1. Parenting and Shame
Married 29 years; two children 20 & 14; interest in the topic of shame was at first personal & later professional (pastoral counselor)

2. Parenting and Shame Definitions – this can get confusing
This is a confusing area often because of how people use terms related to shame and guilt

3. Parenting and Shame
Shame – the negative feeling of being exposed and found lacking by another Guilt - the negative feeling of having done something wrong to another
Most of my focus today is going to be on shame and guilt, so let’s define these terms
Give examples of situational shame; situational guilt

4. Parenting and Shame
Shame – the negative feeling of being exposed and found wanting by another Guilt - the negative feeling of having done something wrong to another
You can see, right away, an important difference between these feelings – the object of attention is either self or another
You may also see that guilt is the more helpful of the two emotions for moral development and that shame could negatively affect emotional development.

5. Parenting and Shame
Shame – the negative feeling of being exposed and found wanting by another
Guilt - the negative feeling of having done something wrong to another
Shame prone – having frequent & intense shame responses.
Guilt prone – having guilt responses when doing wrong.
It’s possible to have an overly sensitive conscience (overly scrupulous) but I’m going to limit my definition for a couple of reasons: an overly scrupulous person may really be a shame prone person and acting overly scrupulous is a defense mechanism block the criticism of others because, ‘Hey look! I am harder on myself than anyone could ever be’.
What about ‘bad’ guilt?

6. Parenting and Shame
Shame – the negative feeling of being exposed and found wanting by another
Guilt - the negative feeling of having done something wrong to another
Shame prone – having frequent & intense shame responses.
Guilt prone – having guilt responses when doing wrong (conscience).
Being shame prone has no correlation with good behavior…this shouldn’t be surprising because shame is self-focused.

7. Parenting and Shame Definitions Causes of these secondary emotions
Attachment
Primary emotions: anger, sadness, happiness, agitation, fear exist at birth

8. touch, eye contact, vocalizations induce patterned neuronal activity in the infant brain leading to attachment
this takes time, attention, consistent/predictable nurturing (food, comfort, warm relating)
locus – brainstem, diencephalon & limbic system
interrupted attachment (parental depression, violence, distraction) disconnected; sees others as distant; don’t form connections with others.
neurobiology of pleasure connected to relationships in healthy attachment
no attachment; no feeling for the other; sees others as objects; can be violent & aggression
indicators: remorseless behavior; unmoved by positive or negative relational feedback; cannot be shaped by the reactions of others (stand-off-ishness may be shyness or comfort with social isolation not attachment problems)
with these types of kids (shy/detached) it is important that they not be allowed to stay withdrawn or they will act immature in how they relate to kids when they do venture out

9. Parenting and Shame Definitions Formation of secondary emotions
Attachment
Self- awareness (~2 ½ years old)
Secondary emotions begin to develop
Pride – Guilt
Hubris – Shame
Entitlement – Self-pity

10. Parenting and Shame Definitions Formation of secondary emotions
Attachment
Self- awareness (~2 ½ years old)
Mimicry (mirror neurons {1-8})

11. Parenting and Shame Definitions Formation of secondary emotions
Causes of shame proneness
Temperament
Gender
Losses
Abnormalities
Associations
Abuse
Shaming forms of discipline
Generalizing from specific behaviors; humiliation; swearing; yelling; sarcasm; public correction

12. Parenting and Shame Implications for parenting
Developmental priorities
Help them feel appropriate pride.
Help them feel appropriate guilt.

13. Emotional/moral features
Age
Emotional/moral features
Parenting priorities
0-1
Feel primary emotions: happy, sad, angry, fear, etc.; infant anticipates the actions of others;
Attachment is critically important. It is the basis for later self-regulation.
Parental priority – nurture & unconditional positive regard

14. Emotional/moral features
Age
Emotional/moral features
Parenting priorities
0-1
Feel primary emotions: happy, sad, angry, fear, etc.; infant anticipates the actions of others;
Attachment is critically important. It is the basis for later self-regulation.
Parental priority – nurture
2-3
1 ½ - 2 self-awareness begins and with that the beginning of secondary emotions. Children begin to imitate mothers.
Between now and 8 trying to distinguish guilt from shame does not work well.
Provide natural consequences for negative behaviors and rewards for positive ones; help them repair damage.
Practice empathy toward them and toward others in front of them.

15. Emotional/moral features
Age
Emotional/moral features
Parenting priorities
0-1
Feel primary emotions: happy, sad, angry, fear, etc.; infant anticipates the actions of others;
Attachment is critically important. It is the basis for later self-regulation.
Parental priority – nurture
2-3
1 ½ - 2 self-awareness begins and with that the beginning of secondary emotions. Children begin to imitate mothers.
Between now and 8 trying to distinguish guilt from shame does not work.
Provide natural consequences for negative behaviors and rewards for positive ones; help them repair damage.
Practice empathy toward them and toward others in front of them.
4-5
They do not attribute secondary emotions
Continue with the previous actions

16. Emotional/moral features
Age
Emotional/moral features
Parenting priorities
0-1
Feel primary emotions: happy, sad, angry, fear, etc.; infant anticipates the actions of others;
Attachment is critically important. It is the basis for later self-regulation.
Parental priority – nurture
2-3
1 ½ - 2 self-awareness begins and with that the beginning of secondary emotions. Children begin to imitate mothers.
Between now and 8 trying to distinguish guilt from shame does not work.
Provide natural consequences for negative behaviors and rewards for positive ones; help them repair damage.
Practice empathy toward them and toward others in front of them.
4-5
They do not attribute secondary emotions
Continue with the previous actions
6-7
They attribute secondary emotions to protagonists in stories but mainly if a parent is the evaluator in the story

17. Emotional/moral features
Age
Emotional/moral features
Parenting priorities
0-1
Feel primary emotions: happy, sad, angry, fear, etc.; infant anticipates the actions of others;
Attachment is critically important. It is the basis for later self-regulation.
Parental priority – nurture
2-3
1 ½ - 2 self-awareness begins and with that the beginning of secondary emotions. Children begin to imitate mothers.
Between now and 8 trying to distinguish guilt from shame does not work.
Provide natural consequences for negative behaviors and rewards for positive ones; help them repair damage.
Practice empathy toward them and toward others in front of them.
4-5
Do not attribute secondary emotions
Continue with the previous actions
6-7
They attribute secondary emotions to protagonists in stories but mainly if a parent is the evaluator in the story 8+
Feels primary and secondary emotions; attributes secondary emotions to protagonists in stories.
Criticize bad behavior and notice the impact of their behavior on others.
Focus praise on the quality of their efforts and on the quality of their work

18. Parenting and Shame Implications for parenting
Developmental priorities
Help them manage situational shame.
Admitting shame
Specifying shame
Redirecting attention outward
Admitting shame – very young children can’t process the emotion cognitively; non-verbal empathy & the use of simple terms (that feels yucky doesn’t it?); listening is important with older kids (instructing/advising is not listening); helping them attach terms to what they’re feeling

19. Parenting and Shame Implications for parenting
Developmental priorities
Help them manage situational shame.
Guide them through intrinsic shame.

20. Parenting and Shame
Questions?
Comments?