1. The Inner Game of Assertiveness
May 9-10, 2017
Tina Gilbertson, LPC

4. Aggressive ≠ Assertive

5. There’s no such thing as “too assertive.” It’s called aggressive.
@TinaGilbertson

7. Aggressive language, anyone?
You always…
You never…
What’s wrong with you?
You should have known...
You’re so…
You’re such a…
Why can’t you just…
Why won’t you…

8. Aggressive language is about “YOU”
YOU always…
YOU never…
What’s wrong with YOU?
YOU should have known...
YOU’re so…
YOU’re such a…
Why can’t YOU just…
Why won’t YOU…

9. Rate yourself 4 10 2 7

10. Exercise: PM vs. Team Member
YOU always…
YOU never…
What’s wrong with YOU?
YOU should have known...
YOU’re so…
YOU’re such a…
Why can’t YOU just…
Why won’t YOU…

11. How to respond to aggressive language?

12. Responses to an aggressive style
“It sounds like you would like …”
“Are you saying you’d like me to … ?”
“Would you like … ?”

14. Letting a situation play itself out when you could do something to improve it
Remaining in jobs or relationships longer than desired
Suffering in silence
Waiting
PASSIVE

15. A passive style is only a problem when it’s not optional.

17. Communication styles run in families.

19. Passive-Aggressive Definition:
Getting your message across without stating it directly to the person involved
Passive-Aggressive

20. Accepting an invitation they’d rather not, then not showing up.
“I’m just joking!”
“Fine. Whatever.”
Passive-Aggressive

21. How to respond to passive aggression
“What do you mean?”
Ask about the specific behavior, and what it means.

22. Q & A ? A Q Q ? A ? A Q ?

23. “Want to have lunch with me next week?”
I’d love to, but Susan asked me to have lunch with her next week and I’m not sure which day, so I’d have to get back to you but my phone isn’t working that well…
PASSVE-
AGGRSV
No way. You’re just trying to butter me up!
AGGRESSIVE A B
ASSERTIVE
PASSIVE C D
No, I don’t think so. But thanks for asking.
Sure.

24. How much of each? P A P-A Aggressive Passive-Aggressive Passive
Assertive

25. Inner vs. Outer Game Outer Game Inner Game Words Actions
Communication style
Inner Game
Emotions
Self-image
Beliefs

26. What do A, P, and P-A have in common?

27. Ownership

28. Who owns the message? You No one Message? What message? I do
AGGRESSIVE
PASSSIVE
Message?
What message?
PASSIVE-AGRSV
I do
ASSERTIVE

29. How do I convey my message?
I talk about YOUR behavior
I don’t
AGGRESSIVE
PASSSIVE
I state my message
to the intended recipient(s)
Indirectly
PASSIVE-AGRSV
ASSERTIVE

30. Ownership

31. Ownership Rewards & Risks
Influence
Stress
Vulnerability
Respect
Responsibility
Integrity

32. The Courage of Ownership
Influence
Responsibility

34. Being assertive is hard, but it often beats the alternative.
@TinaGilbertson

35. Up Your Inner Game of Assertiveness
(Use I-statements)
Take ownership
Don’t lead
with compromise
Simple & direct

36. Keys to Assertiveness
Ownership
Simple
I-statements
Direct

37. Q & A ? A Q Q ? A ? A Q ?

38. The Inner Game of Assertiveness
Tina Gilbertson, LPC
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