1. HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS & RELATIONSHIP VIOLENCE

2. What is a healthy relationship? Achieving a Healthy Relationship  There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. There will be times when partners are angry or defensive but none of this should lead to abuse. There are some key elements of a healthy relationship. Being aware of these elements will help an individual realize when a relationship is unhealthy.

3. The Equality Wheel

4. The Center of the Wheel:  Equality : Equality is the foundation of any healthy relationship.

5. The Equality Wheel  Trust : Trust appropriately. You would trust your life partner more than you would trust a new acquaintance.  Support : Support each other. Encourage others in their goals, activities, and personal growth.  Respect : Respect other people’s boundaries. Learn other people’s boundaries and do not infringe upon them.

6. The Equality Wheel  Responsibility : Share responsibility for maintaining a relationship. Both people in a relationship should be included in making decisions.  Communication : Communicate effectively. Effective communication involves clearly expressing your thoughts and feelings and listening to those of others.  Boundaries : Maintain healthy boundaries. Create a safe and comfortable space to experience relationships by defining and communicating your boundaries to others.

7. The Equality Wheel  Honesty : Be open and honest. It is important for both people in a relationship to be honest about their intentions, feelings, or desires.  Accountability : Be responsible for your own actions. Talk to others to understand how your actions affect them.

8. The Equality Wheel  The Outer Circle of the Wheel: Non-Violence : There is no place for violent acts or behaviours in a healthy relationship. Examples of violent acts or behaviours include yelling, name-calling, minimizing feelings, throwing things, unwanted touching, pushing, hitting, stalking, and forced sex.

9. Key Elements of a Healthy Mature Relationship Respect  Mutual respect means that both parties care for themselves as well as each other. This is evident through respecting each other’s decisions or choices and listening to explanations of why those decisions were made. Caring partners are aware of each other’s boundaries, need for personal space and vulnerabilities. They do not take each other or their relationship for granted. Neither person puts down or denigrates the other. If one person in the relationship changes as a result of what they have shared, the other person does not gloat thinking they have caused the change. People change because they want to. Causing change in a person (e.g., dress style, hair style, group of friends, sexual demands) through manipulation, coercion, and threats are not healthy. Both parties understand that you can’t change one another. Things that need to be changed in a relationship come through effective communication and mutual agreement.

10. Key Elements of a Healthy Mature Relationship Trust  Trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship. One of the most destructive things in a relationship is jealousy that runs out of control. A certain degree of jealousy is an important element of a healthy relationship. However when jealousy enters a relationship it should be proportionate to the experience. There should be no lying, manipulation or secrets. There should be a sense of companionship and caring. There is always room for other friends with little fear that other friendships will minimize the dating relationship.  Both parties will find they want to share themselves because they trust their partner to be as careful with their feelings as they are with their own. Trust levels and the degree to which a couple is willing to share their experiences take time to develop. As the relationship grows, so should the level of trust.

11. Key Elements of a Healthy Mature Relationship Consensual Enjoyable Intimacy  The sexual experience in a relationship should be equitable, mutually agreed upon and enjoyed. Both parties should feel free to express their needs and boundaries and have them respected, so that one person does not end up feeling like they have to give in to the other. If one person does not want to be sexually active, their wishes must be respected.  In healthy relationships problems and issues related to sexual dissatisfaction are openly communicated without fear.

12. Key Elements of a Healthy Mature Relationship Support  Individuals in healthy relationships provide comfort and empathy to one another. They lend a shoulder and listen attentively to what their partner is saying, as well as the things they are not saying. There is no attempt to try to fix or change the other person. They accept one another for the person that they are (e.g., idiosyncrasies). They listen to each other and don’t spend time trying to fix the other person. Conflict is a normal part of every relationship. When conflict finds itself in a relationship (a normal part of every relationship) truly loving couples do not make attempts to lower their partner’s self-esteem. They care about each other and support them during good times and bad (e.g., career promotions, job loss, family death). Healthy relationships are give and take situations, not one-way streets. Couples in healthy relationships are committed to bringing out the best in each other and have the other’s best interests at heart.

13. Key Elements of a Healthy Mature Relationship Easygoing  The overall tone of the relationship is relaxed. Both parties can laugh at themselves without humour being at the other person’s expense. Both parties will feel comfortable communicating their thoughts, feelings, likes, dislikes and ideas (e.g., where to go on a date, world issues). Healthy relationships are void of physical aggression or threats of physical aggression. There is a sense of relaxation both when you are with your partner or apart.

14. Key Elements of a Healthy Mature Relationship Fair Fighting  Arguments, disagreements and issues are a part of every relationship. Conflict does not mean that the relationship has gone sour. In fact, healthy couples argue because:  they feel comfortable communicating their feelings and are not afraid that the relationship will end with each argument  there is a sense of security because they know they can share their feelings openly  they care about one another and they do not want things to build up and fester

15. FEVER PITCH

16. Healthy Relationships – Fever Pitch  1. Ben is fanatical about baseball and Lindsey is driven by her work. Is one passion considered more socially acceptable than the other? Why do you think so?  2. Every successful relationship needs a healthy mix of couple and individual interests. How do Ben and Lindsey resolve their differences?  3. In what way do they compromise their own interests?  4. Do you think both of them made equal concessions for the other? Explain.

17. Break the Silence Video Watch the following video and answer the questions below:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gb1COaYW_rc http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gb1COaYW_rc 1) Why is being a teenager a difficult time? 2) What are the different forms of dating abuse? 3) What other problems do abuse teenagers also often have? 4) What are some key warning signs for teens at risk of abuse? 5) What solutions were provided to deal with dating abuse?

18. Indicators and Interventions Indicators of Violence:  something that demonstrates that some form of violence is occurring (e.g., yelling, bruises, put downs, etc.) Intervention Strategies:  how to deal with the violence (e.g., counselling, hotlines, videos, doctors, police, etc.)

19. Types of Violence/Abuse Relationship Violence Sexual  rape Verbal  put-downs Physical  homicide, slapping Emotional  mental, bullying, neglect

20. Types of Violence/Abuse Harassment Sexual  sexual comments, touching Physical  stalking Verbal  put-downs, name calling Emotional  criticizing, belittling

21. Types of Violence/Abuse Physical  territorial, gangs, prejudices Emotional  racial, cultural, religious Verbal  yelling, swearing

22. Types of Violence/Abuse Random Act  Destructive/ no reason  Vandalism Personal  Physical  mutilation, suicide  Emotional  negative self talk

23. Personal Opinion Survey on Relationship Violence  Rate the following statements with either of the below terms: Strongly Agree Agree Neutral Disagree Strongly Disagree 1. Assaulted people could just leave their partner if they really wanted to. 2. Some people provoke assaults and deserve the violence that they experience. 3. Racism and/or poverty cause violence. 4. Alcohol causes family violence. 5. As long as children are not abused, they are not affected by witnessing violence in the home. 6. Abusers are mentally ill. 7. Bad childhood experiences cause people to become abusers. 8. Violence against women is not a widespread problem. 9. Assaulted people readily report the incident to the police to ensure future protection.

24. Causes of Relationship Violence  Controlling Personality  a person’s belief that they have the right to control another  a person’s need to obtain/maintain power and control over another person  the controller’s behaviour can be a product of culture (e.g., their perception/interpretation of cultural norms)

25. Causes of Relationship Violence  Sex Role Stereotyping  a belief that men and women have distinct roles related to gender (e.g., men have a decision-making role and that women are to be cared for)  direct and indirect messages given to boys and young men about what it means to be male (dominant, aggressive) contribute to creating a mindset which is accepting of sexually aggressive behaviour  direct and indirect messages given to girls and young women about what it means to be female (e.g., roles in relationships, pressure to conform)

26. Causes of Relationship Violence  “buying into stereotypical attitudes regarding sex roles tends to be associated with justification of intercourse under any circumstances” ( Perspectives on Acquaintance Rape, 2000)  strong belief in “dominance” as a sexual motive, hostile attitudes towards women, condoning the use of force in sexual relationships  violence can be perpetuated by historical and cultural acceptance of patriarchal values and inequities.

27. Causes of Relationship Violence  Subservience/Passive Response  a belief in “traditional” views of men occupying a position of dominance at any price can impact the relationship  passive response can affect whether assistance is sought for relationship violence  this does not cause violence, in fact many religions propose traditional male-female roles

28. Causes of Relationship Violence  Alcohol and Drug Use  drinking alcohol or taking drugs is associated with acquaintance rape  51% of all incidents of dating violence reported by Canadian women, the perpetrator was under the influence of alcohol (Johnson, 1996, pg.128)

29. Causes of Relationship Violence Parental Abuse/Neglect  past parental abuse/neglect in early life may perpetuate violent behaviour. Past abuse/neglect does not cause violence but may be associated with violent behaviour. Lack of Awareness  inappropriate social interaction (e.g., the person is not aware that their behaviour is inappropriate) can be linked to relationship violence

30. Characteristics of violent relationships Power and Control  The following outlines characteristics of a relationship based on power and control.  The concepts addressed are key to understanding what happens in abusive relationships, thereby providing you with the insight on what to avoid.

31. Characteristics of violent relationships Using Emotional Abuse  putting partner down  making partner fee bad about him/herself  calling partner names  making partner think he/she is crazy  playing mind games  humiliating partner  making partner feel guilty

32. Characteristics of violent relationships Using Isolation  controlling what partner does, who he/she sees and talks to, what he/she reads, where he/she goes  limiting partner’s outside involvement  using jealousy to justify actions

33. Characteristics of violent relationships Minimizing, Denying and Blaming  making light of the abuse and not taking partner’s concerns about it seriously  saying the abuse did not happen  shifting responsibility for abusive behaviour  saying partner caused it

34. Characteristics of violent relationships Using Coercion and Threats.  making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt partner  threatening to leave partner, to commit suicide, to report him/her to welfare  making partner drop charges  making partner do illegal drugs

35. Characteristics of violent relationships Using Intimidation  making partner afraid by using looks, actions, gestures  smashing things  destroying partner’s property  abusing pets  displaying weapons

36. MEDIANET ONLINE STREAMING  Abusive relationships : get help, get out (733726,SV) IS 2006 SV Abusive relationships : get help, get out (733726,SV) IS 2006

37. Love you to Death Trailer Watch the following video and answer the questions below – Please note that there are some graphic images – please refrain from viewing if you feel uncomfortable: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6lMc1CoEgM 1. What are three pieces of advice that you could offer to someone in an abusive relationship after viewing this clip?

38. RELATIONSHIP VIOLENCE TASK Product:  Write a brief paper providing your analysis of solutions and strategies for preventing and eliminating relationship violence. Process: Review notes from class to determine what background information you have acquired. Research additional information through the school/community library, public health department, community support groups/organizations and Internet. Consider providing information in your paper on the following:  What is a healthy relationship?  What is relationship violence?  How can one be prepared for situations of potential violence in a relationship?  What are some practical strategies to deal with relationship violence?  Where can one go for support and information on violence issues?

39. Support and Information related to Violence Where can one go for support and information related to violence issues? Sexual Assault Support and Information  Talk to family, friends, teachers, counsellors or another trusted person.  Get medical assistance from family doctor, a clinic or hospital. Sexual Assault Care Centres are located in hospitals and offer specialized care for sexual assault survivors.  Contact a sexual assault or women’s crisis centre or a local 24-hour crisis line.  These places will be listed in the front pages of the local telephone book and are staffed by people who provide a number of important services: non-judgemental crisis counselling (both in person and on the phone), referrals, court support, and advocacy.  Contact the police. Some people are reluctant to deal with the police because they fear not being believed and potential police insensitivity to sexual assault survivors’ needs. It is important that victims have accurate information about accessing the legal system.  It is important that sexual assault victims get support from someone they trust, whether or not they choose to report the assault. Supporters can provide them with the emotional support and help if they choose to access the legal system.