1. The relationship as the client
Couples Therapy
The relationship as the client

2. Post WW-II history of marriage
Economics
Shift in type of work due to industrialization
Necessity of dual incomes
Technology
Industrialization
Transportation
Birth control
Social Norms (next slide)

3. The change in social norms
Shift from external, role-oriented criteria (e.g., good worker, provider, mother, wife) to internal criteria of personal satisfaction.
Studies of changing themes in popular magazine articles about marriage since the '50s document increased emphasis on self- development, flexible and negotiable roles, and open communication about problems. Surveys show similarly dramatic changes in criteria for "marital satisfaction".
These changes reflect increases in individualism and our standard of living, as well as improved contraceptive methods and greater availability of abortions.
Could you conceive of staying in a marriage unless you're happy?

4. Current statistics
The American divorce rate has increased dramatically since the mid 19th century (peak in early '80s).
Between 50-67% of first marriages end in divorce -- and the failure rate for second marriages is 10% higher. Median duration is 7.2 years.
More marriages now end in divorce than death (true since 1974).
Couple therapy is a growing industry: From 1,000 licensed marital therapists in 1972 to over 50,000 today.
Barely half of couples report significant improvement from therapy (compared to over 75% in individual therapy) -- and a third of those who improve have problems later on (Bray & Jouriles).

5. Characteristics of “happy” couples
Tolstoy’s adage:
“All happy families are alike, but unhappy marriages are unhappy in their own way.”
Characteristics (John Gottman)
foundation of affection and friendship
"validation sequences“
ability to resolve disagreements
“positive sentiment override”
a 5 to 1(or better) compliment-criticism ratio is optimal
as the ratio decreases, marriage satisfaction decreases
Amount of conflict relatively unimportant (all relationships have conflict)

6. Distressed couples (Gottman cont.)
Engage in a wide range of destructive fighting techniques
Personal attacks (name calling)
Dredging up the past
Losing focus (…and the “kitchen sink”)
Tend to resort to the "four horsemen of the apocalypse“ [video]
Criticism (more common in women)
Defensiveness
Withdrawal/stonewalling (more common in men)
Contempt

7. Couples’ interaction styles (Gottman cont.)
Three ways of understanding couples’ interaction styles:
Validating (optimal)
the 5 to 1 ratio (optimal)
respect partner's opinions and emotions
compromise often
resolve problems to mutual satisfaction
Volatile
arguments, conflict may or may not be resolved
Vacillate between heated arguments and passionate reconciliation
Avoiding – do not deal with problems (agree to disagree)
Compatibility of interaction styles sometimes more predictive of relationship success than the style itself

8. Love is a story (Sternberg)
What are stories of love?
They are stories about what love ideally should be
They play out in our day-to-day experiences in relationships
They influence who we are attracted to and who we are compatible with
They are a lens through which people experience events
How do they form?
Stories come from past experiences, thoughts, and feelings about relationships
Stories can and do change, but new stories start with old stories
Stories are affected by cultural norms

9. Love is a story (continued)
Some examples
Asymetrical stories (generally not healthy)
teacher-student
sacrifice
government
police investigation (detective/suspect)
horror
collection
Coordination stories (usually healthier)
travel
garden:processing | attention
sewing
business
Narratives
fantasy
war

10. Differences between couple work and individual work
People in the room
Trust
Confidentiality
Pace

11. Assessment Three main parts Couple history Individual history
Behavioral sample

12. Goals of therapy
The most-studied form of couple therapy -- CBT Marital Therapy
Help partners negotiate behavior change
Teach more effective communication skills (e.g., active listening, how to argue)
Examine specific conflict themes and the associated stories/beliefs
Gottman (microskills)
Avoid the 4 horsemen and other forms of destructive fighting
Focus on and encourage “positive sentiment override”
Latest research findings
Improving "communication skills" may not be the key to resolving many couple problems (Baucom; Burleson & Denton).
Good will between partners may be more important than good communication skills
Good language and communication skills can even make bad marriages worse (e.g., keeps problem salient)
Several promising new approaches
Acceptance therapy (aims to interrupt partners' attempts to change each other)
Solution-focused therapy (aims to identify exceptions to the problem and reinforce strengths in the couple's relationship)

13. Therapeutic techniques
Maintain balanced approach (don’t show favoritism)
Have members of the couple talk to each other, not the therapist
Anticipate backsliding (habits are hard to change)

14. NVC Model
Evaluations
Strategies
Feelings
Needs

15. Evaluations Strategies Feelings Needs NVC MODEL APPLIED TO SCENARIO 1
Disorganized
Strategies
Doesn’t care
Frown
Feelings
Untimely
Make promise to self
Needs
Disappointed
Use sarcasm
Incompetent
Anxious
Untrustworthy
Trust, Respect
Productivity
Demand apology
Annoyed
Jerk
Angry
Threaten
Frustrated
Avoid
Express feelings
Selfish
Speak in clipped tones
Rude
Clueless

16. Evaluations Strategies Feelings Needs NVC MODEL Disorganized
Doesn’t care
Frown
Feelings
Untimely
Make promise to self
Needs
Disappointed
Use sarcasm
Incompetent
Anxious
Trust, Respect
Productivity
Demand apology
Annoyed
Jerk
Angry
Threaten
Frustrated
Avoid
Express feelings
Selfish
Speak in clipped tones
Rude
Clueless

17. The goal of Nonviolent Communication is to:
- listen beyond Strategies and Evaluations to the Needs underneath
- speak to the Needs of those involved
- create strategies that meet everyone’s needs (no compromise)
Evaluations
Strategies
Feelings
Needs

19. NVC Intimate Communication Makeover
Observations
Needs-based empathy
Needs-based honesty
Needs-based self-reflection
Regret, Mourning
Self Acceptance
Needs-based requests
Evaluations
Criticisms
Judgments
Self-blame
Guilt
Shame
Demands
Coercion
Threats

20. NVC Makeover Components (some definitions)
Observations: Describing a behavior or event without evaluation words, just as a video-camera would show it.
E: “I notice your car is in the middle of the driveway”
Needs Based Empathy: Connecting to and being present with the needs of the other (their hopes, wants, what might be important to them).
E: “Were you hoping to make your life a little easier by not having to deal with bushes?”
M: “Are you feeling frustrated b/c we talked about this last time and it happened again?”
Needs Based Honesty: Sharing your own needs without blame or expectation - when the other person is truly ready to hear you.
E: “It’s important to me that I can count on you following through with agreements so that I can trust you and count on you.”
Needs-based Self-Reflection: Connecting to and being present with your immediate, as well as “larger” needs (hopes, wants, what is important to you).
M [internal dialogue]: I’m feeling annoyed because I want the trust between us to be strong enough to resist small failures to follow through.
Needs-based Requests: Clear communication about a strategy that would help meet a need of yours (different from a demand)
What might a request look like?

21. Role play with Rosenberg Class Demonstration?

22. Further Resources Center for Nonviolent Communication
(includes workshop schedule, trainer info, and complete list of books and videos)
Conflict Hotline (live role plays with NVC coach)
(type in “conflict hotline”)
NVC Academy (telecourses, audio-courses, and free materials)