1. Language Network
Revising Sentences

2. Padded and Empty Sentences
Revising Sentences
Padded and Empty Sentences
Refining Padded Sentences
Improving Empty Sentences
Practice and Apply

3. Refining Padded Sentences
A padded sentence has more words than are needed to communicate an idea.

4. Refining Padded Sentences
Sometimes padded sentences have long phrases that can be replaced with shorter ones.
At other times, padded sentences bore your reader by needlessly repeating an idea.

5. Refining Padded Sentences
STUDENT MODEL
PADDED SENTENCES
DRAFT
I was upset because of the fact that my friend wouldn’t ride the roller coasters with me. The reason is he is of the opinion that roller coasters look like they could be full of danger.
Repeats an idea
Long phrase

6. Refining Padded Sentences
STUDENT MODEL
PADDED SENTENCES
DRAFT
I was upset because of the fact that my friend wouldn’t ride the roller coasters with me. The reason is he is of the opinion that roller coasters look like they could be full of danger.
REVISION
I was upset because my friend wouldn’t ride the roller coasters with me. He thinks they look dangerous.

7. Refining Padded Sentences
Here’s How Refining Padded Sentences
• Think about what you really want to say.
• Look for words and phrases that could
be deleted and never missed.
• Look for places where one or two words
could replace many words.

8. Improving Empty Sentences
Some sentences say nothing or repeat an idea that has already been stated.
I like bike riding because it is fun and enjoyable.
IDEA IS REPEATED

9. Improving Empty Sentences
Other sentences make statements that are not supported by facts.
They are my favorite bikes because they are the best ones.
NOT A FACT

10. Improving Empty Sentences
Here’s How Filling Empty Sentences
• Eliminate words and phrases that needlessly
repeat an idea.
• Don’t leave your reader asking, “Why?”
Add reasons, examples, and facts to
support your opinions.

11. Add a reason or fact to the following sentence.
Practice and Apply
Add a reason or fact to the following sentence.
Train travel is better than car travel. 1.

12. Eliminate unnecessary words from the following sentences.
Practice and Apply
Eliminate unnecessary words from the following sentences.
The dining car, where most of the passengers eat, offers many different meals and a variety of food. 2.

13. Stringy and Overloaded Sentences
Revising Sentences
Stringy and Overloaded Sentences
Fixing Stringy Sentences
Fixing Overloaded Sentences
Practice and Apply

14. Fixing Stringy Sentences
Both stringy and overloaded sentences confuse the reader by forcing too many ideas into one sentence.
Often, the reader can’t tell how the ideas in the sentence are related.

15. Fixing Stringy Sentences
A stringy sentence contains too many ideas loosely connected by the word and.
Stringy sentences seem to go on and on.

16. Fixing Stringy Sentences
To fix stringy sentences, make each complete thought a separate sentence. Write the sentences in a logical order.

17. Fixing Stringy Sentences
You can use conjunctions such as first, then, when, next, after that, and because to show the relationship between ideas.

18. Fixing Stringy Sentences
STUDENT MODEL
STRINGY SENTENCE
DRAFT
My class visited Washington, D.C., and we went to the National Air and Space Museum, and we saw the Wright 1903 Flyer, which was the first successful airplane, and we saw Viking 1, the first spacecraft to operate on the surface of Mars. . .

19. Fixing Stringy Sentences
STUDENT MODEL
STRINGY SENTENCES
DRAFT
My class visited Washington, D.C., and we went to the National Air and Space Museum, and we saw the Wright 1903 Flyer, which was the first successful airplane, and we saw Viking 1, the first spacecraft to operate on the surface of Mars. . .
REVISION
When my class visited Washington, D.C., we went to the National Air and Space Museum. First, we saw the Wright 1903 Flyer, which was the first successful airplane. After that, we saw Viking 1, the first spacecraft to operate on the surface of Mars. . .

20. Fixing Overloaded Sentences
An overloaded sentence contains too much information about a single topic.
You may know what you need to say, but your reader won’t understand you.

21. Fixing Overloaded Sentences
STUDENT MODEL
OVERLOADED SENTENCE
DRAFT
Even though most people think that pterodactyls, flying reptiles that lived more than 65 million years ago in Europe and East Africa, were huge animals, not all of them were, and some of them were about the same size as a sparrow.
Too many details

22. Fixing Overloaded Sentences
STUDENT MODEL
DRAFT
Even though most people think that pterodactyls, flying reptiles that lived more than 65 million years ago in Europe and East Africa, were huge animals, not all of them were, and some of them were about the same size as a sparrow.
REVISION
Pterodactyls were flying reptiles that lived more than 65 million years ago in Europe and East Africa. Most people think that pterodactyls were huge animals, but not all of them were. Some pterodactyls were about the same size as a sparrow.

23. Fixing Overloaded Sentences
Here’s How Revising Stringy and Overloaded Sentences
• Break down your sentences into separate ideas.
• Combine related ideas, using conjunctions such as and,
but, or, so, then, and when.
• Rewrite your sentences as two or more sentences, making
sure that you have not packed too many ideas into any
one sentence.

24. Rewrite this stringy sentence.
Practice and Apply
Rewrite this stringy sentence.
My grandmother’s dog is very helpful and he will carry the newspaper from her to my grandfather if she tells him to but sometimes he wants to play instead. 3.

25. Varying Sentence Structure
Revising Sentences
Varying Sentence Structure
Rearranging Phrases
Varying Sentence Types
Practice and Apply

26. Try rearranging the phrases in your sentence for more impact.
Rearranging Phrases
Try rearranging the phrases in your sentence for more impact.
Words that give the most important information often have the greatest effect at the start or end of a sentence.

27. Minerva opened her front door, and fifteen
Rearranging Phrases
Minerva opened her front door,
and fifteen
of her friends spilled out,
wishing her a
happy birthday.

28. Fifteen of Minerva’s friends spilled out her
Rearranging Phrases
Fifteen of Minerva’s friends spilled out
her
front door as she opened it,
wishing her a
happy birthday.

29. Wishing her a happy birthday, fifteen of
Rearranging Phrases
Wishing her a happy birthday,
fifteen of
of Minerva’s friends spilled out
her front
door as she opened it.

30. Rearranging Phrases
There are no precise rules about the “most important” words in a sentence.
You can put interesting details up front to grab your reader’s attention or at the end to go out with a bang.

31. Varying Sentence Type
You can make your writing livelier by including questions, exclamations, and commands.

32. Varying Sentence Type
PROFESSIONAL MODEL
VARYING SENTENCE TYPES
What can kids do about pollution in their neighborhoods? Students at Bellamy Middle School in Chicopee, Massachusetts, found out. Chicopee had a problem storing sludge from factories and sewers. In winter the sludge froze before it could be taken to landfills. Some Bellamy students toured the sludge plant to see the problem for themselves—and smell it, too! The town used the students’ idea of building a greenhouse Look around your community for environmental problems you can help solve.
Question
Exclamation
Command

33. Varying Sentence Type
Don’t overuse exclamations. Too many can make your writing seem breathless or overexcited.

34. Rewrite the following sentence two ways by rearranging its phrases.
Practice and Apply
Rewrite the following sentence two ways by rearranging its phrases.
The librarian heard a snicker in the middle aisle near the books by Mark Twain. 4.

35. Practice and Apply
Add some variety to the letter below. Rewrite at least three sentences as questions, exclamations, or commands.
You may be interested in time travel or in life on other planets. If you read science fiction, you can explore these ideas. Science fiction writers often combine scientific information and imaginary characters to create a story. If science fiction appeals to you, it’s a good idea to try a story by Isaac Asimov, Anne McCaffrey, or another science fiction writer. 5.