1. Identity Formation In Donor Offspring
Jean Benward, LCSW

2. At the conclusion of this presentation participants should be able to:
Learning Objectives
At the conclusion of this presentation participants should be able to:
Discuss the ways offspring understand donor conception
Describe identity development in adolescence
Appraise the meaning of offspring's interest in the donor
Summarize identity quandaries faced by donor offspring

3. Disclosure
Nothing to disclose

4. Identity Development
The development of an identity is a life-long process
Infant's discovery of self
Continues through childhood
Central in adolescence
Adults may reevaluate aspects of their identity
Meaning of donor conception can vary over time

5. Identity Development con’t
Ones identity is multi dimensional
Includes self definition in different domains
Occupational/educational, values, religion, relationships
Donor conception will be one of the domains
Identity involves internalization of multiple selves
Including self in relation to the donor
(Grotevant 1986) 5

6. Contribution Of Parents’ Storytelling
Normalizes donor conception
Decreases stigma
I'm just like everyone else
Differentiates donor from parents: affirm parents role
Separates genetics from relationships
Introduces a vocabulary (McDougal et al 2007)

7. Language & Identity
Language conveys cultural beliefs about genetic-relatedness & families
It expresses the way people are situated in relation to others
Language expresses social connections

8. Language & Identity con’t
Language conveys meaning in identity development
The donor is NOT
The genetic parent
The other father
The birthfather
The biological parent 8

9. Parental Strategies Deemphasize the difference
Minimize role of donor and genetic ties to donor
Donor = a body part / is invisible
Emphasize the special/ wanted/ loved feelings
“We believe the love we share with our child will triumph over any problems regarding her biology” (Nachtigall 2008)
Parents quandary: how do they include the donor’s role in the child’s identity narrative

10. Downside Of Parents’ Storytelling
The special child
A strategy to offset any negative feelings
Validate the parental role
Precarious strategy
Will not eliminate offspring questions about the donor
“Interpret the meaning of genes and relationships from different perspectives and … different emphases …” (Kirkman 2004)

11. Building A Donor Construct
Optimally incorporate the donor into the story as a person
Children work on their donor concept from childhood on
Diverse thoughts and feelings
Create an evolving story
Bourne pg 10

12. Attachment , Identity, Development
Discussion in early childhood, within context of a secure attachment can facilitate identification and incorporation
I have been telling my three year old daughter as a bedtime story … we were reading and she began to tell me that when she grew up, she "would find a nice lady to give her some eggs, and that they would be mixed with daddy's sperm, and then would be put in her belly to grow into a baby”--she said that she wanted to have babies the same way that I had her

13. Fantasy Is Part Of Learning
Eggs For Sale?
Fosters ability to integrate information into self
Provides opportunity for child to test fantasies vs. reality
As our 3.5-year-old son sat down to brunch, he stated, "the donor's not coming, right”
Stamm pg 8

14. Donor Construct: Feelings And Worries
We should buy that man a present (Daniels 2004)
I call him a friend, … he helped us … that’s what friends do (Daniels 2004)
Do I have two fathers? year old (Pettle, Burns 2002)
Your still my mom right? year old
Infertility Research Trust 1991 pg 12

15. Early School Years Advances in cognitive skills
Develop long term memory
Better ability to connect old and new information
Moving out of magical thinking to increased use of rational ideas to explain situations
Organized, stable mood and internal sense of security
Curiosity and expressiveness
Established sense of self and other
Reality orientation established
(Sarnoff 1987 ; Greenspan 1981)

16. Early School Years con’t
Implications for information sharing
Logically make the connection between genetics, conception and society's view of parenthood
See themselves in relation to others
Now children grasp that there was a time when they didn’t exist
So, without the donor I wouldn’t have been born?
Hank, age 7
Sara, age 7
Did my sister have the same donor?

17. Middle Late Childhood
Relative state of equilibrium: calm and pliability
Depression, negativism, withdrawal only intermittent
Psychological defense mechanisms that foster ability to adapt
Capacity for empathy and understanding loss and sadness
Anxiety is not generally disruptive
(Greenspan 1981; Sarnoff 1987)

18. Middle Late Childhood con’t
Implications for information sharing
Knows conception requires sperm and egg
Not quite sure how it all works
Understand their uniqueness
Donor concept broadens
…”I was born in my mom's uterus, but I was born from another lady's egg. My mom's hair is brown, my dad’s hair is black and mine is blond. The … reason is that the lady that made the egg that I was born from,… her hair was blond, like mine. So, I have my dad's "chubby” cheeks, my mom's curly hair and the lady's blond hair

19. Middle-late Childhood (con’t)
Capacity for empathy for parents
“I am sorry mom, that you had to go through so much.” year old boy
“Did that make daddy sad?” 8 year old boy
Nothings been changed, Dad’s still my dad and always will be age (Lorbach 2003)
Implications for information sharing

20. Meaning Of Genetic Inheritance
Donor physical and genetic characteristics
“I think I am so bright because of the man who gave us sperm year old boy ( Lorbach 2003)
Why don’t I look like you? Hannah looks like her mother” year old girl
She said, "Well, we know I don't have your genes."  year old girl
Do you have a picture of the donor? boy age 10

21. A Complex Connection
Explaining the genetic connection: donor but not parent
Using the given cultural framework, they try to explain it
I am half adopted year old girl
Mom, technically speaking, you aren't my mother year old
He is my physical father year old
Oh yes, its almost like she is our-ex mother year old (Lorbach 2003)

22. Early Adolescence Emotional turmoil, negativism. Intense narcissism
Difficulty understanding affective meaning/ feelings
Derogation of parents and withdrawal from them
“ Our son became …touchy between 12 and 15 which came as a …shock. . . He seemed to let go of it after 15 or 16.” (Daniels 2004)
“…He was negative and said he didn’t want me talking about it … (Daniels 2004)

23. Adolescence Move into more active questioning and exploration
There is no single developmental sequence
Identity issues do not necessarily end at adolescence
Exploration can be a source of satisfaction and stress
Opportunity to reformulate identity
Integrate reproduction, relationships, emotions, beliefs
Adolescence is a crisis for parents as much as it is for the teens: fears of donor may resurface

24. Cognitive Dissonance Cognitive dissonance:
Culture places value on genetics
Family narrative at odds with their experience
Resemblance talk and its role in identity (Becker 2005)
Need for mirroring via physical traits
Looking like someone as an identity anchor
… “There is something about mirrors
And seeing yourself in others” (McClelland 2008)

25. Identity Status Some aspects of identity may be “foreclosed”
Identity is accepted without exploring alternatives
Often this is based on parental ideas and beliefs ( Grotevant 1986)
Non Searching adopted adolescents were the least curious, and most satisfied with the information
“I am a DC offspring and I am very happy that my donor is not known and cannot be known.
I am not interested in meeting the donor.

26. Seeking The Donor Adolescence is also a time of decision making
Adopted adolescents engage in psychological work about seeking information or attempting contact.
Seekers hope to consolidate their identity by filling in a range of missing information ( Wrobel et al 2004)
I really have almost no chance of ever finding my donor, but if given the opportunity I would love to.

27. Seeking Donor Contact Adolescents with open identity donors
The majority would contact the donor because it would help them learn more about themselves
Offspring are interested in
His looks, a picture and his personality (Scheib et a al 2005)

28. Seeking Information
What happens to identity development when there is no information??
Struggle to create a narrative that has coherence, meaning and integrity
Intensifies sense of difference and investment in genetic connection
Disenfranchised grief 28

29. Factors Effecting Outcome
Significant others recognize the importance and relational significance for offspring of genetic connection to the donor
Parents empathy and willingness to advocate for offspring
‘Children become neurotic not due to frustrations but due to the lack or loss of societal meaning in those frustrations.’ Eric Erickson 1963

30. Optimal Resolution?
Reconcile cultural view of genetics with their experience
View genetics and family relationships in balance
Authenticity: their story not the parents
When people ask, ‘Who’s your real father?’ I … stop … and say, ‘My real father is the man who raised me’. That’s real to me… search for the donor is in no way a renunciation of the relationship…with him; it’s something else. There’s a sperm donor and a parenting father and these roles both exist. (McClelland 2008)

31. Conclusions
Early discussion is optimal and supports a process of integration at different stages
The meaning of the donor and his role in conception will be taken up at each stage of development
The role of donor in identity can change in adulthood
Lack of donor information can be serious impediment to identity development

32. Future Explorations Role of genetic siblings in identity development
Some offspring have discovered large numbers of donor-siblings, and some of these maintain regular contact with each other (Jadva et.al 2007)
Impact of large number of genetic siblings
on identity 32