1. COUPLES BOUNDARY WORKSHOP
REV. DANIEL GOWAN AND DR. DINA HIJAZI

2. TODAY’S OBJECTIVES Understand the Developing Child Model
Review the role of boundaries in relationship
Describe the adaptations to dysfunctional environments
Explain the Karpman Triangle
Understand the roles of the DramaTriangle
Explain the tools required to get out of the Triangle
Apply the principals of the Drama Triangle to couples’ everyday issues
PRACTICE THE TOOLS TO EXIT AND STAY OFF THE TRIANGLE!

3. DEVELOPING CHILD MODEL
Functional Growth and Maturity
Natural Stages of Development
Dysfunctional Growth and Immaturity
Adapted Stages of Development
Healthy Child
Adolescent
Healthy Adult
Shamed Child
Adapted Acting In/Out Adolescent
Dysfunctional Adult (Symptomatic)

4. PRIMARY NEEDS Food Shelter Nurturing/ Interaction Clothing Safety
Touch

5. Our number one primary need after our basic survival needs are met is
ACCEPTANCE
Our number one primary need after our basic survival needs are met is
ACCEPTANCE!
This requires
Affirmation, Limit Setting and Nurturance

6. BOUNDARIES 1. CONTAINMENT: protect others from self
2. PROTECTION: protect self from others
Without boundaries there is blame, confusion, chaos, lack of responsibility taking, and lack of intimacy.1

7. TOXIC SHAME TOXIC SHAME is the feeling that our existence is a mistake
In dysfunctional homes, the primary dynamic often present was failure to separate a child’s behaviors from their worth
If you made a mistake, you were the mistake

8. HEALTHY SHAME
Tells us that we did something shameful, NOT that we ARE worth-Iess
Allows us to recognize our human-ness
It’s the energy that helps us contain ourselves so that we don’t become offensive

9. HEALTHY VS TOXIC SHAME I made a mistake vs I am a mistake
A slight sense of embarrassment vs I want to die and crawl in a hole
I see my humanness vs I am completely cut- off/different/less than

10. SHAMED CHILD
Growing up in a consistently shaming, non- nurturing environment, leads to the formation of an inner shame core- the fuel for our belief system that we are flawed and unworthy
Child has a lack of boundaries-feels too vulnerable
Child is identified as bad or rebellious
Child feels too dependent
Overwhelmed, flooded and dissociative
Disempowered or Falsly Empowered

11. ADAPTATIONS OF THE SHAMED CHILD
1. PERPETRATOR – bully, critical,
dominating, insulting, ANGRY
2. RESCUER – hero, martyr, helper, fixer selfless, FEARFUL
3. VICTIM – helpless, hopeless, trapped, ashamed, powerless, SAD

13. THE DRAMA TRIANGLE!
Intensity substitutes for intimacy
Communication is blaming
Intensity is confused with connection
The triangle is always an attempt to get our needs met, but we usually stay stuck and pay a big price

14. THE DRAMA TRIANGLE IS EVERYWHERE!

15. Principles of Healthy Relationships
1. Who is responsible for getting your needs met?
2. Is it OK to ask for help getting your needs met?
3. Where/How do you get your needs met?
4. Is your partner responsible for meeting your needs?
5. When is it ok to say no? Or Yes?
6. How do you relate in a relationship?

17. STAY ON THE TRIANGLE AND STAY IN A CONFLICTED RELATIONSHIP

18. STEP OFF THE TRIANGLE AND INTO RELATIONSHIP

19. THANK YOU FOR COMING! Things to remember:
1. The Bully needs to learn the skill of empathy, to learn the skill of assertion and to begin to challenge (Personal Trainer)
2. The Rescuer needs to learn to say ‘NO’, to listen and to affirm
3. The Victim needs to learn problem solving skills, and to identify and ask for what they want
THE FASTEST WAY OFF THE TRIANGLE IS TO RECOGNIZE AND IDENTIFY WHAT IT IS THAT YOU WANT. NOT WHAT YOU DON’T WANT!