1. SMART RELATIONSHIPS

2. What we’ll talk about How you want to be treated by your boyfriend or girlfriend. How you want to treat your boyfriend or girlfriend. How to know if you are in a abusive dating relationship. How to help your friends when they have problems. How to prevent sexual assault.

3. Rules for our time together Please don’t share any personal information you hear from other students in the group. Do NOT use names when telling a story.

4. Part 1: Defining Caring Relationships By the end of this part, you will be able to: Describe how you want to be treated by a dating partner. Describe how you want to treat a dating partner.

5. What is “dating”? Dating means different things to different people. How do YOU define dating? What are some examples of dating?

6. Dating BINGO Circle the five boxes on your card that describe the qualities that are most important to YOU. Take your card with you and find someone who circled one of the same qualities. Have him or her sign the box. Find a different person for each box you circled. When you get five different signatures, yell “Bingo!” and YOU WIN!

7. How I want to be treated… Write the two MOST important ways you want to be treated by a dating partner on the back page of Dating Bingo. Write five other ways underneath. Remember, YOU have some power and control over how you are treated. What should you do if you’re not being treated right?

8. How I want to treat my partner… YOU decide how you act toward your boyfriend or girlfriend. The choices YOU make help set the tone for the relationship. Look at your answers for this handout and the last one. How many of your choices are on both lists?

9. Part 2: Defining Dating Abuse By the end of this part, you will be able to: Identify harmful dating behaviors. Recognize the signs of physical abuse. Recognize the signs of emotional abuse.

10. Brainstorm! Name things people do in dating relationships that are harmful. Include both physical and emotional abuse.

11. Why people abuse… Scenario 1: Sara and Michael How does Michael want Sara to act? Why? How does he get her to act this way? What would you have done if you were Sarah?

12. Sarah & Michael Michael is trying to control Sarah. Both people in the relationship should have equal control. It is not OK to try and embarrass your boyfriend or girlfriend in front of others.

13. Why people abuse… Scenario 2: Cassie and Mario How does Mario want Cassie to feel? Why does he want her to feel this way? How does he get her to feel this way?

14. Cassie & Mario: Breaking it down Mario is being abusive by controlling the way Cassie feels. It’s OK to offer advice, but it’s not OK to control your partner’s personal decisions. Sometimes the put-downs can be uglier: “You’re stupid,” “You’re fat,” etc. Mario says, “I love you so much.” Does he?

15. Why people abuse Scenario 3: Allison and Joe How does Allison want Joe to feel and think? Why does she want him to feel and think this way? How does she get him to feel and think this way?

16. Allison & Joe: Breaking it down Allison is being abusive by trying to control the way Joe thinks. Allison is being manipulative. If Joe leaves the relationship and Allison hurts herself, whose fault is it?

17. Effects of dating abuse  It can hurt physically or emotionally.  It isolates you from your family and friends.  It makes you feel bad about yourself.  It makes you feel afraid of your boyfriend or girlfriend.  It makes you feel trapped, like you can’t make your own decisions.

18. Brainstorm! Thinking back on all the scenarios we’ve discussed today, what are the “red flags” that someone is in an abusive dating relationship?

19. Brainstorm! Thinking back on all the scenarios we’ve discussed today, what are the “red flags” that someone is abusing their partner in a dating relationship?

20. Facts about dating abuse 30% of teens worry about their personal physical safety in a relationship. One in three teens know a friend who has been hit, punched, kicked, slapped, choked or physically hurt by a dating partner. Only one in three teens in an abusive relationship have ever told anyone about the abuse. Adults who are violent with their partners often begin doing so as teens, with the first episode occurring by age 15.

21. More facts about dating abuse Nearly half of the worst incidents occur at school. About half of girls know a friend or peer who has been pressured into having sex. 60% of all reported rapes involve acquaintances. Young women between 14 and 17 represent 38% of those victimized by date rape.

22. More key concepts… Dating abuse happens to males and females.Girls can be abusers, too. Dating abuse happens to all kinds of teens, regardless of race, income level or ethnic group. Abusers can be very charming at first. Once abuse happens in a relationship, it can happen again. It won’t go away just because you ignore it.

23. Now What? How to help your friends when they have problems. Learn ways to avoid becoming a victim or a perpetrator of sexual assault.

24. How to help a friend In this part, you will: Explore why people have difficulty leaving abusive dating relationships. Find out how hard it can be for a friend in an abusive relationship to reach out for help. Learn ways to support a friend in an abusive relationship. Find out about resources to help teens in abusive relationships.

25. “Stay or go?” Activity People often go back and forth about relationships, trying to decide whether to stay or go. Pretend you are Josè. At each pause in the story, move to one side of the room or the other to show whether you would ‘stay’ or ‘go’. STAYGO

26. Breaking it down… By the end of the story, how many of you wanted to stay? Why do some people stay in abusive relationships? Abusive relationships can be very complicated. A good friend tries to understand and doesn’t judge someone just because they don’t leave.

27. Brainstorm! Why do you think it would be difficult to tell someone about abuse or violence in a dating relationship?

28. How to help a friend Don’t Gossip Believe the Story She or He Didn’t Deserve It Let Your Friend Make His or Her Own Decisions Make a Safety Plan Give Help It’s not cool to break your friend’s trust. Do tell a trusted adult if your friend is in immediate danger.

29. How to help a friend Believe the Story She or He Didn’t Deserve It Let Your Friend Make His or Her Own Decisions Make a Safety Plan Give Help Don’t Gossip Listen carefully. Let your friend know you believe her or him. Let your friend know she or he isn’t alone.

30. How to help a friend Be sure to say this to your friend. Remember, no one deserves abuse. She or He Didn’t Deserve It Let Your Friend Make His or Her Own Decisions Make a Safety Plan Give Help Don’t Gossip Believe the Story

31. How to help a friend Respect your friend’s right to make decisions. Recognize your friend must be ready before taking a difficult step. ASK: “What are you going to do?” and “What do you think will happen?” Let Your Friend Make His or Her Own Decisions Make a Safety Plan Give Help Don’t Gossip Believe the Story She or He Didn’t Deserve It

32. How to help a friend Ask questions to find out how serious the situation is. Find out what your friend plans to do to stay safe. If your friend is in immediate danger, tell a responsible adult. Make a Safety Plan Give Help Don’t Gossip Believe the Story She or He Didn’t Deserve It Let Your Friend Make His or Her Own Decisions

33. How to help a friend “I’ll be there for you.” “Let me know how things turn out.” Encourage your friend get help if needed. Give Help Don’t Gossip Believe the Story She or He Didn’t Deserve It Let Your Friend Make His or Her Own Decisions Make a Safety Plan

34. “But he (or she) loves me!” ASK: “Are you being treated in a loving way?” Love IS as love DOES! Love is not supposed to hurt!

35. Resources & Help If you or a friend is in an abusive relationship you can talk to: – A parent, A teacher, School Counselor and/or a Pastor – Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network 1-800-656-HOPE – Oasis http://oasisinc.org/ Office: (828)264-1532 Mon.-Fri. 8am-5pm Watauga County 24 hour Crisis Line (828) 262-5035

36. ONLINE RESOURCES www.LOVEISRESPECT.ORG For textual harassment: www.thatsnotcool.com

37. Preventing Sexual Assault Learn the definition of sexual assault. Find out myths and facts of sexual assault. Confront attitudes that blame victims for rape and sexual assault. Find out how to identify and interpret “no” cues correctly. Learn dating tips to decrease your chances of being a victim or a perpetrator.

38. Defining sexual assault Sexual assault is forced sexual activity with a person without his or her consent. Sexual activity includes any kind of sexual behavior, even kissing. Any way you force someone to engage in sexual activity is wrong: teasing, nagging, threats, and physical force.

39. 2012 FBI definition of Rape: “The penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.”

40. Teens are at risk! Teens between 15 and 19 are the most likely to be raped or experience sexual assault. Acquaintances---not strangers---commit most of these assaults and rapes. One in four girls and one in six boys are sexually assaulted before they reach adulthood.

41. Myths about sexual assault MYTH: You can tell a rapist just by looking at him. FACT: Most rapists appear well adjusted on the outside. They may even be well liked and popular people.

42. Myths about sexual assault MYTH: Sexual assault occurs because people cannot control their wild and spontaneous passions. FACT: Sexual assault is an act of violence. Raging hormones don’t cause rapes.

43. Myths about sexual assault MYTH: Girls who resist rape are likely to get badly hurt. FACT: Women who resist are most likely to get away and least likely to be injured. 75 to 80% of women who immediately and actively resist avoid being raped.

44. Myths about sexual assault MYTH: Victims who don’t resist rape have it coming to them. FACT: Rape is a crime whether the victim physically resists or not. Sexual assault is NEVER the victim’s fault! In any attack, do what you have to do to survive.

45. Myths about sexual assault MYTH: Forced sex isn’t a crime if the couple has had consensual sex before. FACT: Forced sexual activity is a crime no matter what!

46. MYTH OR FACT? Every two minutes, someone is sexually assaulted in America.

47. MYTH OR FACT? Women often lie about being raped.

48. MYTH OR FACT? Men can be victims of rape.

49. MYTH OR FACT? Women are raped when they are out alone at night, primarily in dark alleys, so if women stay at home they’ll be safe.

50. MYTH OR FACT If it can be proven that the girl was drunk, her boyfriend cannot be convicted of rape.

51. MYTH OR FACT? The majority of persons convicted or rape are members of a minority group.

52. The story of Lisa and Matt

53. Breaking it down… What tactics did Matt use to force Lisa to have sex? What were the cues that Lisa didn’t want to have sex? Do you think Lisa would say that forced sex occurred? Would Matt?

54. What do YOU think? 1. When a girl dresses in tight, sexy clothing for a date, it’s a sign she wants to have sex.

55. What do YOU think? 2. When a girl has had sex with other guys in the past, her boyfriend has the right to expect that she’ll have sex with him.

56. What do YOU think? 3. When a girl freezes when a guy tries to have sex with her, he can keep going until she says “no”.

57. What do YOU think? 4. Girls resist sometimes because they don’t want their boyfriends to think badly of them. Resisting doesn’t mean they want to stop.

58. What do YOU think? 5. When a girl goes in a bedroom with a boy, it means she wants to have sex with him.

59. Sexual Assault Risk Reduction and Seeking Help

60. The Law in North Carolina In North Carolina, the age of consent is 16.

61. Sexual Assault Risk Reduction Avoid Dangerous Situations – Plan ahead Always let someone know where you are, where you are going, and when you expect to return. Arrange to have someone available to help you in case of an emergency. Taking a cell phone to a party is a good idea. – Be aware of your surroundings Avoid isolated areas.

62. Sexual Assault Risk Reduction Social Situations Social Situations – When you go to a party, go with a group of friends. Check in with each other during and after the party. – Use the “buddy system.” Don’t be afraid to let a friend know if someone is making you feel uncomfortable. – Be a good friend to your “buddy” at a party. Keep an eye on him or her.

63. Sexual Assault Risk Reduction If someone is pressuring you: If someone is pressuring you: – Stay true to your code of conduct. – Lie. If you are worried about hurting someone’s feelings, it is better to make up a lie and leave than to stay in an uncomfortable situation. – Think of an escape route. Look for exits, doors, windows. Are there people around who can help you? – Take action. Speak out. Shout “NO” or “FIRE!” (It brings people running.) – Kick, scream, or bite if you have to.

64. Sexual Assault Risk Reduction Trust your own instincts! Trust your own instincts!

65. Sexual Assault Seeking Help What to do if you have been sexually assaulted. What to do if you have been sexually assaulted. – Get away from the assailant – find a safe place. – Dial 911. – Call a friend or family member you can trust. Hot lines for help: Hot lines for help: – National Assault Hotline at 800-656-HOPE (4673). This is a service of the RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network).

66. Sexual Assault Seeking Help Reporting the assault – It is the choice of the victim whether or not to report sexual assault. – Why is it a good idea to report sexual assault? – Immediate medical attention may be needed including testing for STDs and prevention of pregnancy. – Sexual assault is a serious issue. There are trained professionals who can help the victim deal with many of the feelings he/she has not only immediately after the assault, but for a period after the assault. – The assailant may repeat this crime if not made to pay a consequence.

67. Sexual Assault Seeking Help Reporting the assault: – To the police, everything is evidence. – DO NOT: Shower or bathe Throw away any clothes that were worn at time of the assault Brush or comb hair Use the restroom Brush teeth or gargle Put on makeup Eat or drink anything Clean up the crime scene

68. If you need help… Your parents Your school counselor School Resource Officer Oasis in Boone National Sexual Assault Hotline: (866) 656-HOPE / 656-4673 Live chat: www.rainn.org Law Enforcement: 911 www.NCCASA.net is a website that lists the rape crisis centers for each county (North Carolina Coalition Against Sexual Assault). www.NCCASA.net is a website that lists the rape crisis centers for each county (North Carolina Coalition Against Sexual Assault). www.NCCASA.net