1. Mary Anne Trotman The MAT Consultancy
Games People Play
Mary Anne Trotman
The MAT Consultancy

2. What is a Game? Repetitive pattern of behaviour
Played out of Adult awareness by 2 or more players
Can be over in minutes or last for years
Played at different degrees
Follows a set pattern
Involves discounting
Involve hidden agenda & unspoken messages beneath overt behaviour
Meets a need for both players

3. Think of a recent situation when…
You and the other person both ended up feeling bad
You ended up saying something like:
Why does this always happen to me?
How did that happen again?
I thought they were different
Typical…
You were surprised or confused by the outcome
It somehow felt familiar
Felt like something happening / being said “between the lines”
How did you feel and think at the end?

4. Critical/Controlling
Ego States A P C
Adult ego-state
Behaviours, thoughts & feelings which are direct responses to the here-and-now
Parent ego-state
Behaviours, thoughts & feelings copied from parental figures
Child ego-state
Behaviours, thoughts & feelings replayed from childhood CP NP A RC AC FC
Adult
Nurturing
Parent
Critical/Controlling
Rebellious
Child
Adapted
Free

5. Transactions
We communicate from one of our ego states to an ego state of the other person (transactions)
Different ego states will give different responses
We can shift between our own, or target specific ego states of another person, to influence the outcome of our communications
We communicate at a social and psychological level
People respond to the psychological level message

6. Social Level Transaction
Transactions A P C A P C
Social Level Transaction
(What’s actually said)
Where are my keys?
On the hall table

7. You’re always moving my stuff!
Transactions A P C A P C
Ulterior Transaction
(Psychological / Unspoken Message)
You’re always moving my stuff!
Where are my keys?
On the hall table
You’re always criticising me!

8. Why we play Games Prospect of meeting mutual needs
Receive recognition / attention (strokes)
A way of passing time
Affirm Life Position – reinforce script beliefs
Avoid intimacy / attempt to gain intimacy
To make people predictable

9. Why Don’t you… Yes But… Oh stop pushing me I’ll do it when I’m ready
Oh now I’ve gone and upset them again
I don’t know what to try next…
Why don’t you ask Jim, he's done it before
Oh Yes but he’s always so busy
Why don’t you do that webinar
Yes but it’s not really specific enough for my problem
Well why don’t you call that coach you met last month
Yes but that will be too expensive

10. Game Formula Structured exchange between 2 or more players
Invitation & Response
Series of parallel (social & ulterior) transactions
Switch (Ego State/Drama Triangle position)
Confusion/Surprise – uncomfortable emotional response
Payoff (reinforce Life Position/Script)

11. Initiator
Responder
Invitation/Response
Ulterior motive for playing
Social Transactions (Ego States)
Ulterior Transactions (Ego States)
Switch
Uncomfortable Emotion
Payoff

12. Initiator
Responder
Invitation/Response
Appears to want help
Offers help/support
Ulterior motive for playing
Wants attention & to justify inactivity
Meets need to help others
Social Transactions (Ego States)
Adult
Ulterior Transactions (Ego States)
Child – Parent
(from helpless Victim-y Child)
Parent – Child
(from Rescuing Parent)
Switch
Switch to CP
Switch to Child
Uncomfortable Emotion
Self-righteous Anger
Deskilled and foolish
Payoff
Confirms belief that they will never succeed
Confirms I’m Not OK position

13. I NEED
HELP
I WANT
ATTENTION

14. You get the Games you “need”…
I must be …
Will attract games that …
Reasonable
Provoke you
Helpful
Deskill you
Strong
Make you feel weak
Perfect
Expose your flaws
Win
Make you fail
Please others
Threaten disapproval

15. The 6 advantages of Games
Biological advantage: gaining attention and stimulation, which are essential for our well being.
Existential advantage: Confirming the life position.
Internal psychological advantage: Defending against internal fears and old unwanted feelings.
External psychological advantage: the avoidance of a feared situation by playing the game.
Internal social advantage: Providing players with pseudo-intimacy.
External social advantage: This is relating to the opportunity to talk with others, outside of the game about the game.

16. Drama Triangle P
Persecutor
Rescuer R
Victim V

17. Games & Discounting P R V I’m OK I’m OK You’re Not OK You’re Not OK
Belittle / Put others down
Discount Other
I’m OK
You’re Not OK
I must help, others not
able to help themselves
Discount Other
I’m Not OK
You’re OK
I can’t cope on my own
Discount Self V

18. Healthy Triangle
Potent
Respond
Vulnerable

19. Recognising & Stepping out of Games
Familiarise yourself with how games work
Who starts them, with whom do you play, what need in you gets hooked…
Stop discounting yourself and others
Don’t blame self / others or do more than your fair share
Share your awareness with the other player
Respond from Adult
“what do you think you will do about it?”

20. Know how Games meet your needs
Identify your need, e.g. I must be reasonable, helpful …
What are we really after?
What is our imagined ideal outcome?
Are we seeking to gain or avoid something?
Are we seeking to confirm some status / image?
What do you want to see happen to other player?
Think your way out
Question flawed assumptions, universal rules, faulty definitions/roles
Act your way out
Take control of your needs rather than let others control them

21. What is a Game?
A process of doing something with an ulterior motive that:
Is outside of Adult awareness
Does not become explicit until the participants switch the way they are behaving
Results in everyone feeling confused, misunderstood and wanting to blame the other person

22. Mary Anne Trotman “
I help businesses & individuals enhance their performance and fulfil their potential by developing their Emotional Intelligence. ”
Mary Anne Trotman
The MAT Consultancy
Contact me :
@MATconsultancy
matconsultancy