1. CommunicationCommunication: extremely important. Most problems involve communication failureextremely important. Most problems involve communication failure Patterns of Interaction: constructive vs. destructiveconstructive vs. destructive constructive interaction strengthens human bonds and enhances self-esteem constructive interaction strengthens human bonds and enhances self-esteem Intimacy entails mutual self-disclosure. Need for truthfulness, leads to trust. Trust strengthens intimacy.Intimacy entails mutual self-disclosure. Need for truthfulness, leads to trust. Trust strengthens intimacy.

2. Communication (Cont’d): Truth in Sex: Truth in Sex: Private vs. Public TalkPrivate vs. Public Talk Importance of non-verbal communication (90%) Importance of non-verbal communication (90%) Intent: Intent: what you mean to saywhat you mean to say Impact: Impact: what the other hearswhat the other hears Need for frequent clarification of both Need for frequent clarification of both

3. Communication (Cont’d):  Ambiguous vs. Non-Ambiguous Messages  Fair Fighting  Misinterpretation of Sex Signals  Focus 10.2: Tannen’s Work Tannen’s Work Men tend to use language for information, status and one-upmanshipMen tend to use language for information, status and one-upmanship Women tend to use language to get close, for intimacy, sharing, rapportWomen tend to use language to get close, for intimacy, sharing, rapport Recent research shows #s not so great, but are there Recent research shows #s not so great, but are there

4. Communication (Cont’d): Receiving message: Receiving message: active listeningactive listening non-defensivenon-defensive really listenreally listen feedback:feedback: I heard you say … paraphrasing I heard you say … paraphrasing  Validation  Non-Verbal Communication

5. Communication (Cont’d): Active Listening: Active Listening: attentive body language, appropriate facial expressions, asking questions, making brief commentsattentive body language, appropriate facial expressions, asking questions, making brief comments Paraphrasing, showing true understanding of the message: Paraphrasing, showing true understanding of the message: rephrasing in own words what the listener heard. Opportunity to clarify misunderstandings.rephrasing in own words what the listener heard. Opportunity to clarify misunderstandings.

6. Communication (Cont’d): Feedback: Feedback: communicate verbally our reaction to the messagecommunicate verbally our reaction to the message Acceptance of Message: Acceptance of Message: I really appreciate your telling me this. Your disclosure sheds a lot of light on our problem. What you told me makes it easier for me to understand where you’re coming from.I really appreciate your telling me this. Your disclosure sheds a lot of light on our problem. What you told me makes it easier for me to understand where you’re coming from.

7. Communication (Cont’d): Unconditional Positive Regard Unconditional Positive Regard Conveying that you love the person no matter what they revealConveying that you love the person no matter what they reveal When questioning, use open-ended questions rather than yes/no questions When questioning, use open-ended questions rather than yes/no questions E.g. of yes/no:E.g. of yes/no: Do you like oral sex? Do you like oral sex? Did you come? Did you come? E.g. of open-ended:E.g. of open-ended: What gives you the most pleasure? What gives you the most pleasure? Where do you like to be touched? Where do you like to be touched? What are your feelings about oral sex? What are your feelings about oral sex?

8. Communication (Cont’d): “I” statements” “I” statements” “You don’t care about me” vs. “I feel ignored”.“You don’t care about me” vs. “I feel ignored”. “You upset me” vs. “I’m upset”.“You upset me” vs. “I’m upset”. “You don’t love me” vs. “I feel unloved”.“You don’t love me” vs. “I feel unloved”.

9. Communication (Cont’d): Documenting: Documenting: stick to specificsstick to specifics Leveling: Leveling: be honest and clearbe honest and clear Editing: Editing: leave out hurtful commentsleave out hurtful comments

10. Communication (Cont’d): Alexithymia: Alexithymia: Inability to verbalize one’s feelings or emotions, or even be aware of them.Inability to verbalize one’s feelings or emotions, or even be aware of them. Very common in men.Very common in men. Due to gender role socialization.Due to gender role socialization. In today’s context it has become dysfunctional.In today’s context it has become dysfunctional.

11. Communication (Cont’d): Alexithymia: Alexithymia: Fear, sadness and shame:Fear, sadness and shame: transformed into aggression transformed into aggression Caring emotions:Caring emotions: transformed into sex transformed into sex

12. Communication (Cont’d):  Destructive patterns of interaction: Criticism Criticism Contempt Contempt Defensiveness Defensiveness Attack Attack Withdrawal, stonewalling Withdrawal, stonewalling