1. Parenting With Developing Effective Parent/Child Communication Presented by BRES Counselors Amy Cunningham and Robin Vaneman

2. What is our goal today? To develop a basic understanding of the Love and Logic philosophy. To identify common styles of parenting and the results they typically produce. Explore a new parenting style and ideas for dealing with common problems. Identify your own problem areas and develop a plan for using Love and Logic to help in these areas. Provide you with resources for further study and practice.

3. Why Love and Logic? Love and Logic is a philosophy developed by Jim Fay and Foster W. Cline, M.D. The basic belief in Love and Logic parenting is that “Love allows children to grow through their mistakes. Logic allows them to live with the consequences of their choices.” Goal of Love and Logic is to teach children responsibility.

4. 4 Principles of Love and Logic 1.Shared Control 2.Shared Thinking and Decision-Making 3.Equal Shares of Consequences and Empathy 4.Maintaining the Child’s Self-Concept

5. How Can Parenting With Love and Logic Help You and Your Child? Power Struggles Arguing/Talking Back Getting Chores Done Tantrums Dawdling Decision-making and Problem Solving Responsibility Reduce Stress in Everyone!!!

6. Three Parenting Styles

7. Two Common Styles Helicopters Hovers and Rescues Makes excuses for child Protects the child from natural consequences Uses guilt as the teacher Drill Sergeants Barks orders Makes lots of demands Uses punishment Uses pain and humiliation as the teacher

8. Look back at the two scenarios you responded to earlier. Did you use a “helicopter” or “drill sergeant” method?

9. Implied Messages: “You are helpless. You need me to protect you, to do things for you, and to rescue you.” “I don’t think you’re smart enough to know…” “You’re not learning fast enough.” “I’m bigger, I’m more powerful, I have more authority, and I can make you do things.” “You have to be told what to do by a voice outside your head.” Critical + Overly Protective = Irresponsible Children

10. Consultants Know how to “zip their lips.” Willing to share alternative solutions to problems and how they would solve the problem – if it were their problem. Give kids choices within limits. Allow natural consequences to occur. Impose logical consequences with EMPATHY. Empathy is the Key

11. We don’t get angry. We don’t riddle them with I-told-you-so’s. We don’t lecture. “If we get angry, we strip the consequences of their power. We insert ourselves into the process and impede the logic of the consequences from doing their thing. The child’s anger is directed toward us and not toward the lesson the consequences teach.” We put the relationship between us and our child first! “The thing that drives the lesson down into our children’s hearts after they make a mistake is our empathy and sadness.”

12. “Probably so.” “What a bummer. How sad.” “I know.” “Nice Try.” “Don’t worry about it now.” “I’m not sure how to react to that. I’ll have to get back to you on it.” “Really? I know you, and I’m sure you’ll come up with something.” “That’s terrible. How are you going to handle it?” “You must feel awful. What can you do? “Hm-m-m, that’s really an interesting way of looking at it. Let me know how that turns out.” “Wow, what a mess. Let me know what you come up with.” “The one-liners are only effective when said with genuine compassion and understanding.”

13. Ineffective Technique Love and Logic Technique Please sit down. We’re going t o eat now. We will eat as soon as you are seated. Don’t be bothering your sister. You are welcome to stay with us as long as you are not bothering your sister. Don’t talk to me in that tone of voice. I’ll listen as soon as your voice is as calm as mine.

14. Consultant - Implied Messages “You are wise enough to make good decisions. I trust you to know how to handle this.” “I love you even though you make mistakes.” “We are a team and I am on your side.”

15. Consequences – Natural and Logical The real world does not operate on punishment. Punishment does not require children to think or change their behavior. They just “do their time.” Consequences lead to self-examination and thought. Imposing natural consequences takes “guts” and can be hard to do, especially when it causes our children to suffer. Consequences can be delayed. It is ok to take time to think about a logical consequence. It gives our kids time to think too! Logical consequences must “fit the crime.”

16. 1.Your child hits his or her sibling. 2.Your child will not get ready for school. 3.Your child will not go to bed. 4.Your child will not eat his or her dinner. Can you think of more?

18. Pearls Of Wisdom “It takes one month to change a behavior for every year it existed in its old form.” “I don’t become what I think I can.” “I don’t become what you think I can.” “I become what I think you think I can.” “Model for children how a well-put-together adult handles him/herself.” “A bruised knee will mend; bruised courage may last a lifetime.”