1. Copyright Atomic Dog Publishing, 2004 Chapter Seven Partner Communication and Sexuality

2. Copyright Atomic Dog Publishing, 2004 Intimacy, Relationship, and Sexual Satisfaction Intimacy The emotional closeness and bond between two individuals. Intimacy develops over time as couples disclose their views, values, histories, goals, fears, dislikes, and preferences to each other.

3. Copyright Atomic Dog Publishing, 2004 Communication Theory - 1 Identity Formation Theory Looking Glass Self: The idea that the image people have of themselves is a reflection of what other people tell them about themselves. Social Learning Theory Verbal behavior is influenced by its consequences; stimuli following verbal behavior can increase or decrease the future rate of response, depending on whether the behavior is reinforced or punished.

4. Copyright Atomic Dog Publishing, 2004 Social Exchange Theory Social exchange theorists combine behavioral psychology and economic theory. Exchange theorists suggest that the interaction between partners can be described as a ratio of rewards to costs. Communication Theory - 2

5. Copyright Atomic Dog Publishing, 2004 Principles of Effective Communication in Intimate Relationships - 1 Initiate Discussion of Important Issues Failure to bring up a recurring relationship issue may translate into the issue never being addressed. Choose Good Timing Discuss important issues when:  Partners are alone together with no distractions.  Both partners have ample time to talk.  When both partners are rested and sober.

6. Copyright Atomic Dog Publishing, 2004 Principles of Effective Communication in Intimate Relationships - 2 Give Congruent Messages  Verbal messages: Words individuals say to each other  Nonverbal messages: Type of communication involving: -Facial expressions -Gestures -Bodily contact -Tone of voice

7. Copyright Atomic Dog Publishing, 2004 Principles of Effective Communication in Intimate Relationships - 3 Minimize Criticism; Maximize Compliments  Research on marital interaction has consistently shown that one brutal “zinger” can erase 20 acts of kindness.  Self-fulfilling prophecy: Behaving in such a way as to make expectations come true  Primacy/Recency Effect: The tendency of individuals to remember best what occurs first and last in a sequence Communicate Feelings To communicate emotions, a person must first recognize and label, or describe, the emotions.

8. Copyright Atomic Dog Publishing, 2004 Principles of Effective Communication in Intimate Relationships - 4 Table 10-1 Rephrasing Complaints into Requests ComplaintsRequests I don't like to make love when you are sweaty and dirty Please take a shower before we make love. Or, I’ll guarantee better sex if you shower first. Don't rub so hardPlease rub more softly….like this I don't want you to stay up so late at night How about coming to bed at 10:30 and let me know how I can make it worth doing so? Leave me alone; I'm trying to get ready for work! We can have some long slow sex after a glass of wine tonight Whenever I ask you to massage me, you end up wanting to have sex with me Half the time, it would be nice for you to massage me without expecting sex

9. Copyright Atomic Dog Publishing, 2004 Principles of Effective Communication in Intimate Relationships – 5 Table 10-2 Examples of Vague and Specific Communication VagueSpecific I want more foreplayI would like for us to kiss and gently rub each other more than we do now. I mean, maybe for 15 minutes or so. I'd like us to try something newI'd like us to use a vibrator. I hear the Rabbit is a real buzz. Let’s spice up our sex life with a video sometime Let’s rent an adult video Saturday night

10. Copyright Atomic Dog Publishing, 2004 Principles of Effective Communication in Intimate Relationships - 6 Tell Your Partner What You Want Rather than complain about what you don’t want, it is helpful to make requests for, or statements about, what you do want. Make Statements Instead of Asking Questions When partners are uncomfortable, they may put their statements in the form of questions. Question: “Do you think we should see a sex therapist?” Statement: “I would like for us to see a sex therapist.”

11. Copyright Atomic Dog Publishing, 2004 Principles of Effective Communication in Intimate Relationships - 8 Make Statements Instead of Asking Questions When partners are uncomfortable or unwilling to express their feelings and wants, they may put their statements in the form of questions. Ask Open-Ended Questions  Open-ended question: A broad question designed to elicit a great deal of information  Closed-ended question: Type of question that yields little information and can be answered in one word

12. Copyright Atomic Dog Publishing, 2004 Principles of Effective Communication in Intimate Relationships - 7 Table 10-3 Open-Ended and Closed-Ended Questions Open-Ended QuestionsClose-Ended Questions What are your thoughts about condom use? Do you have a condom? What can I do to please you sexually? Would you like oral sex? Do you want children? How many? Tell me your thoughts about having children. Do you want to try rear-entry position? Have sex in the rocking chair? Blindfold me? How do you feel about trying something new? Do you believe in abortion?What are your views on abortion?

13. Copyright Atomic Dog Publishing, 2004 Principles of Effective Communication in Intimate Relationships - 8 Use Reflective Listening Communication technique in which one person restates the meaning of what his or her partner has said in a conversation. Use “I” Statements  “I” statements: Statements that focus on the feelings and thoughts of the communicator without making a judgment on what the other person says or does.  “You” statements: Statements that blame or criticize the listener.

14. Copyright Atomic Dog Publishing, 2004 Principles of Effective Communication in Intimate Relationships - 9 Personal Choices: What to Do When Your Partner Will Not Communicate  Change your strategy.  Interpret silence in a positive way. (This negates any power your partner might be expressing through silence.)  Focus less on the relationship and more on satisfying yourself.

15. Copyright Atomic Dog Publishing, 2004 Principles of Effective Communication in Intimate Relationships - 10 Keep the Process Going Do not allow the content to shut down the process. Take Responsibility for Being Understood Restate thoughts and ideas until the partner understands the message. Avoid Rehashing/Stay focused Keep the focus on the intent of the discussion.

16. Copyright Atomic Dog Publishing, 2004 Honesty and Dishonesty in Interpersonal Communication - 1 Forms of Dishonesty and Deception In addition to telling outright lies, people may exaggerate the truth, pretend, or conceal the truth. Self-deception occurs when people deny or fail to acknowledge personal thoughts, values, or goals. Privacy Versus Secrecy and Deception The more intimate the relationship, the greater the desire is to share personal and private thoughts with partners.

17. Copyright Atomic Dog Publishing, 2004 Honesty and Dishonesty in Interpersonal Communication - 2 Extent of Dishonesty Among College Students Lying in relationships among college students is not uncommon. Personal Choices: Is Honesty Always the Best Policy? Some individuals believe that relationships can be functional only when a certain amount of illusion is maintained. Being open yourself may also be used against you.

18. Copyright Atomic Dog Publishing, 2004 Resolving Conflict in Relationships - 1 Steps for Resolving Conflict

19. Copyright Atomic Dog Publishing, 2004 Resolving Conflict in Relationships - 2 Approach Communication from a Premise of Respect/Negotiation Each partner must regard the other as an equal and acknowledge that each partner’s perspective and view deserve respect. Address Any Recurring Issues By expressing concern, a partner identifies the problem from his or her perspective and asks for the partner’s cooperation in solving it.

20. Copyright Atomic Dog Publishing, 2004 Resolving Conflict in Relationships - 3 Focus on What You Want (Rather Than What You Don’t Want) Dealing with conflict is more likely to result in resolution if the partners focus on what they want rather than what they don’t want. Find Out Your Partner’s Point of View Ask your partner open-ended questions in an effort to get him or her to express thoughts and feelings about a particular situation.

21. Copyright Atomic Dog Publishing, 2004 Resolving Conflict in Relationships - 4 Generate Win-Win Solutions to the Conflict  Win-win solution: Outcome of an interpersonal conflict in which both people feel satisfied with the agreement or resolution Evaluate and Select a Solution  Is the solution specific?  Is the solution realistic?  Does the solution prevent the problem from recurring?  Does the solution specify what is to happen if the problem recurs?

22. Copyright Atomic Dog Publishing, 2004 Gender Differences in Communication Men and women are socialized in different same-sex cultures, and when they talk to the other sex, it is like talking to a member of another culture. Men generally approach communication like public speaking or giving a report; they see talk as for information. Women generally engage in “rapport-talk,” using talk for interaction and establishing connections.