!Frustration. You were rude to my friendsYou spend more time with your You was late coming home AgainFriends You didn’t listen when I was talking you bought a dog without consulting About my friend’s problems.

5. ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS! “You NEVER call me to ask if I’m OK!” “You are ALWAYS on the phone.” “You NEVER talk to me!” “You NEVER have enough time for me!” “You Always choose your friends over me!” “You Never clean up after yourself!” “I am ALWAYS fixing all your problems!!” “I ALWAYS think about you before myself!” “You will NEVER amount to anything if it isn’t for me!”

6. PASSIVE AGGRESSION! Dropping hints to help your partner figure out why you are upset instead of just telling them. Finding petty ways to let your partner know that they have hurt you, or annoyed you.

7. HOLDING THE RELATIONSHIP HOSTAGE! This happens when someone threatens to end the relationship instead of actually dealing with the issue that is causing the problem. “I can’t date a person who smokes!” “I can’t be with an insensitive person!”

8. BLAMING OTHERS FOR YOUR EMOTIONS! “You Make me so Angry!” It is not your responsibility to make your partner happy, just as it’s not your responsibility to entertain them or provide for them. It can be a choice, but never a requirement. We have to own our own feelings and understand that no one can “Make” you feel anything. It is usually an artifact of an irrational thought.

9. DISPLAYS OF “LOVING” JEALOUSY! OVER CONTROL and MANIPULATION! Talking to another person Texting someone else Hanging out with someone else Calling someone else Hugging someone else When this leads to “insano” behaviors like stalking, hacking into accounts, demanding check-in times, and aggressive behaviors when unrealistic demands aren’t followed.

10. BUYING SOLUTIONS TO PROBLEMS! Anytime a problem in a relationship arises, one partner will buy a trinket or more to “fix” the problem. Think Kobe Bryant to his wife after his largely publicized affair. (7 Million dollar diamond ring) The problem with this is two-fold, first it gives one partner the incentive to find more reasons to be upset, and second, the other partner has no incentive to be accountable!

11. WHEN DO YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP? You are feeling uncomfortable, or fearful You feel worse about yourself You are unhappy You are never good enough Your partner compromises (it never seems to be about what you want) Your partner is excessively jealous You feel like you are owned Your partner is most often negative, or hostile You feel smothered and have no choices Your partner avoids you

12. WHAT SHOULD YOU FEEL? In a positive relationship you should feel: Happy Invigorated Respected Equal Supported Connected Shared Listened to Chosen Fulfilled

13. SO WHAT WORKS? Accept each other’s differences (Don’t try to change them.) Learn to listen carefully. Develop your communication skills. Give of your time, but keep balanced. Turn off your phone when you are together! (Be present) Learn to give and take feedback. Learn to trust. Develop Empathy Learn from positive role models and positive guides.