1. Revising Business Messages
CHAPTER 4
Revising Business Messages

2. The Writing Process

3. Proofreading Revising
Improving content and
sentence structure
May involve adding,
cutting, and recasting.
Proofreading
Revising
Correcting grammar,
spelling, punctuation,
format, and mechanics

4. Memo Revised for Conciseness

5. Concise Wording Instead of this Try this We are of the opinion that
Revise your messages to eliminate flabby expressions.
Instead of this
We are of the opinion that
Please feel free to
In addition to the above
At this point in time
Despite the fact that
Try this
We think
Please
Also
Now
Although

6. Limit Long Lead-Ins Instead of this Try this
This memo is to inform you that all employees meet today.
I am writing this letter to say thanks to everyone who voted.
Try this
All employees meet today.
Thanks to everyone who voted.

7. Drop Unnecessary Fillers
Revise sentences to avoid fillers such as there is/was and it is/was when used merely to take up space.
Instead of this
There was only one employees who should be promoted.
It was Lisa and Jeff who were honored.
Try this
Only one employee should be promoted.
Lisa and Jeff were honored.

8. Revise the following sentences to avoid flabby expressions, long lead-ins, and unnecessary there is/it is fillers.
This message is to inform you that there is a new health benefit plan available for employees.
A new health benefit plan is available for employees.
Quick Check
I would like to take this opportunity to inform everyone that in all probability we expect to win the contract.
We probably will win the contract.

9. Quick Check Revise the following sentences to achieve conciseness.
In addition to the above, there are contracts that are attached hereto.
Two contracts are also attached.
Quick Check
Despite the fact that most information is posted on the company intranet, please feel free to call whenever necessary.
Although most information is posted on the company intranet, please call whenever necessary.

10. Remove Redundant Words
Avoid unnecessarily repetitious words. What words could be omitted in these expressions?
advance warning close proximity exactly identical filled to capacity final outcome
necessary requisite new beginning past history refer back serious danger

11. Remove Redundant Words
Avoid unnecessarily repetitious words. What words could be omitted in these expressions?
advance warning close proximity exactly identical filled to capacity final outcome
necessary requisite new beginning past history refer back serious danger

12. Dump Trite Expressions
Trite and Outdated
as per your request
pursuant to your request
attached hereto
under separate cover
Modern
at your request
attached
separately

13. Jargon Computer Jargon queue export bandwidth
Avoid technical terms and special terminology that readers would not recognize.
Computer Jargon queue export bandwidth
Alternative list of documents waiting to be printed transfer data from one program to another Internet capacity
Is jargon ever permissible?

14. Slang
Avoid slang (informal expressions with arbitrary or extravagantly changed meanings).
to “bag on” clueless turkey chill/chill out
to tease, to nag, or to complain unaware, naïve someone stupid or silly relax

15. Slang
An example from the world of Dilbert:

16. Clichés Instead of this
Avoid clichés (overused expressions). Substitute more precise words.
Instead of this
Last but not least, you should keep your nose to the grindstone.
We had reached the end of our rope.
Try this
Finally, you should work diligently.
We could go no further.

17. Revise the following sentences to avoid redundancies, trite business expressions, jargon, and slang.
Last but not least, the attorney referred back to an exactly identical case.
Quick Check
Finally, the attorney referred to an identical case.
With a little advance warning, we could have sold out before our stocks tanked.
With warning, we could have sold out before our stocks hit bottom.

18. Revise the following sentences to avoid redundancies, trite business expressions, jargon, and slang.
Ms. Miller, who shoots straight from the shoulder, demanded final completion by January 1.
Ms. Miller, who is straightforward, demanded completion by January 1.
Pursuant to your request, enclosed please find a check for $150.
As you requested, a check for $150 is enclosed.

19. Buried Verbs Tip Revise verbs that have been converted to nouns.
Look for words ending in
tion or ment. Could they
be more efficiently and
forcefully converted to verbs?
Tip

20. Buried Verbs Instead of this Try this
The manager came to the realization that telecommuting made sense.
A job seeker must make application before May 1.
Try this
The manager realized that telecommuting made sense.
A job seeker must apply before May 1.

21. Buried Verbs Instead of this Try this
Once we have the establishment of a Web site, our business will grow.
Please give serious consideration to a company intranet.
Try this
Once we establish a Web site, our business will grow.
Please seriously consider a company intranet.

22. Control Exuberance Excessive
To sound credible, don’t overuse intensifiers such as very, definitely, quite, completely, extremely, really, actually, and totally
Excessive
The manager is actually quite pleased with your proposal because the plan is definitely workable.
Businesslike
The manager is pleased with your proposal because the plan is workable.

23. Precise Words
Revise your writing to include precise words. Strive for specific verbs, concrete nouns, and vivid adjectives. Beware of unclear pronouns.
Unclear
The man asked for a raise.
An employee presented a proposal.
More Precise
Jeff Jones asked for a 10 percent salary increase.
Kelly Keeler, production manager, presented a plan to stagger hours.

24. Precise Words Instead of this
Revise your writing to include descriptive, dynamic adjectives instead of overworked, all-purpose ones.
Instead of this
They thought her report was good.
She said she would get in touch.
Try this
The management council thought Erin’s report was factual and well written.
Sheila said she would send you an .

25. In the following sentences, unbury verbs and control exuberance.
The seller said he definitely would contact you.
Quick Check
The seller promised to (telephone or fax) you.
We must give encouragement to our team.
We must encourage our team.

26. In the following sentences, unbury verbs and control exuberance.
Moviegoers actually show a total preference for buttered popcorn.
Moviegoers prefer buttered popcorn.
Please make an assessment of the home’s value.
Please assess the home’s value.
Ann made a suggestion that we hire Lee.
Ann suggested that we hire Lee.

27. Designing Documents for Readability
Employ white space.
Headings
Short paragraphs
Ragged-right margins

28. Designing Documents for Readability
Choose appropriate typefaces.
Serif typefaces have small features at ends of strokes. Useful for body text.
Times New Roman
Century
Georgia
Garamond

29. Designing Documents for Readability
Choose appropriate typefaces.
Sans serif typefaces are cleaner without features. Useful for headings, signs, and noncontinuous reading material.
Arial
Tahoma
Verdana
Calibri

30. Designing Documents for Readability
Use bulleted and numbered lists.
Break up complex information into smaller chunks.
Use numbered lists for sequences.
Use bulleted lists for items that don’t require a certain order.

31. Designing Documents for Readability
Use a numbered list for instructions.
Instead of this
To clean the printer, you should do the following. First, you should disconnect the power cord. Then you open the front cover, and the printer area should be cleaned with a soft cloth.
Try this
To clean the printer, do the following:
1. Disconnect the power cord.
2. Open the front cover.
3. Clean the printer with a soft cloth.

32. Designing Documents for Readability
Organize information with column headings.
Instead of this
On April 3 we will be in Toledo, and the speaker is Troy Lee. On May 20 we will be in Detroit, and the speaker is Sue Wu.
Try this
Date City Speaker
April 3 Toledo Troy Lee
May 20 Detroit Sue Wu

33. Designing Documents for Readability
Use letters to list items within sentences.
Strive for parallelism.
Instead of this
Our team constantly tries to achieve our goals, customer service must be improved, and our production targets must be met.
Try this
Our team constantly tries to (a) achieve our goals, (b) improve customer service, and (c) hit our production targets.

34. Designing Documents for Readability
Use paragraph headings to improve
organization and readability.
Instead of this
The next topic is vacations. A new vacation schedule will be available on May 1.
To assist employees, we will begin a flex schedule in the fall.
Try this
Vacations. A new vacation schedule will be available on May 1.
Flextime. To assist employees, we will begin a flex schedule in the fall.

35. Arrange the following in a concise, bulleted vertical list.
In the next training session, the trainer will demonstrate how to create podcasts, how to share multiple programs, and how to maintain an Internet directory.
The next training session will demonstrate
Creating podcasts
Sharing multiple
programs
Maintaining an Internet
directory.
Quick Check

36. Improve the readability of the following instructions that will become part of a student’s employment booklet.
Quick Check
In preparing for an employment interview, you should begin by studying the job description. Itemizing your most strategic skills and qualifications is also important. Giving responses in a mock interview is another good practice technique. Last, you should be prepared to ask relevant questions.
You can prepare for interviews by doing the following:
Study the job description.
Itemize your most
strategic skills and
qualifications.
Practice giving responses
in a mock interview.

37. What to Watch for in Proofreading
Spelling
Grammar
Punctuation
Names and numbers
Format
© ISTOCKPHOTO.COM / DMITRY SHIRONOSOV

38. Proofreading Marks

40. How to Proofread Complex Documents
Allow adequate time.
Print a copy, preferably double-spaced.
Be prepared to find errors.
Read once for meaning and once for grammar/mechanics.
Reduce your reading speed.

41. How to Proofread Complex Documents
For documents that must be perfect:
Have someone read aloud the original while someone else checks the printout.
Spell names.
Spell difficult words.
Note capitalization.
Note punctuation.

42. END