1. CO-PARENTING COUNSELING Part II:

2. Next month:  The curriculum  Examples of homework given  Accepting the situation as it is. (No matter what you do The Other will never change.)  Adapting to The Unchanging Other  Rewriting the narrative  Applying the rules of shared parenting

3.  Create a functional co-parenting relationship.  Shepherd children to functioning independent adulthood.  Reduce or eliminate the need for litigation.  Improve parents’ ability to resolve issues and make decisions. PURPOSE:

4.  Parental conflict is highly toxic for children.  Conflict creates tension and stress that reduces reasoning abilities.  The tensions need to be de-escalated to a manageable level.  Understanding the underlying processes can help the parties manage their own reactivity.  So, what is going on between the ears?

5. 5 The Russian physiologist Ivan Pavlov elucidated the principles of classical conditioning. His work provides a basis for understanding the visceral reaction highly conflicted couples have to each other. Ivan Pavlov (1849-1936) Sovfoto

6. 6 Before conditioning, food (Unconditioned Stimulus, US) produces salivation (Unconditioned Response, UR). However, the tone (neutral stimulus) does not.

7. 7 During conditioning, the neutral stimulus (tone) and the US (food) are paired, resulting in salivation (UR). After conditioning, the neutral stimulus (now Conditioned Stimulus, CS) elicits salivation (now Conditioned Response, CR)

8.  Parents will have widely differing theories as to why.  No need to debate or agree as to the “why of it”,  Focus on “the what of it”.  What to do about it?  What needs to happen to allow for change?  What can each person do to improve the situation?

9.  I accept both each parent’s“why” without argument.  I then offer them my own “why”.  Parents don’t need to agree with my “why”.  But they are able to hear it without needing to prove it wrong.  The parents can consider an alternate hypothesis without feeling defensive.  This helps them to relax and be open to subsequent discussions.

10. No matter what you do The Other will never change.  “Can you change so that you are no longer hooked or dragged into needless conflict?”  “Can you decline the invitations to argue or fight?”  “Can you quit hoping The Other will change and give The Other permission to be the jerk you divorced?”

11.  “I have tried to be nice and he’s still being a jerk.”  “I realized I had to stop renting out space in my head to him.”  “I’m doing this for my peace of mind and for the children, rather than in the hope or expectation he will change.”

12.  What are the pro’s and cons of an alternative custody arrangement?  What are the unique strengths of The Other as a parent?  How much have I spent on litigation so far?  How much am I likely to spend in the future?  Have I received good value for my money?  What does life (holidays, exchanges,birthdays, etc.) look like through my children’s eyes?

13.  Having a win-win attitude.  Being responsible to see that The Other gets every benefit that you get.  Teaching the children to be a good son/daughter to The Other.  Don’t treat the children as commodities bartered in units of time.  Regression to the Mean means things even out over time.

14. “I've come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element in _____________. It's my daily mood that makes the weather. As a _____________, I possess a tremendous power to make ___________'s life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration. I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis will be escalated or de-escalated and another person humanized or de-humanized.”