1. Whip Around What characteristic do you value in a friend?
Think about this question and be prepared to share aloud.

2. Chapter 14 Developing and Maintaining Relationships: From Formation to Dissolution
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3. Interpersonal Communication Competence
Researchers have found that five skills lead to competence in interpersonal communication:
The ability to adapt and know how to communicate in specific situations
The ability to adapt and appropriately communicate in specific interactions
The ability to understand your own and the other person’s values, beliefs, attitudes, or feelings
The ability to self-monitor
The ability to be fair and ethical

4. Interpersonal Communication Competence
Five skills leading to interpersonal competence are:
Adapt and know how to communicate
Adapt and use appropriate communicate
Understand values, beliefs, attitudes, or feelings.
Self-monitor.
Be fair and ethical.
Photo from chapter 10, 2
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5. Relationship Formation
Interpersonal Attraction—the desire to interact with someone.
Physical Attributes
Observations from first impressions
Stereotypes and appearance
Communication and Attraction
Fear of rejection by those who are more attractive
Similarity in attraction
Chemistry or Physical Attraction
Physical attraction is important
Chemistry (attraction at first sight)
Meeting online
Women are more likely to form online relationships
The depth and personal aspects of the relationship add to the possibility of moving beyond the computer
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6. Think-pair-share
Why is attraction an important aspect of forming relationships?

7. Knapp & Vangelisti: Stages of Coming Together
Initiating - meet and interact for the first time
Experimenting - discover common ground
Intensifying - increase self-disclosure
Integrating - establish deep commitment
Bonding - announce commitment publicly

8. Relationships: Initiation or Coming Together
Initiating
Experimenting
Intensifying
Integrating
Bonding
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9. Stages of “Coming Together”
Initiating
Definition: stage where you will decide whether or not to begin a relationship – based on 1st impression
Usually a brief stage
Consider verbal and nonverbals, social and physical attractiveness
Example:
Verbal: length of comments and tone of voice
Nonverbal: smiling, eye contact, appearance
Initiating stage is a brief fist encounter that creases a first impression based on…
Verbal cues – length of comments and tone of voice
Nonverbal cues – smiling, eye contact, handshakes, appearance
Do I have any interest in getting to know this person? Yes/No 9

10. Stages of “Coming Together” (cont.)
Experimenting
Definition: screening process where people share information to see if they have anything in common
Example: First date
Follows a positive initiation stage
Many relationships do not move beyond this stage – not everyone can be your BFF
Some relationships skip this step completely
This stage can occur via Internet chat rooms
Experimenting is the screening process (like a first date) during which you…
Share information to see if you are compatible, interesting, have same values, etc.
Surface-level self-disclosure and reciprocity (sharing information about each other)
Most relationships don’t get past this point – ex. Classmates
Progressing through this stage occurs at different paces 10

11. Stages of “Coming Together” (cont.)
Intensifying
Definition: a decided shift in communicator’s focus as he or she changes from interacting regularly with a variety of others to focusing resources and time upon one partner
Example: dating several people to just one individual
Dating around becomes going steady
Become more exclusive
Make plans for the future
Marked by deep disclosures “we” & “us” vs. “you” & “I”
Immediacy and physical interaction increase; verbal shortcuts – “my friend Bill” becomes “Bill”
In the intensifying stage you focus more attention to one specific person, such as…
Going from dating various people to being boyfriend-girlfriend
Having several friends to having a “best friend”
More personal self-disclosure (intimate things-not just romantically)
“We” centered rather than “I” centered
Making future plans
Increases in emotional & physical closeness (intimacy)
Verbal short-cuts 11

12. Stages of “Coming Together” (cont.)
Integrating
Definition: partners share self-symbols, want to take on characteristics of their partner; becoming more alike
Example: inside jokes
Values are shared, then hobbies, friends, possessions, and the like are used to reinforce to each other and others outside the relationship
In the integrating stage you merge and become more alike…
We tend to like people we are similar to, and want to be similar to people we like
Take on characteristics of the boyfriend or girlfriend that you like
Your verbal and verbal communication become more similar to your partner’s
Sharing friends (our friends) and property (our apartment)
Take on aspects of the other – start playing golf, go to concerts, etc
The less you have as “yours,” the less future problems you’ll have 12

13. Stages of “Coming Together” (cont.)
Bonding
Definition: occurs when there is a ceremony of some sort that publicly communicates the commitments the partners have made to each other
Examples: marriage, blood brothers/sisters
Also note…
Increased interdependence
Communication patterns don’t shift much
Bonding is a formal connection made through some ceremony, such as…
Weddings
Becoming a godparent
Adopting a child
Initiation in a Greek organization
Communication patterns don’t shift much
Increased interdependence 13

14. Knapp & Vangelisti: Stages of Coming Apart
Differentiating - focus on differences
Circumscribing - reduce communication
Stagnating - avoid communication
Avoiding - create distance
Terminating - end the relationship

15. Relationships: Coming Apart
Terminating
Avoiding
Stagnating
Circumscribing
Differentiating
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16. Stages of “Falling Apart”
Differentiating (opposite of initiation stage)
Definition: we attempt to re-assert our own individual identity
Examples: go back to school, best friend makes new friends
Develop separate interests and social networks
Potential for an increase in conflict/disagreement
Differentiation can be positive
Differentiating is the opposite of the initiation stage
You start to notice differences in each other
You develop separate interests and social networks
Disagreements and arguments become more frequent
Increased psychological distance
NOTE: To differentiate is not always negative…
Two twins in a class may grow if they are separated 16

17. Stages of “Falling Apart” (cont.)
Circumscribing
Definition: keeping communication to be “safe” or non-disputed areas; selective about what information to share, avoid personal topics
Example: How’s the weather vs. politics
In the circumscribing stage you carefully keep communication to “safe” topic areas
Avoid politically charged topics
Avoid personal topics
Communication selective and careful
Less spontaneous
NOTE: relationships at the circumstancing stage may appear normal at first glance
Relationships at the circumscribing stage may appear normal at fist glance 17

18. Stages of “Falling Apart” (cont.)
Stagnating
Definition: partners avoid new topics for fear of negative outcomes, so they stick to past communication routines
Often easier to stay in this type of relationship vs. terminating – no work involved
Stagnating stage…think of a time when you have had an argument with a roommate and you don’t talk much for a few days—that’s what stagnating relationships are like
Fewer and fewer topics are discussed (How was class? How’s work? etc.)
The relationship becomes boring
We endure the stagnating stage knowing that things will end soon
Difficult to reverse because it takes work, but a stagnating relationship takes no work
Social Exchange Theory – we weigh the costs and rewards in our relationships to help us decide to stay or bail 18

19. Stages of “Falling Apart” (cont.)
Avoiding
Definition: an individual actively avoids contact with his or her partner – both physically and psychologically
Example: BF/GF went to Chacho’s on Friday – you go to Pappasitos
Limited communication or interaction
In the avoiding stage you make a conscious effort to avoid your friend or significant other
EX: Working late, school work, friends in town, etc.
Increased psychological and physical distance
Very limited communication or interaction with your partner 19

20. Stages of “Falling Apart” (cont.)
Terminating
Definition: ending the relationship
This could come suddenly (death) or take a long time (divorce)
The more integrated the relationship, the longer it will likely take to end it
Terminating is not always bad
How the terminating stage is managed depends on several factors…
How integrated you were (the more you have in common, the more difficult it will be to break up)
Your feelings towards your partner (if you had a big fight, it might be quick, but if you still care for him or her, it will take longer)
EX: Married couples – terminating will take a long time, if even completely possible
EX: Dating couples – terminating the relationship is less complicated
How you terminate the relationship will determine future interactions
Terminating is not always bad. People might be happier after “it’s over.” 20

21. Additional Predictions About Stages
Differentiating may be positive for a relationship
Terminating will differ depending on what stage you are in
Length of time spent in a given stage may relate to personality traits
Perceptions of stages may differ
Terminating is not necessarily bad 21

22. Overview of Relational Stages
Recognizable by type of communication that occurs
What are the nonverbals when a relationship is just beginning?
More space between the two people
Example: opposite sides of table
Fewer eye gazes
What are the nonverbals when a relationship
has progressed?
Less space between the two people (become more immediate)
Example: site beside each other, hold hands, hug
Relationships, at the most fundamental level, can either come together or move apart.
This involves reducing or increasing psychological, emotional, and maybe even physical closeness (depending on the type of relationship). 22

23. Overview of Relational Stages (cont.)
Recognizable by type of communication that occurs
What subjects are discussed in the new relationship vs. the one that has progressed?
New relationship: less risky information
Relationship that has progressed: intimate information 23

24. Overview of Relational Stages (cont.)
Changes in Psychological/Emotional Closeness
During the “coming together stage” get closer
During the “falling apart stage” begin to put yourself at greater distance
Degrees of closeness are not constant, relationships are dynamic and constantly changing 24

25. Overview of Relational Stages (cont.)
Stages may vary in length
No set time limit for any stage
No set order or sequence of stages 25

26. Overview of Relational Stages (cont.)
Relationships are a process: change is inevitable
Relationships do not stay the same from the day they started
Strangers -> Friends -> Boyfriend/Girlfriend
There are times when we move further away – can come back and make relationship stronger 26

27. Relationship Maintenance Strategies
Positivity
Openness
Assurances
Blending Social Networks
Sharing Tasks
© Yuri Arcurs/Fotolia
Relationship Maintenance Strategies

28. Relationship Formation
Relationship Management Strategies
Positivity
Communication behaviors make others feel good or comfortable around us.
Those who communicate this way are more fun and pleasant to be around.
Openness
An open person is willing to self-disclose thoughts and feelings.
That person shares needs and wants in regard to relationships.
Assurances
Verbal and nonverbal behaviors demonstrate commitment to another.
This implies the relationship has a future.

29. Relationship Formation
Relationship Management Strategies
Blending Social Networks
Common friends help a couple bond the relationship.
Sharing Tasks
Each person does his or her fair share of the work.
Sharing tasks requires effort and energy to make the relationship work.

30. Relationship Dissolution
Signs That Relationships Are in Trouble
Aggressive behavior
Aiming to hurt the other party
Lies
Deceives another by not telling the truth
Betrayal
Extramarital affairs, gossip, and harmful criticism
Deception and betrayal are similar. The difference is that betrayal violates a confidence and an agreed on expectation.
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31. Relational Repair Strategies
Open/honest communication
Bring out/focus on positive side
Evaluate rewards/costs
Seek support
Reinterpret other’s behavior
Reduce negativity

32. Duck’s Phases of Dissolution
The Intrapsychic Phase
Internally assess their classification of their relationship
The Dyadic Phase
Discuss the status of their relationship
The Social Phase
Relationship difficulties become more public within the context of family, friends, coworkers, etc.
The Grave-Dressing Phase
Final phase because after the breakup, each partner gives an account of why the relationship ended.
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33. Interpersonal Conflict
According to Wilmot and Hocker, conflict is an expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interference from others in achieving their goals.
Can lead to conflict:
Faulty communication
Faulty attribution errors
Faulty perceptions and a tendency to perceive our own views as objective and reflective of reality, but others as not based in reality
Personality traits or characteristics
Copyright © 2014, 2011, 2008 Pearson Education, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

34. What are the pros and cons of conflict?

35. Both Sides of Conflict Destructive Beneficial Winner vs. loser
Too aggressive behaviors, withdrawal, withholding feelings
Prevents work or feeling good about ourselves
Forces us to do things we do not want to do
Outcome more important than the relationship
Form of bullying
Bring out problems that need solving
Bring people together to clarify goals and explore new ideas
Eliminate resentments and help in understanding
Bring out creativity
Produce acceptable solutions
Pay attention to other points of view
Bring new life into a relationship
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36. Managing Relational Tensions
Denial- denying the problem exists.
Selection- accommodating one party.
Segmentation- choosing certain areas to be open for discussion.
Reframing- redefining tension in order to make it less obvious; make it disappear.
Moderation- compromising; deals are struck in order to reduce tension.
Reaffirmation- accepting that tension will always be present and embracing it.

37. Causes of Conflict Faulty communication Faulty attributions
Faulty perceptions
Personal traits or characteristics

38. Strategies for Conflict Management or Resolution in Relationships
Withdrawing
Accommodating
Forcing
Negotiating
Collaboration
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39. Interpersonal Conflict
What are useful Strategies for Conflict Management or Resolution in Interpersonal Relationships?
Withdrawing: Removing ourselves from the situation.
Accommodating: One person does not assert his or her own needs but rather prefers to go along to get along.
Forcing: One person has dominance and power over another.
Negotiating: This is a give-and-take process that leads to each party having some satisfaction and some dissatisfaction with the outcome.
Collaboration: Requires cooperation and mutual respect; both parties arrive at a mutually satisfying solution.

40. Interpersonal Conflict
Relational Repair Strategies
Engage in more open and honest communication and exhibit a willingness to listen to the other person with an open mind.
Be willing to bring out the other person’s positive side.
Evaluate the potential rewards and costs for keeping the relationship together versus the rewards and costs for changing or ending it.
Seek out the support of others to help keep the relationship together.
Both parties must be willing to focus on the positive aspects of their relationship.
Both parties must be willing to reinterpret the other’s behaviors as positive and well intentioned.
Both parties have to be willing to reduce negativity and keep a balanced perspective.

41. Improving Communication Competence
Address issues clearly
Treat others with respect
Know that praise will most likely produce desired responses
Competent Communicators
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42. Improving Communication Competence in Relationships
Establish Supportive and Caring Relationships
Establishing supportive and caring relationships is important to our well-being, and the process is generally easier when communication is both positive and supportive.
Nurture a Supportive Environment
Positive and supportive communication occurs in open, flexible, warm, animated, and receptive environments.

43. Improving Communication Competence in Relationships
Invite More Communication
Many of us listen to others express their feelings and then immediately express our own.
Skilled and caring communicators do not usually respond immediately with ideas, judgments, or feelings or express their own views.

44. Improving Competence (Continued)
Establish Supportive and Caring Relationships
Nurture a Supportive Environment
Invite More Communication
Courtesy of Marilyn Shaw
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45. Think-pair-share
Elissa and Josh met in a history course. He was athletic, good looking, and sensitive, and had a great personality. They began dating and appeared to be the perfect couple. Elissa began spending more and more time with Josh and less and less time with her college girlfriends. Elissa felt that was a lot easier than responding to Josh’s endless questions about her whereabouts and what she was doing every moment of the day. Elissa’s friends noticed a dramatic change in her personality. She seemed to have lost interest in the things she loved to do before she met Josh. She became distant and moody – just not her old self. Elissa doesn’t understand Josh’s behavior because she has asked him a thousand times if he loves her and trusts her and he always answers, “Of course I do.”
What do you think is going on?
What do you think happens to communication in an abusive relationship?
What are the warning signs that someone is in an abusive relationship?
How has technology increased the opportunities for abuse in relationships?