1. Children & Deployment| 1 Children, Teens, and Deployment What Parents Can Do to Foster Resilience 2008

2. Children & Deployment| 2 Objectives  To identify children’s developmental needs related to deployment and their age  To describe the impact of deployment on children and teens  To explain parenting strategies that nurture resilience in children and teens during deployment  To identify resources and where to get help related to deployment

3. Children & Deployment| 3 Maintain a State of Preparedness During Deployment  Understand the deployment cycle – and children  Supportive Family relationships  Effective communication skills  Critical thinking skills  Develop coping skills and resilience in response to stress.  Parents - Care of Self,  Infants &Toddlers, Preschoolers, School-Age Children, and Teens  Understand combat deployment, trauma, and death  Partner with Child, Youth & School (CYS) Services  Cope with pregnancy during deployment  Identify resources - Where to get help

4. Children & Deployment| 4 Anticipating the Challenges The Deployment Cycle  Train-up/Preparation  Mobilization  Deployment  Employment  Redeployment  Post Deployment  Reconstitution

5. Children & Deployment| 5 Train-Up/Preparation and Mobilization  Duty to the military intensifies, distancing from Family begins  Trying to make this “the best of Family times” by solving all issues often creates more stress  Both parents need to prepare their children and teens  Parents must take care of themselves to be available to care for children  Be knowledgeable & pro-active in addressing children’s needs  Secure relationships, effective communication, critical thinking, and thorough preparation build resilience in children and teens

6. Children & Deployment| 6 Deployment  Anticipation and anxiety of parent separation becomes real  Experience a flood of emotions - sadness, fear, frustration, anger, loss, and grief  Remember, children, teens, and parents can grow strong as individuals and in their Family relationships when they practice effective coping skills and foster resilience

7. Children & Deployment| 7 Employment  Adjustment to new routines, roles, and responsibilities  Over time, confidence increases  Nurture parent/child relationships, communicate effectively, and think together to solve problems, maintain trust, and foster a sense of security  Unreasonably disturbing information should be thoughtfully set aside  Family, friends, faith-based and community groups, professionals, and the Family Readiness Group (FRG) can be sources of support  When adapting is too difficult, seek help from professionals - Family doctor, school teachers and counselors, and mental health professionals

8. Children & Deployment| 8 Redeployment  Time of transition and preparation  Requires careful communication, critical thinking, and preparation to be successful  During the course of a year, children and teens grow up  Changes in Soldier may be extensive due to deployment  Expectations are high - parent at home tries to complete tasks; Children prepare themselves for gaining back the deployed parent  Mixed, conflicting, and ambiguous feelings – excitement, anticipation, apprehension, anxiousness, and feelings of having missed out and how changes will be perceived by everyone

9. Children & Deployment| 9 Post Deployment and Reconstitution  Change and uncertainty:  Renegotiating roles, responsibilities  Awkwardness of reuniting with Spouse and children  Job related issues  Young children – need time to re-know the parent-Soldier  School age children – need lots of attention, appear infatuated  Teens - may feel mature, moody, or resentful towards the absent parent that may appear to not understand just how grown up they are  Foster respect and unity, allow time to critically think together  Effective communication, critical thinking skills, and support helps deal with changes and to reconnect  Aftermath of combat deployment, trauma, or death - especially challenging  Seek professional help from counselors and community support groups

10. Children & Deployment| 10 Key Parenting Factors Key parenting factors that minimize stress, enhance coping, and foster resilience are:  Maintaining supportive relationships  Communicating effectively  Thinking critically

11. Children & Deployment| 11 Development of Children and Teens Supportive Family Relationships  Help develop securely attached relationships (with non-deployed and deployed parent)  Support development of positive psychological outcomes – trust, independence, initiative, competence, and positive identity  Be prompt, consistent, sensitive, nurturing and firm  Encourage self-confidence and positive self esteem  Help children and teens feel safe, have empathy, communicate, and reason and think  Avoid teenagers taking on the role of adults during deployment, yet some additional responsibilities nurture independence and competence  Nurture a sense of safety, belonging to a Family, and positive identification with the military

12. Children & Deployment| 12 Development of Children and Teens Effective Communication  Model active listening  Engage in give-and-take conversations  Initiate conversations - discuss facts, logic, and reason to help navigate difficult issues  Let children know feelings related to deployment are normal  Begin regular, honest communication about what concerns children during the early years  Ask children/ teens what they think to foster critical thinking  Ask questions to find out what children/teens have questions about and to decide what they are ready to understand  Be tuned into behaviors that alert parents to feelings and stress  Explain and help children read meanings of non-verbal gestures  Be available when children want to talk

13. Children & Deployment| 13 Development of Children and Teens Critical Thinking  Help children analyze information, understand logic and reason, and solve problems  Provide nurturance and stimulation  Listen to children, engage in discussions, set firm limits, and help children/teens make decisions based on facts and values (authoritative parenting)  Allow children/teens to experience consequences of their decisions and behavior  Encourage children/teens to think critically and make choices  Steps for parents to use to nurture critical thinking in children and teens:  Focus on learning, not punishing  Help children identify the problem or concern  Help collect, analyze, and determine reliable and valid information  Use active listening, logic, and reason  Discuss values  Help children/teens identify multiple choices/solutions and the consequences of each  Help children to decide what to do and believe - Select the solution that matches values and goals using synthesis, logic, and reasoning  Implement the solution or plan  Evaluate results with children/teens  Repeat the process, when needed

14. Children & Deployment| 14 Stress of Deployment Stressors that cause the greatest difficulty for children and teens:  Fear for parent’s safety  Separation from parent during lengthy, multiple deployments  Changes in routines, roles, and responsibilities  Intense emotions and changes in Family relationships  Relocation  Media  Reintegration of parent-Soldier into Family Risk factors that can increase stress:  Isolation, not having a close unit affiliation  Limited or no prior military experience  Pregnancy or having young children  Lower income  Having additional stressors on top of deployment

15. Children & Deployment| 15 Coping and Resilience  Coping – deliberate responses to alleviate the negative impact of stress  Resilience – ability to be flexible, thrive during stressful times, and rebound from adversity stronger  Due to the uniqueness of each deployment, parental support requires critical thinking – seldom is there one right way to cope with and overcome deployment – focus of support requires parents and children to think critically and collaboratively together  Deployment challenges are opportunities to strengthen resilience  Parents need to be proactive to reduce stress and reactive to enhance coping  Preparedness, supportive relationships, effective communication, and critical thinking provide the foundation that strengthens resilience

16. Children & Deployment| 16 Maintaining a State of Preparedness Be Proactive  Prepare an Emergency Care Plan  Prepare a Family Care Plan  Prepare a Will  Communicate all plans to Family and guardian  Access resources available

17. Children & Deployment| 17 Strategies to Foster Resilience Parents – Care of Self  Model proper health and fitness - ensure proper nutrition, sleep, and exercise  Communicate effectively  Think through issues critically  Extend support network inside military - unit connections, CYS Services, FRG  Maintain supportive relationships - Family, friends, community, spiritual connection  Balance work and Family  Schedule appointments to minimize being rushed  Have fun, laugh, and play with children often  Choose quality friends, and schedule time with friends away from the children  Live within financial means and save money  Do not abuse tobacco, drugs, or alcohol  Pursue a new health regiment, get involved in volunteer work, go back to school, or take up a new hobby  Engage in relaxation activities, create a Family photo album, or keep a journal or diary  Seek professional help

18. Children & Deployment| 18 Infants and Toddlers  Cry or fuss more than usual  More frequent aggression, frustration, and temper  Revert to previous, out grown behaviors – thumb sucking, baby talk, and toileting accidents  Changes in sleeping and eating habits  Need to feel in control and may be more difficult to comfort  Pretend play scary events - trying to make sense  Shy, withdrawn, and cling to parent or caregiver, or fear separation  Not recognize or pull away from parent-Soldier when they return  Be frightened by a new adult voice  Show signs of jealousy of parents spending time together

19. Children & Deployment| 19 Infants and Toddlers Developmental Needs … Parenting Strategies  To form trusting, not mistrusting, relationships –  be loving, sensitive, consistent, and responsive to discomforts  To feel/sense more emotions than they can explain –  address the cause of the behavior, rather than punish the misbehavior; underlying misbehavior is usually a need  provide sensitive responses that teach coping  To learn from /absorb experiences around them, take cues from parents –  model effective coping and take care of self to be available for child  have regular check-ups with pediatrician  participate in professional counseling and community support services  To form secure attachments with parents –  watch for child’s cues of what is comforting and provide that comfort  create connections with the deployed parent  reconstitution - ease into the relationship, and give child time to adjust

20. Children & Deployment| 20 Preschoolers  Sad or frustrated  Irritable, confused, and guilty – may think they caused parent to leave  Become clingy – separation anxiety  Display aggressive, demanding and angry outbursts  Poke or hit the parent – anger or to test the realness of their presence  Engage in pretend play trying to make sense out of the situation  Regress to behaviors they had out grown – toileting accidents, eating with fingers, baby talk, or sucking their thumb  Be afraid at night or have bad dreams  Ignore the returning parent, or try to make them feel guilty for having left  Feel content, elated, or security of the Family unit being together again  Try to impress returning parent with new skills – good behavior

21. Children & Deployment| 21 Preschoolers Developmental Needs … Parenting Strategies  To understand concrete ideas, feel and understand more than they can say –  help child learn by exploring, actively doing – see and touch in addition to hearing  use simple, concrete words  To make sense out of their world –  support imaginative/pretend play  participate in play and clarify misunderstanding  avoid violence, war, and graphic descriptions  gain insight into your own behaviors when children mimic their parents  To feel safe and secure –  help children handle anger, sadness, and frustration; misbehavior is a sign of a need  frequently hold, hug, have conversations, and spend quality time together  maintain routines  answer questions with confidence  reassure their safety and parent is well trained for the job  set firm, reasonable limits  Eager to learn –  encourage play  ask questions to clarify what children think and are ready to understand  answer questions with honest, yet simple, concrete, and confident answers

22. Children & Deployment| 22 School-Age Children  Feel guilty, confused, sad, depressed, irritable, angry, and worried  Complain, display anger or aggressive behavior  Experience rapid mood swings  Have changes in eating and sleeping patterns  Demonstrate disinterest in school, recreational activities, and friends  Feel resentment toward the deployed parent for missing events – birthdays  Feel hurt by parent’s absence, and say or do things that would return the hurt  Point out how other parents do things better  Want to please the parent with new skills  Try to act “grown up” and impress the parent  Feel guilty for not doing enough or being good enough  Fears the returning parent will discipline them for things that happened during deployment  Boast to friends about their parent’s accomplishments or job  Talk endlessly to update the returning parent on things they missed

23. Children & Deployment| 23 School-Age Children Developmental Needs … Parenting Strategies  To feel confident and successful –  help children identify their strengths  help children find healthy activities that challenge them but that they can be successful  To think more critically, understand deployment, values, faith belief –  provide honest, accurate, and reliable information  avoid unnecessarily scary details  help think critically and choose coping strategies  To be responsible –  allow opportunities to take on additional, appropriate tasks  provide time to talk about concerns  help find activities that distract and provide respite from deployment worries  To be independent –  allow more freedom  encourage relationships with friends and supportive adults  provide space and privacy, yet monitor carefully  be alert and “clued-in” to child’s activities and feelings

24. Children & Deployment| 24 Teenagers  Act overly strong and mature  Act unconcerned, apathetic, and not interested  Feel irritable, anxious, fear, mad, sad, isolated, lonely, shocked, and depressed  Act rebellious or disrespectful – fight or throw objects  Mixed feelings – proud and angry  Quick changes in emotion – happy then sad  Problems in school or unusual changes  Change in eating, weight loss, or weight gain  Increased interest in friends – say, “friends’ Families do things better”  Isolation, hiding their social life and activities from their parents  Possible promiscuity, abuse of drugs or alcohol  Lashing out at others and self, inflicting intentional harm on themselves  Resentment toward returning parent for missing important events  Ignore returning parent, or try to make the parent feel guilty for leaving in the first place  Fear discipline by returning parent for things that happened during deployment

25. Children & Deployment| 25 Teenagers Developmental Needs … Parenting Strategies  To think and reason at a higher level –  help find accurate information, consider multiple possibilities and hypothetical circumstances  carefully listen to teenagers  discuss logic, reason, beliefs, and why  model effective communication and critical thinking  be explicit and open when questioned rather than being offended  To develop a positive sense of identity –  model a strong, positive identification with the military, Family culture, heritage, faith, patriotism, ethics, values, and morals  help teenagers identify their strength;  encourage activities that develop their interests  foster critical thinking and reasoning to help determine their beliefs and values  To belong and develop friendships and intimacy –  support open, honest, and caring relationships  encourage additional responsibilities commensurate with their maturity  avoid expecting them to fulfill parents role  even though their bodies may resemble adults emotionally and mentally they are not – avoid participation in adult behaviors  provide space but not total freedom - stay engaged and “tuned in” to needs, warning signs, and activities

26. Children & Deployment| 26 Combat Deployment, Trauma, & Death  Research on children is limited  More profound effects than non-combat deployment – ongoing stress, threats to safety, chronic anxiety, mental and emotional strain, and post traumatic stress  Reactions depend on age; gender; level of development; temperament; perceptions; parent’s reactions; Family support, cohesion, and adaptability; coping effectiveness; previous traumatic events; spirituality; beliefs; and mental illness.  Children often have misconceptions about war, bizarre perceptions of deployed parent’s activities, and fears of possible death - better to avoid media and have frank, yet appropriate discussions about war  School-age children and teens acknowledge they use fighting, acting out, biting nails, daydreaming, and lashing out as coping, but most withdraw, isolate themselves, and do not reach out to others for support

27. Children & Deployment| 27 Combat Deployment, Trauma, and Death  Help children/teens feel safe – provide reassurance  Have conversations/communicate before, during, and after deployment – help children know what to expect  Include children/teens in thinking critically through circumstances and issues that involve them  Ensure supportive relationships for children/teens with Family and friends – someone to talk to (that listens and reassures), do things with, and provide distraction from stress  Seek community support – school teachers and counselors, FRG, youth leaders, and faith groups  Be alert to and seek professional help for mental health problems in children/teens – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, anxiety, and depression

28. Children & Deployment| 28 Partnering with Childcare Programs, Schools and CYS Services  Keep teachers/partners informed  Inform school of caretaker’s permission to act in the parenting role  Inform children/teens of resources available at school  Discuss with teachers/partners ways they can help  Be helpful when children are unable to focus, validate feelings - fear, anger, and confusion  Allow children to share information from their deployed parent  Encourage expression of feelings through writing or drawing  Set up counseling and military support groups  Incorporate information on military missions, countries in curriculum - writing essays, and reading  Provide maps and globes to show location of U.S. troops  Write or illustrate a class book and send to deployed parent  Prepare a welcome home banner from the school/program for parent-Soldier’s return  Access helpful web sites; Military Child Education Coalition – www.militarychild.org  Send audio or video tapes of deployed parent with child to share with class/friends  Send copies of newsletters, pictures, videos, and progress reports to the deployed parent  Plan a school spirit day  Initiate a service project at school supporting Soldiers  Upon return, spend time at school, volunteer, and share appropriate information

29. Children & Deployment| 29 Pregnancy During Deployment Train-Up/Preparation, Mobilization, and Deployment  Prepare Family Care Plan and Emergency Care Plan  Discuss plans, responsibilities, and dreams  Stay connected with deployed parent  Have regular prenatal and baby checkups  Budget for financial demands of a baby  Maintain supportive relationships  Seek community help – mental health, child development classes, faith groups  Develop secure attachment (trust) with baby, be responsive and consistent  Take time to reflect on changes in your life  Learn about child development - what to expect from your baby Post Deployment and Reconstitution  Help returning parent understand new baby, roles, and responsibilities  Develop secure attachment with baby – enjoy the new relationship, and share caretaking  Maintain relationship with Spouse – be patient, yet diligent in finding time together  Understand parenthood changes parents  Keep contact with community support systems – mental health, faith groups, parenting programs, and FRG

30. Children & Deployment| 30 Web Site Resources Available DOD  Military OneSource  Military Child in Transition and Deployment Army  MyArmyLifeToo  Army Child & Youth Services  Army National Guard Family Program  Army Reserve Family Programs  Operation Military Kids  Army MWR Federal Government  CYFERnet  SAMHSA Civilian  American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry  American Academy of Pediatrics  American Psychological Association  Military Child Education Coalition  National Military Family Association  The Dougy Center  Zero to Three

31. Children & Deployment| 31 Questions?

32. Children & Deployment| 32 Closing Remarks The focus of this session has been to:  Identify the challenges children and teens may experience during deployment  Understand developmental needs when challenges occur  Provide parenting strategies that prevent undue stress, enhance coping, and foster resilience Parenting strategies that foster resilience in children during deployment include:  Be prepared for deployment  Anticipate the challenges across the deployment cycle  Understand child development - misbehavior signals developmental need  Have a Family Care Plan, Emergency Care Plan and Will  Take care of self – parent care  Maintain supportive Family relationships – connect with deployed parent  Help children/teens develop communication skills  Help children/teens develop critical thinking skills  Seek support for children/youth – Family, friends, military, community and professional