1. 1 Our Agenda Hellos Reminders Unit 8 discussion  Peer review Unit 9  Revising the essay  Some things to consider

2. 2 Using the revision topic handout INTRODUCTION Topic – who or what is this paper about? Thesis statement (contained within introductory paragraph) 2 ND PARAGRAPH – topic? Topic sentence? Details focused? Topic: Topic sentence: Details:

3. 3 Using the revision topic handout CONCLUSION– does it work with introduction and supporting paragraphs? List in order the thesis statement and topic sentences from above 1) 2) 3) 4) 5) Now write the topic sentence from your conclusion: 6) Does your conclusion make sense based upon what you have written in your other paragraphs? If yes, you are done. If no, think about what areas can be changed.

4. 4 Revising the draft Is the information presented in a clear manner? Might it be effective to move some paragraphs or points around? Does each paragraph focus on one point only?

5. 5 Topic? Topic sentence? Details focused? o Aggressive actions increase in children after playing violent video games. In one study students played either a violent video game or a non-violent video game. Next they played against another student. The winner was rewarded with being able to give a noise blast and was allowed to choose how loud and how long the blast would be. The violent video game playing students gave longer blasts, compared to the non-violent game-playing students (Walsh Ph.D., 2001). This suggests that aggression in children rise dramatically after playing violent video games.

6. 6 Topic? Topic sentence? Details focused? o Some parents are losing sight of why these children are playing--and that to the children is what they are doing: “playing.” Many parents come to their child’s practice or game with their own agenda of win, win, win at all costs. The team winning, the points scored, who is the big scorer: these are the issues that have replaced fun and sportsmanship in the eyes of these parents. These unreasonable expectations of winning, not messing up, being the star player, and making mom and/or dad proud are everything. “These parents expect perfection from their children, the coaches and the referees” (Sachs, 2000, p.62). It no longer is for the kids. Maybe Mom or Dad were promising athletes in their youth and for one reason or another were robbed of their hopes and are pinning all of their own wants, needs, wishes, and “what ifs” on their child or children (Kehe, 2000). The major problem seems to be that these parents are not considering what the children want. According to a “Kidthink” survey conducted by Jerry Kirshenbaum (1993), the kids want things like “unlimited free throws until they miss in basketball, everyone having a turn to play, less violence in hockey, using their hands in soccer, and to have fun” (p.12). Perhaps the parents should listen to the children on this issue.

7. 7 Consider repetition, wordiness (precision in language) Much later, on June 23, 2002, Charles Haynes, senior scholar for the First Amendment Center, wrote a viewpoint of the effect cases fought by Jehovah’s Witnesses have had on Americans, at least, in his article, “Why Jehovah’s Witnesses’ victory is a win for us all,” and is posted on the First Amendment Center’s web site. Part of that article is here quoted: (n.b. quotation is omitted in this sample).

8. 8 Editing and proofreading Are all sentences grammatically correct? Put the essay aside for a day or two  Print it  Read it aloud Run spell check (please…) Ask a friend to read the essay aloud.  Listen for confusing sections  Watch friend’s body language – does he/she seem confused by any sections?

9. 9 Final check… Are all sources cited? Does the project include a title page? Does the project include a references page?

10. 10 The coming week Informative essay due 10/23 Review APA and use the KU Handbook Revise the essay Post to the Discussion Thread Visit the Coffee Shop SSG

11. 11 Any questions?