1. 04/06/2018
Eva Musby
Practical mealtime skills and emotional tools for parents of children and adolescents 
A one and a half hour workshop to be led by Eva Musby at EDIC on 19 March 2016
Title: Practical mealtime skills and emotional tools for parents of children and adolescents
Speaker: Eva Musby, Parent and author of Anorexia and other eating disorders - how to help your child eat well and be well"
Description: 
Principles and some practice to increase your resilience and compassion, communicate mindfully and tune up your skills in supporting your child through meals and other challenges. This session will also be helpful to clinicians. I am a parent, I write for parents, and I use principles inspired from mindfulness, nonviolent communication, and family-based treatment.
evamusby.co.uk
pinterest.com/evamusby
facebook.com/EvaMusby

2. www.evamusby.co.uk/EDIC2016 www.evamusby.co.uk 04/06/2018 About me
Please give me feedback – web page for more info:
Questions: now, plus more help on web, my book, YouTube
Confidentiality; Privacy please

3. Connect www.evamusby.co.uk 04/06/2018
Around the dinner table forum and various facebook groups

4. You are a good friend of mine. Jot down short sentences with
04/06/2018
“Look, to be honest I don’t have time for your fundraising event. And with all due respect, your church roof is nothing compared to what I have to deal with with my mum’s Alzheimer’s.
Every day she rings me about something she’s not coping with, or she wants my company. Every day, hours of my time go into caring for her. I’m seriously stressed out!
And to top it all, this afternoon she pointed to a photo of me when I was six, and she asked who it was.
Anyway, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t make such a drama about it. Everyone’s parents are getting old. We all just do the best we can, right? Hey ho!”
You are a good friend of mine. Jot down short sentences with
What you might say to me or enquire about
What you might do
Exercise to bring out principles of effective, compassionate communication.
3 minutes to jot down some responses, then I ask for those and direct people to the poster that covers that principle

5. Validate Normalise Our common humanity
Observe
04/06/2018
Pause
Thoughts
with Kindness
COMPASSION
Feelings
Validate Normalise Our common humanity
Physical
What matters
These are the posters I will reveal once I have collected people’s responses and asked them to stand in front of them

6. Bad Stuff 04/06/2018 Why all this focus on compassion?
Two places your mind can be when bad stuff happens (real or perceived bad stuff)
Limbic area of brain: closes down, makes you reactive and less able to think – only useful to help zebra get away from lion.
Same for your child.

7. Feelings Compassion 04/06/2018
Thoughts usually bring feelings: sadness, anger, fear
They’re in your body.
As you notice how your body experiences them, and accept the sensations, they usually move on.
Feelings always pass. (This is important for your child to know at mealtimes)
Distress is about the future, so stay in the present

8. 04/06/2018
The compassionate state:
Biologically designed to respond to kindness. Oxytocin.
Biology of compassion is just as strong as the fight-or-flight biology.
Doesn’t require willpower, but a shift in attention.

9. 04/06/2018
The compassionate state is connected with others, with the world

10. 04/06/2018
Art, humour, the bigger picture – all emotions of the compassionate state
(Picture: Sempe, New Yorker 1988)

11. What really matters to you?
04/06/2018
What really matters to you?
Core values
Deepest wishes
Life-enhancing
What touches your soul
Needs – what matters: strengths, core values, deep human needs etc
What gives you inner power, what makes life meaningful.
This is what to focus on

12. Verbal compassion (what to say to your child)
04/06/2018
Verbal compassion (what to say to your child)
Explaining verbal compassion next

13. “I’m not eating this!”(etc)
04/06/2018 v
“I’m not eating this!”(etc)
Verbal compassion
Compassion for your child
Compassion for yourself v
Silent compassion
Where verbal compassion fits in

14. “I’m not eating this!”(etc)
04/06/2018 v
Verbal compassion
“I’m not eating this!”(etc)
Do not argue with the chatterbox. It’s not telling the deeper truth. It comes from fight-or-flight. Need compassion to move it out and for logic to start being of any use

15. VERBAL COMPASSION Pause Thoughts Feelings Validate Normalise
Observe
Pause
Thoughts
“You’re saying that…”
with Kindness
Feelings
“I wonder if you’re… ?”
“That sounds really tough…”
“I really feel for you…”
“I’m sorry it’s so hard for you…”
“I wish I could take away your suffering”
“I love you”
Validate
Normalise
Our common humanity
“I would feel like that too if…”
“People with an ED often feel like this”
Physical
(hug)
What matters
“I wonder if you really want…?”
“Sounds like you so hope for… ?”
“Is it that you wish that…?”
“What is it about X that really matters to you?”
“If you had X, what would that give you?”
VERBAL COMPASSION

16. Self-compassion

17. Compassion 04/06/2018 Tools to reach a compassionate state fast.
Mindfulness + kindness (“OK”)
You become a kind observer

18. 04/06/2018
Place of compassion is like the clarity and vastness of the sky above the turmoil of clouds (

19. 04/06/2018
Or (your reactions to bad stuff – thoughts, feelings) are
like waves at the surface of the ocean, whereas your compassionate state is the whole, deep, calm ocean. (

20. ARGHHH! Compassion for your child Compassion for yourself v
04/06/2018 v
ARGHHH!
Verbal compassion
Compassion for your child
Compassion for yourself v
Silent compassion
Where compassion fits in

21. 04/06/2018
Self-help is not the whole picture. Seek out compassion from other people! We are social human beings needing connection.
This slide also reminds us of benefit of physical gestures of affection (Kristin Neff’s self-compassion stuff)

22. SELF-COMPASSION Pause Thoughts Feelings
Observe
04/06/2018
Pause
Thoughts
“I’m telling myself that…”
with Kindness
SELF-COMPASSION
Feelings
Soak in the kindness
Validate Normalise Our common humanity
Physical
What matters
“May I have…”
“May we all have…
Self-compassion exercise

23. Silent Compassion for your child

24. “I’m not eating this!”(etc)
04/06/2018 v
“I’m not eating this!”(etc)
Verbal compassion
Compassion for your child
Compassion for yourself v
Silent compassion
Where silent compassion fits in

25. SILENT COMPASSION Pause Thoughts Feelings
Observe
04/06/2018
Pause
Thoughts
“She’s telling herself that…”
with Kindness
Feelings
“I wonder if she’s feeling…”
Validate Normalise Our common humanity
Physical
Send warmth, light
What matters
“I wonder if he needs…”
“May she have…”
SILENT COMPASSION
All the posters are useful for silent compassion but simplify by sticking to feelings and needs:
“What’s going on for my child right now?”

26. Expressing yourself

27. Arghhh!!! Compassion for your child Compassion for yourself
04/06/2018 v v
Express what matters to you
Arghhh!!!
Verbal compassion
Compassion for your child
Compassion for yourself v
Silent compassion
Self-compassion
Where requests/expressing yourself come in

28. Expressing yourself Pause Thoughts Feelings My request
Observe
04/06/2018
Pause
Thoughts
Chatterbox
with Kindness
Feelings
“I’m feeling … because I …”
Validate Normalise Our common humanity
Physical
(hug)
What matters to me
“I really, really want…”
“I care so much about…”
“This really matters to me...”
Expressing yourself
My request
“Would you be willing to…”
“Please would you…”
“How would it be for you to….”
“I would love it if …”
To express what’s going on for you, or to make a request, stick to NEEDS (“what matters to me”)
It’s a little risky to express your feelings – less risky if you make sure you explain they’re because of some need in you, not because of your child
Otherwise child feels guilty about parents’ feelings
Do NOT express your chatterbox – only your therapist can hear that! If your chatterbox comes out, explain you’re in fight-or-flight and that you are really trying to be yourself again.

29. ‘Connect before you correct’ or ‘Empathy before education’
04/06/2018
‘Connect before you correct’ or ‘Empathy before education’
Signs the other person feels understood:
Relaxed
Calmer, standing taller
Runs out of steam
Sigh, yawn
Tears
Requests, suggestions, information and education are only really heard once the other person feels understood

30. What to say, what not to say…
04/06/2018
What to say, what not to say…
Speak from a place of compassion
And the rest will fall in place
(so don’t speak like a robot, or worry you’ll say the wrong thing)

31. Arghhh!!! Compassion for your child Compassion for yourself
04/06/2018 v v
Express what matters to you
Arghhh!!!
Verbal compassion
Compassion for your child
Compassion for yourself v
Silent compassion
Self-compassion
Recap of all the places that you keep circling through as required

32. Mealtime etc Your feelings My request What matters to you Validate
04/06/2018
Your feelings
“That sounds really tough…”
“I really feel for you…”
“I’m sorry it’s so hard for you…”
“I wish I could take away your suffering”
“I love you”
What matters to you
“I wonder if you really want… ?”
“Sounds like you so hope for… ?”
“Is it that you wish that…?”
“What is it about X that really matters to you?”
“If you had X, what would that give you?”
Validate
“I would feel like that too if…”
“People with an ED often feel like this”
Physical
(hug)
Mealtime etc
What matters to me
“I really, really want…”
“I care so much about…”
“This really matters to me...”
My request
“Would you be willing to…”
“Please would you…”
“How would it be for you to….”
I would love it if …”
Prompt sheet of verbal compession and self-expression for mealtime scenario

33. 04/06/2018
Eva Musby
Practical mealtime skills and emotional tools for parents of children and adolescents 
The end
evamusby.co.uk
pinterest.com/evamusby
facebook.com/EvaMusby