1. Love – Throughout History, and today

2. Love, Dating and Marriage
What is love?
Is it “reality”? – universal, biological
Is it only in our imagination? – cultural, psychological
Who do we fall in love with?
Divine intervention?
Socially determined choice among a limited set of potential partners?
How do we fall in love?
Dating – what are we doing when we are dating?

3. How do you know whether you are in love?
Such as, never feeling hungry, becoming more happy and energetic, becoming more talkative than before and ever. But in a little time, since you start to think about that same person all the time, you recognize that the center of your world becomes her and she is the main reason for all those strange things.
Cure:
whenever i'm alone with you you make me feel like i am home again whenever i'm alone with you you make me feel like i am whole again whenever i'm alone with you you make me feel like i am young again whenever i'm alone with you you make me feel like i am fun again

4. Love is …
A strong emotional attachment among sexually mature individuals with some mixture of tenderness and sexual desire  Romantic love
Distinction between lust, romantic love, and attachment

5. Lust
Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.~ Mark Twain
And when you love someone you want him/her to be with you all the time.
Love is different from being attracted to the appearance of a person.

6. Facts of love
Certain parts of the brain become deactivated when we're in love:
areas linked with negative emotions, planning, critical social assessment, the evaluation of trustworthiness and fear
Certain parts of the brain become activated when we're in love:
areas that can also be activated with cocaine use
Lust is associated with dopamine (also activated by cocaine), norepinephrine (adrenalin), and serotonin (associated with various mental illnesses)
Attachment is associated with oxytocin (the feeling of peace and happiness)

7. Facts of Love – Part II
love is a very strong and complicated feeling that even mess with your health. some people don't eat (norepinephrine), some people eat a lot (dopamine), some can't think logically (serotonin), some feel very lucky, some feel cursed (dopamine)
Love is a very strong feeling that you cannot have control over it or you cannot manage it (dopamine)
Bon Jovi:
Every time I look at you, baby, I see something new That takes me higher than before and makes me want you more
It is about feeling alive, hopeful and that you can save the world/ manage to do whatever you want (norepinephrine)

8. Facts of Love: Part III Aerosmith: (Oxytocin)
I don't wanna miss one smile
I don't wanna miss one kiss
Well, I just wanna be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just wanna hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time
Don't wanna close my eyes
Shania Twain:
All we need is just the two of us my dreams came true because of you

9. “Emotion” Universal (biological) or cultural? Subjective or objective?
Universal biological bases
Culturally controlled expression
Subjective or objective?
Can they be observed or only experienced?

10. Love: Universal or Social/Cultural?
Among primitive societies there usually is no language for the word (emotion) “love.”
In medieval societies the word “love” was reserved for the love of God.
In Victorian Era (19th century) “love” was intensely private and not to be discussed in any shape or form in public.
In 20th century new world, love is an essential aspect of human experience that much thought and media are devoted to.
I think that love is a "test" that everyone should take in some part of their life (the age is not important) and hopefully pass the test

11. Expression of the emotion of “love”
Primitive societies
No expression formalized
Ritual love of nature or natural forces
Family formation as a means of organizing clan membership
Pre-Christian horticultural-agrarian societies
Family formation as a means of establishing lineage
“Love” as a game of sexual conquest – male privilege for adventure and sex
Emotional attachment towards the lineage and the state
Admiration, erotic yearning of beauty
Heterosexual or homosexual
The goal of love was not marriage

12. Expression of the emotion of “love”
Agrarian societies – post Christianity
Emotional (platonic) “love” towards God
All kinds of sexual love considered “evil”
Emotional love not advisable in marriage
Sexual “love” acceptable in marriage as a means of controlling sexual behavior
Women are owned and controlled by fathers and husbands
Woman’s love of her husband = her fidelity and obedience
Man’s love of her wife = protection and strict control

13. Expression of the emotion of “love”
Medieval (late agrarian) love
Marriages were more business affairs than love affairs
Lower class marriages depended on economic opportunities
Kiss was a symbol of loyalty
Love was reserved for an unattainable woman in aristocracy
Vowing subordination to the woman
It was part of life as a knight (military)
Knights often came for lower classes and were elevated to aristocracy because of their battle success
Lower class women were not appropriate targets of love
Adultery was a possible outcome

14. Expression of the emotion of “love”
Post industrial societies
Love must be experienced and expressed
The object of sexual love and emotional love must coincide
Love must be a long term emotion
Bryan Adams: She needs somebody, to tell her that it's gonna last forever
Love must be mutually felt:
I can not love someone who does not love me. It must be mutual.
However:
Sincere loyalty, affection, and care bestowed without obligation
I think love is to like someone without any expectations

15. Similarities of the experience of love
Love is culturally prescribed
Experience will depend on historical/social/cultural conditions
Experience will depend on gender
Similar emotional experiences are bred by similar practices

16. Love continuum Anomaly: laughable or tragic
Desirable: Necessary for marriage

17. How do societies control “love”
Child marriages
Seclusion of the sexes
Strict prescriptions for the choice of mates
Supervision of “love” by the family
Life cycle stage control
encouragement of love only at certain social-demographic stages of life

18. What happened to good love stories?
High love drama
Modern conditions for social restrictions on love do not exist
Remaining restrictions are not severe enough to make “high drama”
Romantic comedies
Based on social status violations

19. Durkheim’s theory of rituals
Face-to-face interaction
Focus on a common object
Shared emotional tone
High intensity interaction instrumental in intensifying the shared emotion
Emotionally charged symbols representing group membership
Delineation of “outsiders” and “insiders”

20. How do we fall in love? Love as a ritual
Interaction ritual, based on Durkheim’s theory of rituals
Face-to-face interaction
Focus on a common object
Shared emotional tone
High intensity interaction instrumental in intensifying the shared emotion
Symbols representing group membership
Consequences of violating symbols

21. Why doesn’t love last forever?
But I think you also get used to love because by the time passes you do not feel the same excitement anymore or you do not feel so strong

22. Ritual of love cannot last forever
Face-to-face interaction
Requirements of daily living
Focus on a common object
Other matters such as school or work requires shifting of focus
Shared emotional tone
High intensity interaction instrumental in intensifying the shared emotion
Lack of high intensity interaction will result in diminishing emotion
Symbols representing group membership
May be lasting with lasting consequences of violating symbols

23. WHO do we fall in love with?
Who do men fall in love with?
Who do women fall in love with?

24. Love as a process of exchange
Exchange between socially matched partners (propinquity and homophily)
Physical characteristics - attractiveness
Personality
Skills
Wealth
Proximity
The “value” of the partner must be approximately equal.
The subjective value of what each partner has to offer to the other

25. Love as a process of exchange
Finding some common discussible topics, finding pleasure in the same things and teaching one another new things that are not perceived before take times but the effort spent doing all things creates real and durable love.
Also I don’t believe that there is only one love for you which is horrible even think about like that. I think there are many people that you can fall in love with.

26. Properties that are valued by women
Provider-protector
Women are, on average more dependent on marriage than men
Companion
Long term relationship
Attractiveness

27. Properties that are valued by men
Potentially satisfactory sexual partner
Low level of need for long term commitment
Attractiveness
Men can afford “love at first sight”
Care-taker
Men expect certain returns to their economic support
Economic potential is not as important because of the expected roles in a relationship

28. Preferences – research on personal ads
Female preferences – from women’s ads
Financially secure
Affluent
Professional
Successful
Male preferences – from men’s ads
Attractive
Slender
Petite
Sexy
Full figure

29. Erich Goode’s research
Placed 4 ads in 4 papers
Beautiful, shapely, slender blonde, 5 ft 7 in, waitress, 30. ISO a man for lasting relationship. (668 responses; 160 per ad)
Handsome, athletic single male, broad shoulders, 6ft, 32, cab driver. ISO woman for lasting relationship. (15 responses, 4 per ad)
Successful woman lawyer, intelligent, financially secure, 30, average appearance. ISO man for lasting relationship. (240 responses; 60per ad)
Successful, financially secure, intelligent, single male, attorney, 32, average looking. ISO women for lasting relationship. (64 responses, 16 per ad)
Men respond to multiple ads

30. Resources Social status Wealth and future wealth
Personal attractiveness
Some personality characteristics

31. Attractiveness
High degree of consistency in ratings of individuals in terms of attractiveness
Culturally determined features
Correlation between independent judge’s ratings:
High degree of overestimation of one’s own attractiveness
Gender gap: men overestimate more than women
Women get more feedback
Highly attractive individuals overestimate less than others
Couples overestimate each other’s attractiveness
How do we judge attractiveness
Men: face, weight and how it is distributed
Women: Weight, face

32. How do women manage to “fall in love” with the right guy
Emotion work
The process of aligning one’s emotions with the dictates of the situation

33. Love is NOT blind
Social interactions occur among those of similar backgrounds
Social class restricts the “supply”
“Love” matches tend to occur between those who are similar
Homophily
Similarity in objective criteria
Education
Income
Religion
Similarity in “subjective” criteria
Attractiveness
Personality attributes

34. HOW do we fall in love: DATING
Why do we date?

35. Why do people date? Stated reasons: Actual reasons:
To get to know a person
To find out if a person is a suitable “match”
Actual reasons:
Short term relationships: ?
Long term relationships:?

36. Laner & Ventrone research: Men’s activities at dates
Asking for a date
Deciding on plans
Call the date on the day of the date
Prepare car
Get money
Get flowers
Pick up date
Pay bills
Open doors
Make affectionate/sexual moves
Take date back home

37. Laner & Ventrone research: Women’s activities at dates
Wait to be asked for a date
Buy new clothes
Take extra time to prepare
Wait for the date to arrive
Greet and introduce date to family
Eat light
Go to the bathroom to primp
Have ‘deep’ conversation
Call a friend to discuss the date

38. There are dating scripts
Cultural scripts – accepted and expected by all
Interpersonal scripts – accepted and expected about a specific person
Intrapsychic scripts – private expectations or wishes

39. Discussion
What kinds of relationships are built based on typical dating scripts?
How acceptable are alternative dating scripts?
Is the concept of “dating” compatible with egalitarian relationships?

40. Dating scripts and their significance
Agreement by both sexes
Definition of gender specific roles
Reinforcement of gender specific expectations
Elimination of the essential elements to know a potential partner

41. Dating as a scripted “game”
Set expectations
Set behaviors
Set activities
Set interactions
Set conclusion

42. Dating Advice – MSN.com: 5 things men love to hear on a date:
“Then what happened?”
“That is pretty impressive”
“Thank you”
“What do you do when you are not at work?”
“I’d like to get your opinion on something.”

43. Highlights of the reading on “5 things”
“That way, he’ll know you’re genuinely interested versus just being polite.”
 His adventure-filled life is interesting (probably more so than yours???)

44. Highlights of the reading on “5 things”
“if you feed his ego by applauding his efforts, you’ll make him feel like a king.”
 He needs to feel like a “king” (what do kings do?)

45. Highlights of the reading on “5 things”
“So, thank him when he tells you that you look pretty tonight. Thank him for paying for dinner.”
 Woman gets appreciated for beauty, man gets appreciated for disposable income?

46. Highlights of the reading on “5 things”
“convey that [you are] interested in getting a complete picture of him and not just what he does for his paycheck”
 Mislead the man to think that his activities other than earning a living matter????

47. Highlights of the reading on “5 things”
“It’s the damsel in the distress call, and it’s pure catnip for men”
 He will feel needed because of your lack of ability to think, reason, and solve problems???

48. Dating as a process of participating in the romantic markets
The idea of a marriage market
Search for a potential spouse
Negotiations for exchanges
Dissolution of attempted exchanges
Leads to an accurate assessment of one’s resources and opportunities

49. Marriage Market Supply Preferences Resources
Available men/women
Preferences
What do I want in a partner
Resources
What do I have that a partner may want
What will happen if preferences and resources are incompatible?

50. Dating as a process of participating in the romantic markets
The idea of a marriage market
Search for a potential spouse
Negotiations for exchanges
Dissolution of attempted exchanges
Leads to an accurate assessment of one’s resources and opportunities

51. Search process: dating
To 1900: Courtship
After 1900: Dating
Historical conditions in the US (immigration, urbanization)
Changes in the dynamics of the “search” process
Male control
Gender specific roles
After 1970: End of dating as a formal “search” process
Preservation of the “search” process leading to short-term relationships

52. Marriage Market Similar to a labor market
Matching people to jobs
Similar to a commodity market
Supply of goods
Demand of goods
Preferences for goods
Resources one has to purchase goods

53. Marriage Market Supply Preferences Resources
Available men/women
Preferences
What do I want in a partner
Resources
What do I have that a partner may want
What will happen if preferences and resources are incompatible?

54. Supply In general husbands are older than wives
Historical reasons  maximize fertility
Cultural reasons  Value of youth for attractiveness
Changing norms: In the US ¼ of brides are older than grooms
Supply problem for aberrant generations
Baby boom

55. Operation of the marriage market
It is a process of matching preferences and resources
Relationships tend to be most rewarding when resources of the two individuals match most closely
Stability of the relationship
Faithfulness of the partners
Mutual attentiveness of the partners
Everyone goes through the operations of the marriage markets
Uncertainties of the market make the process anxiety provoking

56. History of the patriarchal family and subordination of women
Before the rise of the large urban societies in the middle east, women were held in high esteem
Goddesses
Artifacts, burial sites, etc. (e.g., Catal Hoyuk)
With advancement of agriculture and food surplus:
Importance of increasing population
Warfare
Production
Importance of defense
Possibility of sustaining religious-ideological structures

57. Rise of Patriarchalism

58. History of the patriarchal family and subordination of women
Emergence of reproduction as something to be protected and maximized
High level of infant mortality
High level of adult mortality due to infectious diseases and warfare

59. Patriarchal social order
Patriarchal family is designed to guarantee the paternity of the heirs
Women’s sexuality becomes a property of men (father and husband)
Valuable
Can be traded as an object
Virginity becomes a negotiable property
Women’s status declined
No more goddesses

60. Examples of women as property
Code Hammurabi (1750 BC)
Women and children could be pawned for up to 3 years
A husband could beat and mutilate his wife in certain specified ways
A woman who was found to neglect her duties as a wife was punished by drowning
If a man raped a woman, his punishment was to have his wife raped
Rules about veiling
Veil indicated a wife or a daughter (off-limits property of a man)
Slaves and prostitutes could not veil (penalties were severe)
Veil indicated a woman’s place in the society which was determined by the man who was her patriarch

61. Examples of women as property
Harems
Size of the harem as an indicator of wealth
Darius  365 wives (300BC)
Sasanian  thousands ( AD)
Segregation of male and female spaces in households

62. Examples of women as property
Zoroastrianism (middle-eastern religion 1000BC-500AD)
Wife required to have total obedience to husband and will repeat that 9 times every morning
Wives must produce a male heir
If not, the daughter must produce one and give it to the father  a lower order marriage
If widowed, offspring of subsequent marriage belongs to the first husband
A man can loan his wife to a friend for a specific duration spelled out in a contract
“A woman is a field. All which grows there belongs to the owner even if he did not plant it.”

63. Examples of women as property
Classical Greek culture: Aristotle (350BC) – His teachings were presented as scientific truths in Arab and European civilizations
Purpose of marriage is to provide heirs
Female heir must produce a male heir to her father’s household
It is a social necessity that women are subordinated
Men rule over women as soul over body and rational over passionate
“A woman’s body is like an impotent male, for it is through a certain incapacity that the female is a female.”
Male contributes the soul to the offspring, the female only the flesh

64. Counter examples
Upper class women could own and manage property and enter into contracts
Women could be their husband’s deputy in managing property, household production and slaves
HOWEVER,
Rights and privileges entirely derived from the male to whom they were attached.

65. Christian ideology
Christian societies from very early on, clashed with other extant religions on gender issues:
Earlier religions  Women are defined by their sexuality and capacity to reproduce
Christianity  Chastity and virginity (marriage to God) as a way of serving God
Early Christians had major battle of ideologies over the sexuality of women
Zoroastrians pressured Christian nuns to denounce their virginity
Nuns resisted by martyrdom  a symbolic resistance (threat) to the present social order

66. Agrarian states – Gender stratification
Patriarchal system resulted in domination of women by men in marriage therefore in sexual activity (especially premarital)
Higher level of control over women was associated with more property (higher stakes in controlling sexual activity) – sign of status
Ideological importance of domination of women – women as agents of temptation, to be controlled for their own good
Symbols of domination became symbols of status – veils, binding of feet, female genital mutilation
In lower classes with limited property females were relatively free and relatively less dominated