1. Mitch Hedberg Mitchell Lee Hedberg was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and unconventional comedic delivery. Hedberg's comedy typically featured short, sometimes one-line jokes, and observational comedy, mixed with absurd elements and more..more..

2. “ Mitch Hedberg:This is what my friend said to me; he said, "Guess what I like, Mashed potatoes." It's like,"Dude. you have to give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you have to insert a pause." #America#America

3. “ Mitch Hedberg:I have a new CD; it's in stores, and when you have a CD in stores, you have to do in-store appearances, and if nobody shows up, I just pretend like I'm shopping. That's how I shop; I sit behind a table with a pen. #Writers and Writing#Writers and Writing

4. “ Mitch Hedberg:If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way. #Money#Money

5. “ Mitch Hedberg:I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too. #Drugs #Drugs

6. “ Mitch Hedberg:I don't have any children but if I had a baby I would have to name it so I'd buy a "baby naming book". Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on. #Books - Reading#Books - Reading

7. “ Mitch Hedberg:I didn’t go to college but if I did I would’ve taken all my tests at a restaurant 'cause “The customer’s always right.” #Performance#Performance

8. “ Mitch Hedberg:You can write that down and put a dash in front of it, and put my name at the bottom. Because all I want to be is dashed #Writers and Writing#Writers and Writing

9. “ Mitch Hedberg:I got a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Well you won't believe what I have in store for you! It's to your exact specifications! I believe I can set up your lady friend, too!" #Friends and Friendship#Friends and Friendship

10. “ Mitch Hedberg:I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it. #Freedom #Freedom

11. “ Mitch Hedberg:If I was on death row and given one last meal I would ask for a fortune cookie. "Come on 'long prosperous life!'" #Excellence#Excellence

12. “ Mitch Hedberg:Yeah, this comedy is all a part of my “Get Rich Slow” scheme and it’s working. #Voting#Voting

13. “ Mitch Hedberg:Remember that show 'My Three Sons'? It'd be funny if it was called 'My One Dad'... wait, what? #Environmentalism #Environmentalism

14. “ Mitch Hedberg:Vending machines are big part of my life, I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up, that's a good invention, before that it was hard times for the vending machine owners, "What candy bar are you getting?", "That one, and every one on the bottom row!" #Change#Change

15. “ Mitch Hedberg:I saw a lady on T.V. She was born without arms. Literally, she was born with her hands attached to her shoulders... and that was sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't.'" And that to me was kinda worse... in a way... ya know? Not only does she not have arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's very simple Lola, you just take two words, you put them together, then you take out the middle letters, you put a comma in there and you raise it up! #Grammar#Grammar

16. “ Mitch Hedberg:When I was younger, my mother told me, "Mitch, some day you're going to have to move out of the house and get a job." Well, today is the day, that's why I'm here with you people. #Mothers#Mothers

17. “ Mitch Hedberg:I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it'd be a jacket. #Agents#Agents

18. “ Mitch Hedberg:See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my last CD into a store was to take one in there and leave it. “Sir, you forgot this!” “No, I did not. That is for ‘sale’. Please alphabetize ‘it’.” #Marriage#Marriage

19. “ Mitch Hedberg:I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. #Prophecy#Prophecy

20. “ Mitch Hedberg:If you boat a lot you are known as a boating enthusiast. I like to bowl, but I just don't ever want to be referred to as a bowling enthusiast. I hope they call me a guy that likes to bowl. #Enthusiasm#Enthusiasm

21. “ Mitch Hedberg:I dressed up for the CD. #Dress#Dress

22. Related Authors on iWise About iWise Building the worlds wisdom engine. Follow us to get a brilliant quote of the day. You can customize which authors you get quotes from at www.iwise.comwww.iwise.com Paula Poundstone Steven Wright