1. Polyamory: THERAPY WITH A MARGINALIZED POPULATION Martha Kauppi, LMFT
COUPLES CONFERENCE
Los Angeles, CA
2017
AASECT Certified Sex Therapist
Copyright 2017

2. Imagine this…
Bring to mind someone you love deeply. Hold that feeling memory, and bring to mind someone else you love deeply. Hold all that, and bring to mind a third person you love deeply. Notice how different all the relationships are. Bring them all together in your mind, and notice if having them all in your life diminishes or enhances the amount of love you feel for each.

3. Self of the Therapist…
What information do you need in order to feel prepared to work with this population? What biases, beliefs, or past experiences are you bringing to this work? Where do you anticipate internal discomfort? What do you need to do within yourself to work with this population well? How would it benefit you if you were able to work effectively with this population?

4. Definitions: Non-Monogamies *
Swinging: Generally a couple activity with casual sexual connections between couples, often at parties or events
Non-monogamy or “open”: Can be individual or couple, assumed no emotional connection between partners
Polyamory: Can be individual or couple, assumption is that a significant emotional connection is a welcome part of it, and everyone consents to the relationship structure
* language and definitions are continually evolving

5. Is it Polyamory or Infidelity?
“Unfaithful”
Breach of an (often unspoken) agreement between 2 partners to be monogamous, a term which also frequently is not explicitly defined nor agreed-upon. Often involves secrecy, lies, and deception.
Polyamory:
“Many Loves”
Consensual and generally explicitly defined agreement for one, some, or all to participate in one or some additional relationships; usually expected to include both romantic and sexual relationships.

6. Poly Theory (as interpreted by Martha)
Humans were not meant to be monogamous, as evidenced by the prevalence of infidelity Secrecy and lies are damaging to all involved Why not bring it out in the open, and have multiple relationships without the lies and secrecy? More transparency and self-regulation, less crisis and deception.

7. Common Poly Relationship Shapes
V Triad Quad N * (asterisk) Network Infinite variations

8. Decision-Making Body
1. Dyadic Primary/secondary non-hierarchical polyfidelity 2. Individual
3. Family Consensus Democracy Other? 4. Community-based Who is in distress?

9. Common Ground: Kink and Polyamory
These are overlapping populations with common community supports and connections. Many people are in both groups. Both are marginalized populations social stigma coming out issues work discrimination loss of family and friends Both can be either fixed or fluid Both can be either a behavior or an identity

10. Frequently Challenging for Therapists…
Lack of cultural competence/knowledge of this group Self of Therapist issues: Biases, assumptions, triggers Constantly shifting definitions and language Getting distracted by content Overlap with BDSM/Kink can be challenging for some

11. Myth-Busting: Martha’s Research Findings, 2014

12. Myth: Polyamory = Promiscuity

13. Myth: Poly Relationships Don’t Last

14. Why Poly? Pick All That Apply

15. Why Poly? Pick One

16. Myth: Additional Relationships Destroy Intimacy in the Initial Relationship

17. Would it Benefit You To Become Poly-Competent?
This community uses, encourages, and believes in therapy. Poly clients are generally very motivated toward self-improvement, particularly relationally. They value (and need) excellent communication skills. Poly clients tend to have better communication skills, higher levels of differentiation, and more explicitly agreed-upon relationship structures than the general population. Poly clients have difficulty finding poly-competent and poly-friendly therapists

18. Preparing for Common Presenting Problems:
Jealousy and other difficult emotions Difference of opinion on opening up Mono-poly issues Difficulty forming agreements about rules and/or guidelines Balancing the needs and preferences of multiple partners and self Infidelity and broken agreements Coming out issues ”Doing Poly Wrong” or fitting into a community construct of poly Issues not related to polyamory

19. Beginning the Therapy:
What is the relationship structure?
Who should come to therapy sessions?
Where is the decision-making body?
What is the presenting problem?
What do you need to do within yourself to prepare for this client?
What information about poly do you need to prepare for this client?