1. AUGUST9-10.2016 National Infantry Museum 1775 Legacy Way Columbus, GA

2. Dr. Josh Straub

3. iContact vs. Eye Contact The Advantages of a Screen-Balanced Family

5. iContact vs. Eye Contact  iContact, when respected, can be used to build new and stronger connections with others  When not respected, iContact is equally as destructive and disconnecting  There is no substitution for face-to-face eye contact on brain and relationship development

6. iContact vs. Eye Contact  iContact is for broadening connections; Eye contact is for deepening connections  Empathy, or ability to feel connected to another’s pain, is developed through eye contact  Self-centeredness, on the other hand, is more easily developed through iContact 

7. The Screen-Balanced Family: Digital Workbook 1. Go to: www.joshuastraub.com/r esources www.joshuastraub.com/r esources 2. Click Screen-Balanced Family Digital Workbook 3. Enter promo code: fortbenning2016 Josh@joshuastraub.com

8. R.E.L.A.T.E R espect E motional Control L imits A ssertiveness T rain the Brain E mpathy

9. Respect  The Technology  Your Kids  Know your cell phone and what it can do (GPS locaters)  Become digitally savvy and know what Mill/ Gen Z are doing online  Keep abreast to new technologies (Verizon “family locater” builds a geo-fence)  Relationally…don’t judge your kids/ teens…respect means… seek the underlying motivation behind their behavior. Golden Rule…

10. H. L. Mencken "Morality is doing what's right no matter what you're told. Obedience is doing what you're told no matter what's right."

11. Emotional Control  LOL vs. hearing people laugh (mirror neurons)  Blocks negative emotional responses which creates illusion we’re doing no harm.  Don't say anything on email you'd feel uncomfortable saying to someone in person  Don’t delay responses to messages you want to avoid  Be careful what you say (non-verbal communication is 93% / actual words 7%)  Be mindful of emotions and reactions  Do not compare to others

12. Limits  Model. E-Nup  Set texting hours on teens’ cellphone  Put computer in family room  Set boundaries on time spent on social networks and in front of screens -No phones or screens after 8pm -Sunday fast day -No phone until after morning devotions / quiet time -Only check at certain times and for certain periods throughout day

13. No technology at meals Ask questions. Talk about day. Tell family stories.

14. 20 minutes of command-free time (even if it’s video games)

15. Allow your kids to be bored

16. Limits It takes 28 days to a habit…the investment is worth it.

17. Assertiveness  Based on Respect…speak your feelings without judging another.  Teach them the consequences of their actions (legally, occupationally, etc.)  Be assertive in your homes. As long as teens live under your roof they play by your rules.  Assert yourself as a mentor and advocate

18. Train the Brain  Play board games, motor-skill mentoring, teach them hands-on, fishing, hunting, hiking, outdoor leadership  Exercise together  Read books together (not e-books)  Pray and meditate  Relaxation techniques  Sequential tasking

19. Empathy  Be safe  Doing empathy; more than having it  Maintain healthy balance of online and offline relationships  Build real life network of contacts  Balance time with family and on internet and keep them separate

20. Joshua Straub, PhD ©2013    (Taming)(Numbing)(Wandering) Technology Gaming Social Media Multitasking

21. http://youtu.be/0Ejh_hb15Fc

22. References Carr, N. (2011). The shallows: What the internet is doing to our brains. New York, NY: W. W. Norton. Gurian, M. (2009). The purpose of boys: Helping our sons find meaning, significance, and direction in their lives. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass. Hart, A. & Frejd Hart, S. (2013). The digital invasion: How technology is shaping you and your relationships. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books. Small, G. & Vorgan, G. (2009). iBrain: Surviving the technological alteration of the modern mind. William Morrow. Turkle, S. (2012). Alone together: Why we expect more from technology and less from each other. New York, NY: Basic Books.

23. AUGUST9-10.2016 National Infantry Museum 1775 Legacy Way Columbus, GA

24. Building a Safe House: Using the Science of Emotional Safety to Raise Kids Who Live, Love, and Lead Well Dr. Joshua Straub

25. Attachment Theory  How relationships shape our brains ability to regulate emotion and learn to participate in close, intimate relationships  Emotion regulation is the ability to tolerate and manage strong negative emotions and to experience the wide range of positive emotions as well  Key question: “Is this world I’m living in a safe or dangerous place?

26. Secure Base Self-Confidence/Exploration Perceived Threat Felt security Attachment System Signaling Proximity Seeking Safe Haven Caregiver’s Signal detection

27. Secure Base Effects  Repeated secure-base interactions create internalized models of relationships that are carried forward to new relationship experience experiences  What to expect  How to behave

28. The Pyramid Self-Control Self Control Problem Solving Cognitive Flexibility Language Processing/Mindsight Social Skills Emotion Regulation

29. Emotional Safety is related to: children’s academic scores behaviors brain development social skills problem solving skills relationship formation adult relationship satisfaction healthy identity formation self-esteem athletic and extracurricular success a sense of morality established values and a faith that sticks.

30. Daniel Siegel and Tina Bryson “Our relationship with our kids should be central to everything we do. Whether we’re playing with them, talking with them, laughing with them, or, yes, disciplining them, we want them to experience at a deep level the full force of our love and affection, whether we’re acknowledging an act of kindness or addressing a misbehavior.”

32. Safe Relationship = Love – Fear 

33. “In attachment, we need to be open to our child, feeling that safety in ourselves and creating the sense of ‘love without fear’ in our child.”

34. Brene Brown, Ph.D.  “Who we are and how we engage with the world are much stronger predictors of how our children will do then what we know about parenting.”

35. Brene Brown, Ph.D. “…the question isn’t so much ‘Are you parenting the right way?’ as it is: ‘Are you the adult that you want your child to grow up to be?’”

41. Being Mindful  When interacting with another person, you have the ability to monitor how you are feeling and how the other person is feeling  You know what you are trying to accomplish in the interaction  You can monitor how your behavior is affecting the other person  You can see how other person is affecting you

42. 1. 20 Minutes Of unstructured, command-free play time each day

43. 2. Know your own Story  Journal  Safe friends  Professional counseling  Write letters  Forgiveness vs Reconciliation

44. 3. Would you wish your marriage on your kids?

45. 4. Practice forgiveness Be specific about offense Describe how you’ll make it right Just 2/ 5 times

46. 5. Create more fun and laughter Roughhousing, eating dirt, singing and dancing with your kids…and spouse If your kids ask to do something, before saying no, ask “why not?” If you can’t come up with a legitimate answer, let the memory unfold.

47. 6. Discipline Allow it to be the felt distance of the relationship Keep it as natural as possible Don’t rescue Turn to play where possible; stay positive Be consistent Be clear of the rules Follow through!

48. 7. No technology at any meals Talk about the day Ask questions Tell stories about your family history They need to know they’re part of a bigger story

49. 8. Value their emotion Ask them to use feeling words Use feeling words with them

50. 9. Read / Tell Stories Upon waking up Eating together Drive time Bedtime

51. 10. Pray together often Pray for them Pray with them Keep prayer journals

52. Three Pathways Compliance Interaction Grace Pathway Truth Pathway Safe House Pathway

53. Collaborative Problem Solving  E—Empathy  A—Assert  R—Respect -----------------------------  I—Invite  C—Collaboration

54. Empathy  Listening and understanding child concerns  Helping child articulate concerns what the concern  Taking concerns seriously  Empathy is a reciprocal process, so you may try to empathize but if the child does not believe you understand then you have not empathized

55. Assert  Define problem, expressing concern or expectation  Don’t mistake your solutions for concerns or expectation  Appeal to rules as important principles to follow

56. Respect  Work at monitoring and managing your own emotion regulation—if too upset, go to Grace  Non-contingent respect  Never use disrespect as a form of punishment  Avoid global, negative attributions  Remain warm—avoid triggering CER’s

57. Invite  Asking child to generate possible solutions  Avoid forcing solutions  Think out loud

58. Collaboration  Working with child to come up with workable solutions  Help child use foresight and hindsight  Model flexibility  Model regulation  Model respect  Maintain warmth

59. Qualities of Good Solutions  When to use Truth  When to use Grace  Different kinds of Grace, some are better than others  Two kinds of Safe House  Emergence  Proactive—timing is everything

60. Moments of Connection  Turning conflict into learning

61. AUGUST9-10.2016 National Infantry Museum 1775 Legacy Way Columbus, GA