1. Strengthening Relationships – Unit #7 – Are You Ready to Be in a Long Term Committed Relationship?

2. True or False Activity
Complete this with activity with the class. Keep this handout and as we continue to learn about Engagement check your answers.

3. Engagement:
The traditional “engagement” period as we know it in western culture began in 1215 when Pope Innocent III issued a declaration that “marriages are to be…announced publicly in the churches by the priests during a suitable and fixed time, so that if legitimate impediments exist, they may be known.” As a result, engagement essentially became a ‘trial marriage’ were couples began to spend large amounts of time with one another prior to the wedding.

4. What does Engagement Mean?
Engagement is a pledge to marry ; a verbal contract

5. What is the purpose of the engagement period?
a. It serves as an announcement to family, friends, and society of a couple’s intention to marry. b. It gives the couple time to plan the wedding ceremony. c. It is testing period during which the couple can evaluate their relationship and make plans for their future.

6. What is a dowry? In earlier times, the father of the bride-to-be (fiancée) and the groom- to-be (fiancé) negotiated what the fiancée was to receive from her father in exchange for the fiancé marrying the daughter. This may have been land, animals, or a share in the family business. Although dowries are rare today, the promise of a dowry by the bride’s father or a gift by others is not a binding contract unless in writing and under seal.

7. History of the engagement ring
The tradition of offering a ring to a prospective bride as a token of fidelity and loyalty has been around for a long time.
The ancient Egyptians, who viewed circles as a symbol of eternity, gave rings to symbolize a close, “eternal” relationship that could include close friends.
The Romans included a small key to signify the unlocking of the husband’s wealth.
The custom fell out of fashion in the Middle Ages and was not revived until the 13th century when thimbles were given instead of a ring.
Some women cut the bottom out of their thimbles and the engagement ring tradition found its way back into popular use.

8. 100 Years of Engagement Rings

9. Are People Still Getting Married These Days?
Not surprisingly the number of married couple families has decreased over the last 50 years. - According to Statistics Canada, in 1961, married couples accounted for 91.6% of census families. By 2011, this proportion had declined to 67%. This decrease was mostly a result of the growth of common-law couples. While the number of married couples rose only 19.7% over the 30 year period between 1981 and 2001, the number of common-law couples more than quadrupled (+345.2%). - Despite a growing population overall, the number of married couples declined, by 132,715 over the past decade. - Same-sex couples were also on a steep incline, up 42.4% from About half these couples were married, while the rest were common-law. Still, same-sex couples only made up 0.8% of all couples in According to Employment and Social Development Canada, Canadians who marry do so at an older age than ever before. Between 1972 and 2008, the average age at first marriage increased from 22.5 to 29.1 for women and from 24.9 to 31-1 for men.

10. Long Term Committed Relationships/Marriage
Whether people choose to marry or live together, a large percentage of the population is still choosing to form long term partnerships of some kind. In order to have a successful long term committed relationship it is important for both individuals to be ready. This unit explores how we can be better prepared for a committed relationship. From here on, LTCR will refer to long term committed relationship/marriage.

11. Are You Ready For LTCR? Am I able to unselfishly give love?
Am I able to receive love?
Am I sensitive to the hurts and needs of others?
Am I willing to try to see and experience the world from the other person’s point of view?
Can I recognize my own emotions?
Can I accept my emotions and control them?
Can I express my emotions without hurting another?
Am I able and willing to adjust to change?
Can I accept differences in a partner?
Can I give and take in resolving differences?
Do I usually respond logically?
Am I able to define issues?
Do I think through the alternatives when making a decision?
Am I reasonable when evaluating alternatives?
A person’s honest responses to these questions can help determine his or her readiness for a LTCR. A mature person would answer “yes” most of the time.

12. What qualities can you bring to a LTCR?
Your personal qualities, skills and resources all accompany you into a LTCR.
Some qualities can make it hard to build a satisfying relationship and make living in a LTCR quite difficult. These include being:
-Self-centered
- Unwilling to change
-Insensitive
-Unreasonable
-Rigid
These personal qualities hinder a couple’s ability to communicate clearly or solve problems fairly. They are signs that more time is needed for personal growth to maturity.

13. Other personal qualities make it easier for a couple to build a satisfying LTCR and keep it strong. Many of these qualities tend to increase with maturity. As two people mature and develop these qualities in their relationship, they will experience greater happiness and satisfaction. These qualities include:

14. 1. The ability to give and receive love – The ability to give and receive love is vital to a happy LTCR. Expressing your love and showing that you care will strengthen your relationship. You need to be willing to commit yourself to help meet your partner’s needs, and do what is best for the other person. This means taking time to share, listen and build trust and mutual respect. Accepting love includes being willing to let your partner meet your needs. It means allowing yourself to depend on another person and accepting your partner as they are.

15. 2. The ability to express empathy – Empathy is an important quality for the growth of a satisfying relationship. For two people to share in each other’s lives, they must be sensitive to each other’s thoughts and feelings. They must share their inner thoughts and feelings openly. They must also be willing to see a situation from the other’s point of view. Empathy keeps a relationship close.

16. 3. Emotional stability – Emotional stability is an important personal quality in a LTCR. Without it, good communication is difficult. Unclear verbal and nonverbal messages may be sent and received. Intense emotions may cause may cause couples to respond defensively. They may resort to name- calling, using defense mechanisms, or making irrational statements. They may attack each other’s esteem and break down trust in relationships. The ability to control emotions can help couples avoid such negative communication patterns. Emotional stability comes with maturity.

17. 4. Flexibility – Many problems in a LTCR result because a couple has difficulty adjusting to each other’s needs and wants. They may be unwilling to change and insist on having their own way. Such rigid attitudes make it almost impossible to keep a relationship healthy and growing. Flexibility means being willing to change. You do not always need to have your own way. You are willing to negotiate differences with your partner. You can agree to a decision that benefits both rather than just you.

18. 5. Decision-making skills – Being able to think through a decision is an important skill to bring into a LTCR. Many decisions are made together. Shared decision making skills will help a couple make decisions that match their priorities and help them reach their goals. This adds to a satisfying relationship.

19. Reflection to the class
Please hand in at the end of class. What are your thoughts on the Course so far? What do you like about it what do you wish were different? Suggestions for topics or to improve the course.