1. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Lesson Four Love and Intimacy

2. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Goals To become familiar with the concepts of agape and eros—more commonly known as love and lust. To gain experience in identifying three dimensions of mature love, as well as recognizing the problems for relationships when the dimensions are undeveloped or unbalanced. To develop an understanding of true intimacy and how it develops.

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12. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. FUTURE

13. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. What Kind of Relationship? Commitment Friendship Chemistry Friendship Commitment Chemistry Friendship Commitment Chemistry DESCRIPTION #1 #2 #3 Commitment Friendship Chemistry Friendship Commitment Chemistry Friendship Commitment Chemistry DESCRIPTION #1 #2 #3 Commitment Friendship Chemistry Friendship Commitment Chemistry Friendship Commitment Chemistry DESCRIPTION #1 #2 #3 Commitment Friendship Chemistry Friendship Commitment Chemistry Friendship Commitment Chemistry DESCRIPTION #1 #2 #3 Commitment Friendship Chemistry Friendship Commitment Chemistry Friendship Commitment Chemistry DESCRIPTION #1 #2 #3 Commitment Friendship Chemistry Friendship Commitment Chemistry Friendship Commitment Chemistry #1 #2 #3

14. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. What Kind of Relationship? What would a relationship be like if it were missing that side? How would you characterize or describe it? Bring to mind a relationship like this one from real life. Have you seen a relationship like this among the people— young or old—that you know, or in the media? What problems might that couple have down the road?

15. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Which Side is Missing? Maria and Chris were both 29 years old; they were great friends and found each other very attractive. When they were together, their time was very fulfilling. There was a lot of chemistry between them. They'd been dating for four years. They enjoyed each other and could talk for hours. But, they each made decisions in terms of what was best for each of them as individuals. Their careers took priority and both were unwilling to consider the needs of the other or plan for a future together. Each wanted to keep their individual options open— not wanting to miss any personal opportunity.

16. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Which Side is Missing? When Tom and Mary were 19 years old they fell in love practically at first sight. They were magically drawn to each other and couldn't bear to be apart. They quickly got sexually involved and within two weeks had moved in with each other. A month later they eloped. A year and a half later they discovered they really weren't very compatible. They had totally different interests and values. They were not good friends, their communication wasn’t very good and they didn’t have much fun anymore.

17. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Which Side is Missing? Kevin and Keisha were very good friends. They enjoyed talking to each other and could talk for hours. They shared tons of interests. They had no better friend. But there was no heat, no physical attraction, or chemistry. After 18 months of being inseparable as pals, they thought “Why not? Let's get hitched, since we're so compatible and enjoy each other’s company.”

18. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Q. What do you think researchers have found out in surveys when asking couples what they want most? A. Couples young or old, engaged or married, say they want a best friend. So, it turns out that the Friendship side turns out to be pretty important. Research Findings

19. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Q. What have sex researchers found to be connected with sexual satisfaction—both physical and emotional—among adults? Is it mostly about moves, technique, or size of body parts? A. Researchers have found that a sense of meaning attached to the sexual act, love, and commitment seem to be key ingredients in satisfying sex. In other words, those couples with the emotional connection of a true friendship where they are committed tend to report more satisfying sex lives. So, it turns out that Chemistry is linked to Friendship and Commitment. In fact, married couples, on average, report more satisfying sex lives than singles. Research Findings

20. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Q. How is communication related to the Three Sides of Love? A. Researchers find that a key predictor of marital success or failure is how well you communicate and handle conflict. Your communication skills seem to be critical to keeping commitment strong. Communication is important for establishing, maintaining, and deepening friendship. All of this helps fuel the ongoing attraction/chemistry for each other. Research Findings

21. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. PhysicalPhysical Affection/Touch

22. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. PhysicalPhysical Affection/Touch VerbalTalk

23. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. PhysicalPhysical Affection/Touch VerbalTalk EmotionalFeelings

24. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. PhysicalPhysical Affection/Touch VerbalTalk EmotionalFeelings SocialActivities and Interests

25. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. PhysicalPhysical Affection/Touch VerbalTalk EmotionalFeelings SocialActivities and Interests SpiritualValues and Beliefs

26. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. PhysicalPhysical Affection/Touch VerbalTalk EmotionalFeelings SocialActivities and Interests SpiritualValues and Beliefs Commitment Loyalty, Trust, Healthy Giving, Long-term View, Team-centeredness

27. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. True Intimacy Real love takes time. It involves tender feelings and physical affection, but also much more. It involves respect for each other even though you recognize each other’s faults. It involves honesty, trust, unselfish devotion, and admiration that last over a long period. It involves talking seriously about your values and ideals and sharing your goals. It means both partners give of themselves generously. It means supporting each other emotionally and not doing something that will hurt the other person’s feelings. -con’t-

28. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. True Intimacy It means that each partner puts the other’s feelings ahead of his or her own. And it means one partner doesn’t pressure the other to do something they’re not ready for. It means both partners want to say “I love you,” and, when they do, they mean it. All of these things that make up love take a long time to grow. This doesn’t usually happen until couples are in their twenties. Pogany, Susan. 1998. Sex Smarts: 501 Reasons to Hold Off on Sex, Fairview Press: Minneapolis. Page 23-24.

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30. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Chart A Relationship: How Connected? Physical: Jessie and Ben are very physically involved. They spend a lot of time kissing and making-out. They’ve touched each other above the waist under their clothes, and have moved on to touching below the waist under their clothes. They have not had sexual intercourse but are very close to it.

31. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Chart A Relationship: How Connected? Verbal: Jessie and Ben hardly talk at length about anything important. She usually tries to bring up serious topics but he always changes the subject. The small talk they have is about either sports (in which she isn’t too interested) or gossip about someone (which he thinks is a bore). They argue a lot over little things. Jessie wants to go to college and loves to read novels and talk about ideas. Ben is not that great at school and would rather not talk about it when he doesn’t have to.

32. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Chart A Relationship: How Connected? Emotional: Jessie wants this relationship to last forever. Ben likes her and thinks this relationship is okay for now, but he definitely doesn’t think much about the future or feel that she is “the one.” Because she’s afraid to lose him, she tries to keep tabs on where he is and with whom he’s hanging out.She gets very angry if he does things without her. He ends up giving in to her preferences a lot and keeps quiet so he doesn’t have to deal with her mood swings. Also, he’s pretty even-keeled emotionally and would rather not rock the boat.

33. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Chart A Relationship: How Connected? Social: His idea of spending time together is having her hang out with his friends or being alone getting physical. He’s not into her interests or what she thinks is fun to do. Even so, they both do like watching videos and playing pool.

34. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Chart A Relationship: How Connected? Spiritual: Jessie is spiritual, but doesn’t go to church anymore. Ben goes to church with his family and believes that it is important to keep going regularly. She likes to talk about serious things like whether God exists or what happens when you die. He makes fun of her serious side and her interest in talking about deep beliefs. He knows what he believes in and would rather not have debates about it.

35. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Chart A Relationship: How Connected? Commitment: He hasn’t thought beyond next month. She’s hoping to talk him into staying in school and going to college with her so that they can stay together. In fact, she’s writing his papers at school to improve his grades.

36. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Chart A Relationship: How Connected? 1. Would you say they have a “best friends” relationship? Do they share basic values? Do they enjoy doing many things together? Do they enjoy talking to each other - sharing thoughts and ideas? 2. How emotionally healthy is their relationship? Is it trusting and secure? Are their feelings for each other mutual? Is it mostly physical or is the attraction on many levels?

37. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Chart A Relationship: How Connected? 3. Do they each have a clear sense of identity (i.e., know who they are)? Do you think they both have a lot more growing up to do? Are they a good match for a long-term relationship? 4. Do you think it is a good idea for them to have sex together? Is it likely one or both of them will have regrets later if they have sex? Is it likely that one or the other may end up cheating?

38. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. True Intimacy True intimacy involves the linking of “hearts and souls.” It doesn’t come fast, or easily. It’s built over time as more emotional, verbal, social, and spiritual connections are made. And, as two people trust and commit to each other, these connections are deepened. Sex often fools people into believing they are close. A person thinks he or she is close to someone, but all the two really have is a physical connection. In fact, for a lot of couples, sex may be a substitute for true intimacy.

39. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Homework Workbook Applications: Eros or Agape? Is it Lust or Love? Real Love—Keeping it Strong True Intimacy—It’s Not Just a Physical Thing Avoiding Sexual Regrets—My Personal Line