1. Managing Conflict in Marriages and Families

2. Deciphering communication2

3. What is Relationship Conflict?
Everyday disagreements
Mismatch in expectations

4. What causes conflict in relationships?
Money
Sex
Children
Housework

5. Conflict is Healthy Conflict is inevitable
In a stable relationship, conflict occurs approximately twice a week
Happy couples have conflict
It is the absence of conflict that is unhealthy
BUT: Conflict management is crucial!!!

6. Characteristics of unhappy couples
GOTTMAN’s “love lab”
Relationship problems are due to absence of positivity and positive affect
And not the presence of negativity!
Gottman suggests that the ratio of Positivity to Negativity NEEDS TO BE 5:1

7. 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse (Gottman) “Predictors of divorce”
Criticism
‘You always” , “you never”
Defensiveness
Contempt – (best predictor of divorce)
“Strong feelings of disapproval and aversion toward what seems worthless”
Stonewalling
Avoidance and withdrawal
He later added: Belligerence
“provocation”

9. “4 Horsemen” Predicts divorce with 90% of accuracy
Research supports similar findings with gay and lesbian couples

10. What to do instead? Criticism complain without blame
Defensiveness take responsibility
Contempt feel & show appreciation
Stonewalling do physiological and psychological self-soothing

11. Other Common but ineffective ways of conflict management
Escalation
Mind reading/negative interpretations
Hearing things more negatively than is intended.
Believing the worst instead of the best in another.
Seeing what we expect to see .
Self-fulfilling prophecy
Gunnysacking

12. What happens when you avoid conflict?
Passive-aggression
Direct vs. Indirect expression of anger?
Often involves: Chronic criticism, nagging, nitpicking and sarcasm
Sabotage
Displacement

15. Gender differences in the “ring”
Report talk vs. rapport talk
Gender differences in how negativity is handled!
Female demand/male withdraw pattern
“The wife wants to resolve the disagreement so that she can feel CLOSER to her husband”
“The husband doesn’t see conflict as an opportunity for closeness, but for TROUBLE”

16. Ways to Communicate Effectively
Soft Start-Up
Let your partner know how you are feeling
Instead of expecting him/her to mind-read
Be consistent verbally and nonverbally
i.e. Rolling of the eyes

17. Active Listening aka: Speaker Listener technique
“I” statements
Paraphrasing
Giving feedback
Switch roles
Important rule: Only one person has ‘the floor’ at any given time.

19. Does active listening always work?
Research doesn’t support that it works
But LISTENER BACKCHANNELS are shown to work
Brief vocalizations, head nods, facial movement that convey an understanding

20. If things got too heated, it is time to
TAKE A TIME OUT!

23. More stuff on constructive communication…
When you have a complaint: talk about it in a structured way
XYZ statements
X: the effect on you, how you felt
Y: what the other person does
Z: the situation in which in happens

24. Ways to Communicate effectively cont’d
Choose carefully where and when to “fight”
When is a good time/place to fight?
Stay focused
Ask your partner what you can do differently next time
Winning is not the issue: Remember that you are a team and not opponents.
End the fight!

25. Magic Five Hours per week (Gottman)
Partings 2 minutes x 5 = :10
Reunions 20 minutes x 5 = 1:40
Admiration and Appreciation 5 minutes x 7 = :35
Affection 5 minutes x 7 = :35
Weekly Date 2 hours x 1 = 2:00
TOTAL: 5 hours/week