1. The Five Love Languages
A Taste of…
The Five Love Languages
By Spencer and Jennifer Dunlap

2. What are the 5 Love Languages?
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch

3. Words of Affirmation
-Verbal compliments: “You look great in that suit!”
-Words of appreciation: “Thank you for helping get the kids bathed tonight.”
-Encouraging or inspiring words: “You have a fascinating way of telling a story. You should publish some of them!”
-Showing empathy: Put yourself into his shoes when conversing with him. Don’t solve the problem.
-Kind words: Tone of voice is everything…say it with sweetness.
-Humble words: Make requests, not demands
-Indirect words of affirmation: “Your son is a great provider for our family”
-Affirming in front of others: “My husband here can grill steak better than any restaurant I know!”

4. Quality Time
A central aspect of Quality Time is togetherness—not proximity!
Involves:
Quality conversation
2 way
Learning to talk
being open with each other
Participating in quality activities
Join them in their world
No multi-tasking!!!

5. Receiving Gifts
To be an effective giver, you may need to change your attitude about money !
Methods:
Still need to be a good sterward….
Plan ahead financially
Gifts can be found, purchased, or made
Allowing your spouse to purchase something for himself or herself
Giving the gift of self (presence) in his or her time of crisis

6. Acts of Service Do-er: Must be done with a positive spirit.
Request-er: Request, never demand.
What we do for each other before marriage is no indication of what we will do after marriage.
Must be purposeful

7. Physical Touch Implicit-casual: putting hand on shoulder, hug
Explicit-demands more focused attention: massage / intercourse
Don’t insist on touching spouse in your way and in your time.
Sex for the man (especially) is a physical need, and thus may not necessarily fill your spouse’s emotional need.

8. SESSION 2

9. The Need to Feel Loved… Is a Primary Human Emotion It is Built In…
It is not our ONLY emotional need.
It is Built In…
Even Infants
Love is related to Security, Self-Worth, and Significance.
Security: when I am loved I can relax knowing that my lover will do me no ill. I feel secure in their presence. I may have enemies in other areas of my life, but with my spouse I feel secure. Love is not the answer to everything, but it does give us a sense of grounding and security. For instance, a couple that is focused on love, can disagree and still be secure. This is how you develop “safe fighting” habits in a relationship.
Self-Worth: fed by the fact that I AM loved, so I must be worth loving (despite what someone else has told me).
Significance: Life is driven by the desire for success. We want our lives to count for something. Feeling loved by a spouse enhances our sense of significance. If someone loves me, I must be significant.

10. Love Tanks We all have a set of “Love Tanks”.
Full = Happy, Fulfilled, Secure, Worthy, Significant.
Empty = anger, insecurity, disassociation, alienation of affection, wandering eyes, hearts, and minds.
Can be a source of “abuse”
Some tanks are bigger than others.
Different for Everyone
One or Two Primary (can morph)
Still Need all 5
See Diagram

11. What is my Primary Love Language?
What does he/she do or fail to do that hurts me most deeply? The opposite of this is probably your love language.
What have you most often requested of someone? The thing you ask for the most is likely the thing that would make you feel most loved.
In what ways do YOU regularly express your love to others? Your method of expressing love may be an indication that would also make you feel loved.

12. What is his or her Love Language?
What action of mine upsets or hurts spouse/others the most?
What does he/she complain about?
What requests or favors does my spouse/others ask of me the most?
In what ways does my spouse/others regularly express love to me?
What does my significant other complain about?
What do they ask about the most?

13. What if I Still Can’t Figure it out?
2 Possible Reasons:
Your love tanks are very full.
Your love tanks are very empty.
***Need to take the test.
FULL = needs are met (don’t take it for granted…love tanks drain)
EMPTY = Not uncommon What other stressors are distracting you?
---It may just be a season
---Need open dialogue
---DO NOT GO SEEK IT FROM SOMEONE ELSE. And If you feel like someone else is filling one or more of these for you in an intimate/inappropriate was…..run! Affairs start in the mind. Emotional Affairs open people up for a physical affair.
---Ask God to fill you and fulfill you

14. Radical Behvior
Understanding the Five Love Languages, and Learning how to “Speak” the primary Love Language of your Spouse or Significant Other, MAY radically affect his or her behavior.
Understanding the 5LL and learning to speak the primary LL of your spouse or S.O. may (probably) radically affect his/her behavior.
With God, all things are possible. Go into this expecting great things.

15. Love is a Choice….
Poor choices in the past don’t mean that we can’t make good ones in the future.
The “in love experience” is different from the “emotional need for love.”
Demonstrating an action of love for your spouse that doesn’t come naturally to you is an even greater expression of love. (purposeful, must invest time/yourself)
The choice to love is sometimes made in the face of negative feelings.
Choice to love is sometimes made in the face of negative feelings.
Q: Can you love an un-lovely person? Can you love someone you think you hate?
--SEE Luke 6:27-28, 31-32
What could happen if we chose to REALLY love? Would they love back? Is it worth it? When a relationship is in BIG TROUBLE: --emotional side says, “go” / religious side says, “stay”. --staying or going will both involve pain. SO, we choose to do what Jesus says – choose to love…even our enemy.
If you feel emotionally empty, your spouse likely does as well. HYPOTHESIS: If you “love” your significant other well for 6 months, this person will reciprocate. It’s on you 100% for a season. ----Luke 6:38 ”Give and it will be given to you” – not a way to manipulate, but a way to choose love. This is not a guarantee. The PREMISE of the ENTIRE Book: Our need for love is our deepest emotional need. When the need is being met we tend to respond positively to the person giving it.
You have to show love even if you do not feel it. This is why choosing sex with your spouse is important, even when you don’t feel it.
“LOVE IS A MIRACLE WORKER”