1. Tired of Arguing With Your Teen? Parenting for Cooperation & Connection March 5, 2013 Lisa Weir, M.Ed. Parent & Family Educator Schools of Eastern Carver County weirli@district112.org

2.  Understand the significant changes and challenges of typical adolescent development.  Learn effective parenting strategies that:  build connection with your teen  increase cooperation  reduce conflict Today’s Objectives:

3. 1.Review Adolescent Development 2.3C’s of Cooperation: Connection, Communication, Conflict 3.Methods that promote cooperation 4.Questions Agenda

4.  Individually, answer the Adolescent Development True/False Quiz. Let’s Test Our Knowledge

5.  It is the transition time between childhood and adulthood.  Adolescence begins in puberty and ends when the pre-frontal cortex is fully developed (approx. 24 yrs.) Adolescence: What is it?

6.  Psychosocial Development  Physical Development  Cognitive Development  Brain Development Adolescent Changes

7. What emotion is this woman experiencing? “Adults use the rational part of the brain to read emotions, adolescents do it with a gut reaction. And they are frequently wrong.” Dr. David Walsh

8.  Connectedness  Communication  Conflict Increasing Cooperation: The 3-C’s

9. Parents build relationship and connection with their teens by:  Understanding adolescent development.  Encouraging autonomy/independence development.  Finding support when needed.  Providing positive reinforcement.  Provide basic physiological needs.  Building and maintaining trust.  Demonstrating love, care and affection.  Sharing in activities. Use them as way to talk with kids not at them.  Prevent, negotiate and resolve conflicts.  Establish and maintain boundaries and structure. Connectedness “Control is not the key, connection is.” Dr. David Walsh

10. 1.Use “I” messages. 2.Avoid starting statements with “No, Don’t, Stop, You, and Why”. 3.Thoughtfully answer questions and requests. 4.Listen more, talk less. Use “hmmm, oh” or a nod. 5.Avoid lectures, say it in a word. Communication: The Key to Cooperation & Connectedness

11. 6.Use activities to invite conversation. 7.Be willing to end unproductive or escalating discussions. 8.Apologize when you make a mistake. 9.Remember your teen’s self image is fragile. 10.Acknowledge and validate feelings, not bad behavior. 11.Everything can’t be a big deal. Pick your battles! Communication: The Key to Cooperation & Connectedness

12. Is It a Battle Worth Fighting?  Is my teen’s health or safety at risk?  Is this a deeply held value?  Is my teen’s behavior violating an established household rule?  Do the benefits to my teen outweigh the negatives?  If the answer is “no”, it’s not worth it.

13.  Set a few consistent house rules/ground rules.  State your expectations clearly, clarify consequences, follow-through.  Use collaborative problem solving to resolve conflicts.  View conflict as an opportunity for greater connection.  Recognize and reward behavior that meets your expectations with additional privileges and freedoms.  Stay calm. Model self-control. Avoid overreactions. Walk away if necessary.  Make sure your teen knows you are always in his/her court. Conflict “Conflict is inevitable, suffering is optional.” Unknown

14. Discourages CooperationPromotes Cooperation  Giving ordersDescribe the problem.  AttackingDescribe what you feel.  BlamingGive information.  Threats or ordersOffer a choice.  Long lecturesSay it in a word.  Pointing out what’s wrong State your values/expectations.  Angry reprimandsDo the unexpected.  NaggingPut it in writing. Cooperation Methods: “How To Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk” Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish

15. 1.State your expectations. 2.Explain clearly what you require. 3.Clarify consequences for non-compliance. 4.Confirm understanding. 5.Obtain agreement. 6.Offer a reminder. 7.Make it easy to remember. 8. Let go. 9. Follow through on consequences. 10.Positive Reinforcement Cooperation Methods: The 10 Step Plan

16. Many teens are motivated by: 1.Increased autonomy (i.e. time with friends) 2.Increased independence (i.e. decision making) 3.Ability to influence their own behavior expectations and consequences (i.e. curfew, when to do chores) 4.Clear boundaries and consequences (natural and logical) 5.Collaborative problem solving with parents 6.Personal goals and dreams 7.Gaining freedom (i.e. taking a trip with friends) 8.Gaining/losing privileges (i.e. driving) 9.Gaining/losing possessions (i.e. electronics) 10.Maintaining a positive relationship with parents Motivation for Cooperation: What motivates your teen?

17. To summarize, our chances of success greatly increase when we:  Understand where our teens are developmentally.  Have clear and reasonable expectations and respond appropriately.  Seek to foster a positive relationship through connection, communication and healthy conflict. We teach personal responsibility to prepare our teens to become self-sufficient and independent adults someday, not to exert our control.

18. “The minute you dig in your heels, you’ve lost ground. “ C. Leslie Charles Resources: Why Do They Act That Way, Dr. David Walsh, Ph.D. How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk Will Talk, Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish Adolescence, Lawrence Steinberg, Ph.D. (8 th Edition, 2007) The Teen Years Explained, Johns-Hopkins University, 2009 www.parentfurther.com www.understandingteenagers.com Lisa Weir, M.Ed., Parent & Family Educator Schools of Eastern Carver County weirli@district112.org weirli@district112.org 952-556-7205 A Final Thought….