1. Developing our sexual selves
The Art of desire
Developing our sexual selves

2. Questions
In your relationship (if you are in one), would you characterize yourself as the Higher Desire Partner or the Lower Desire Partner? (Use poll box to answer.)
If this course were to be the most helpful to you, what would it address? (Please type a response into the chat window.)

3. Stereotypes of women’s sexuality
Women have less sexual capacity than men.
Women are naturally less interested in sex (if they are good women, that is).
Women are happy to accommodate their husbands’ desire (if they are good women, that is).

4. Women and Low Desire Often true that women feel less desire:
Many women feel alienated from their sexuality
Do not feel at home in their bodies
Do not feel a sense of ownership of their sexuality
Relate to their sexuality through accommodation
Or NON-accommodation.

5. A WomAn’s relationship to Her sexualitY:
Expressed as fending him off.

6. Sources of Sexual Desire Problems
1. Medical / Physical Issues
2. Insufficient Stimulation
3. The meanings attributed to one’s sexuality and sexual relationship.
( Dr. David Schnarch)

7. Meaning and sexuality
The meanings attributed / created during sex STRONGLY determine how our bodies respond.
Uniquely human capacity
Allows us to “make love” not just reproduce.
Capacity of eroticism is uniquely human.
The meaning you attribute to being touched has far more effect on how arousing it will be to you, than the technique

8. Cultural Meanings as Latter-Day Saints
Positive (gospel):
Our sexuality is God-given.
We believe in embodied Parents in Heaven.
The body is essential to our spiritual development.
Our sexuality is fundamental to our spiritual and relational maturation.
Negative (cultural):
Double standard around sexuality and the Law of Chastity.

9. Dissertation Research Women’s sexual agency in patriarchal culture : The case of Mormon women
Assessed LDS women’s sexual agency before and after marriage:
Sexual Agency: The ability to act on one’s behalf in the sexual realm.
Feminist Critique: Patriarchies undermine women’s sexual agency:
Primary mechanism of oppression is an ideology of gender roles (definitions of who men and women “naturally” are).

10. Ideology of Gender Differences:
Women’s are naturally less sexual than men.
Sexual desire is “unfeminine”
Women’s sexuality is passive / receptive
Men are naturally sexual.
Men’s sexual desire by contrast is urgent and pressing
Men DESIRE (Agentic) : Women should be DESIRABLE (Non-agentic).

11. HOW TO BE “DESIRABLE”
Do not explore or integrate one’s sexuality / eroticism (unfeminine).
Do not become sexually “used” (impure).
Be physically attractive : Meet cultural standards of slenderness and fitness.
Put your needs second to others:
Be selfless and soft-spoken.

12. DESIRABILITY FOCUS UNDERMINES OUR STRENGTH
Fosters external self-reference
Looking for approval / validation
Being “enough” for others becomes our focus
Fosters non-identification with self-knowledge and desire
What do I want?
What do I believe?
What do I value?
Fosters non-identification with our bodies / sexuality
My body/sexuality belongs to a future spouse

13. Does this critique adequately represent Mormon women’s experiences?
YES AND NO
YES
Majority of women expressed themes of non-agency
Inhibition of sexual desire (excessive guilt and control)
Internalized double standard
Femininity and eroticism incompatible
Sexuality more excusable in men
Felt disproportionately responsible if sexuality went too far pre-maritally
Struggled to set limits while being “nice”.

14. Does this critique adequately represent Mormon women’s experiences?
YES
Sexual decision-making in reference to male validation, not their own desires and moral commitments.
Clear notions that sexuality is a mechanism to take care of men
Women’s pleasure for it’s own sake not valid.
Struggled after marriage to desire because sex is about duty.
Your sexuality is not yours, it is something you offer men.

15. Does this critique adequately represent Mormon women’s experiences?NO
Saw Law of Chastity as a standard that worked to their benefit
Pressured men to bring commitment to marriage / family life
Believed sexual liberalism was a net-negative for women.
Fostered trust.

16. Does this critique adequately represent Mormon women’s experiences?NO
Saw Law of Chastity as a gender-neutral expectation
Stripped law of chastity of any cultural double standard
Same standard expected of both men and women.
Did not hesitate to defend their own desires while dating.
Did not believe they owed men caretaking at their own expense.
Did not remain chaste to earn a future man’s respect.
No imbalance in decision-making power or access to divine inspiration. Collaborative couples.

17. Does this critique adequately represent Mormon women’s experiences?
LDS WOMEN WITH SEXUAL AGENCY
UNCOUPLED
SEXUAL CONSERVATISM (the Law of Chastity)
FROM SEXISM.
(All are alike unto God).

18. Less healthy expressions of agency
Agency expressed as resistance to subjugation
Duty but no passion.
(I’ll give you my body but not my heart).
Invert gender role script
Agency expressed as “losing desire” (once married).
Look for caretaker in husband.
Sexless marriage is a quiet rebellion.
BIG PROBLEM: Requires DISOWNERSHIP of one’s sexuality, fundamental part of self-hood.

19. The art of desire
Mormon women have generally not learned the art of desire.
Strong discourse of SHOULDS
REFLECTED SENSE OF SELF:
Seeking the validation of others
Not a function of strength
Undermines self-knowledge, clarity and strength
Sets women up for depression and low desire sexually.

20. The Virtue of desire
To be strong women, to be a source of strength in our relationships, we must claim, uncover and develop what we want.
Virtue in desire:
Desire as an authentic expression of ourselves

21. The Virtue of desire HEALTHY DESIRE is a deep form of self-expression
It expresses and exposes who we are
HEALTHY DESIRE is not mere self-indulgence or impulsivity.
HEALTHY DESIRE is experiencing wanting without being consumed by the need for a particular outcome.
Strength in tolerating a lack of control, while controlling ourselves.

22. HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT Explore your relationship to sexual agency
Have you internalized a sexual double standard?
How has it affected you?
What has your relationship to desire (sexual and otherwise) been?
What is your relationship to desire (in general)?
We will discuss desire, selfhood and strength and how these relate to our sexuality in more depth next week