1. Romance and Gender Arrggghhhh!!!!

2. Initiating In this stage we ask ourselves whether someone is appealing enough for us to initiate interaction with him or her. –If yes, we show an interest in making contact with the person. –Communication during this phase is typically brief and frequently formulized or ritualistic. We engage in superficial, casual interaction designed simply to open the channel between us. We look for appropriate conversation openers. Uncertainty reduction is a good explanation what is going on.

3. Experimenting Our objective is to find out whether the relationship is worth pursuing. –We attempt to reduce our uncertainty about the other person. –During this stage we keep our interaction casual as we probe the unknown in an effort to find out more about the other person. –During this stage we may discover possible areas for more meaningful conversation.

4. Intensifying As we become closer, the amount of information we are willing to disclose to one another increases. –We talk about more serious ideas, share secrets, become better at predicting each others’ behavior, use nicknames or expressions of affection when addressing each other, and adopt similar postures or clothing styles. –At this point Communication Accommodation theory is becoming more important.

5. Integrating In this stage we become a couple and are perceived by others as a pair. Our interpersonal synchrony (accommodation) also increases as we exhibit similar preferences for dress and begin to act, speak, and think more alike. –We are more willing to share relaxation time, a car, even a bank account. –At this point we begin to develop an even greater understanding and knowledge of each other, expect more from each other (Expectancy Violation Theory and obligation substitutes for persuasion), and interact with each other in a wider array of settings. (Social Penetration)

6. Bonding Here we announce our formal commitment to each other in a public ritual that lets the world in on the exclusive nature of our relationship. –Our relationship takes on a new character because it is now guided by specific rules and regulations established by custom or law. –Sometimes this change precipitates an initial discomfort as we attempt to adjust to it.

7. Differentiating The first of the “coming apart stages.” In this stage we attempt to make or re-establish our unique identities. –We ask “How am I different from him/her.” As we differentiate ourselves from each other we are apt to experience an increase in relational fights or conflicts. “our friends” becomes “my friends,” “our car” becomes “my car,” and so on. Although recognizing the difference between individuals who have bonded is not unusual as partners strive to regain some privacy, this stage can also signal that a relationship is experiencing stress that needs to be addressed.

8. Circumscribing The relationship between two people has begun to deteriorate, and a process of depenetration begins. –As a result, Our communication becomes much more superficial. –We make a conscious effort to limit the subject of discussion to those we consider “safe.” Talking about sensitive topics is considered taboo. We begin to withdraw both physically and mentally from the relationship. We talk with one another only when we have to, not because we want to. –We suffer from relationship fatigue, we lack interest in it, and we feel exhausted by it.

9. Stagnating Relationships in this stage no longer grow. Though the partners may share a common space, they no longer share each other. We have lost our enthusiasm for maintaining the relationship. –Communication feels strange and awkward. –We may even stiffen in each other’s presence. –We now perceive the other person as a stranger.

10. Avoiding In this stage we do our best to close relationships channels. –We take whatever steps necessary to ensure that we won’t have to relate in any way with each other. –We know that if we were to come together, it would be unpleasant, unfriendly, and antagonistic.

11. Terminating This is when we finally decide that it isn’t worth it and that we must express this with the other. –Formal Termination –True autonomy Can it really exist?

12. Dialectics: Managing Tensions Relationships are a mess Managing them requires work Dialectics help explain the opposing tensions that guide behavior

13. Internal Dialectics Connectedness and Separateness –Also called Autonomy and Connection Needs from men and women differ –Men have a grater need for autonomy –Women have a greater need for closeness (and connection) Gay and lesbian couples have more congruent perceptions and less problems.

14. Internal Dialectics Openness and Closedness –Related Dialectic: Self-disclosure and Freedom to Disclose Women disclose more and deeper levels –They tend to express love verbally Men tend to fall in love quicker than women –Men tend to express love through instrumentality Gay and Lesbian couples typically have higher levels of disclosure than cross-sex couples Certainty and Uncertainty –Related concept: Stability and Flux

15. External Dialectics Inclusion and Seclusion –Focuses on the couple’s need for connection with social networks Conventionality and Uniqueness – Society has a stake for conventionality, yet uniqueness adds excitement for the couple. When are you and Jane going to have children? Revelation and Concealment –Should we disclose that we are exclusive or not? Perhaps this begs the question of “should we be monogamous or date others”?

16. Tensions (Look at Page 176) Relational Monitoring Endurance (how much will they put up with?) Trustworthiness (Will my partner flirt back?) Commitment (How will she act if I introduce her as my girlfriend? If we are separated for awhile?) –Women monitor more overall. They assume the burden to monitor relationships, keep them on track, and keep them healthy.

17. Tensions (Look at Page 176) Sexual Intimacy –Men see sex as a form of physical enjoyment They have greater pressures to “score.” In long-term couples, men initiate more. –Women want and see sex as an expression of intimacy and closeness. They control if and when it is going to happen. They initiate the same as men at start of relationship, but less later. They view sexual fidelity as more important than men in measuring their relationship.

18. Conflict: We Desire Different Things! –Women are better at gauging partner’s position than men. –Responses to conflict Loyalty: remaining quietly committed while doing nothing to resolve problems Voice: Open discussion of conflict Neglect: Downplaying problems or denying them Exit: Psychologically or physically leaving the relationship

19. Saying “I Love You!” Perceptions of romance and expressions of love vary. –Men tend to think of displays of love in terms of going romantic places, having sex, or doing something that surprises her (p. 175). –Women tend think of displays of love in terms of quality and length of conversation, and time spent cuddling.