1. What Boys Need: Creating a Healthy Life for Our Sons
Dr. Jerrold Shapiro
Professor, Santa Clara University
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Los Altos

2. Now we have to save our sons
We are doing a better job of helping our daughters- Although the job is far from over
Now we have to save our sons

3. By any benchmark, our sons are falling behind
boys are two times more likely than girls to be diagnosed with learning disabilities
twice as likely to be placed in special-education classes.
High school boys are losing ground to girls on standardized writing tests.
The number of boys who said they didn't like school rose 73 percent between 1980 and 2015
80 percent of autistic diagnoses are boys

4. Clearest indications
In the 1970’s boys were 58% of the college student body
In 2008 they were around 40%
In fact there are no all-male schools allowed .. There are several all-women colleges

5. General School Success – Boys v. Girls
conception
births
nurs. Sch
kinder
elem
9th grade
10th
11th
12th
gifted HS
HS grad
college
dorms
aa deg
ba/bs
ma/ms
115
105
112
116
107
101 94
109 98 96 68 87 67 73 62
100
100.0
Girls

6. Ratios of boys vis a vis girls (kept constant at 100)
Suspensions
expelled
spec ed
ld diagnosis
emot. Dist
speech MR
visual
hearing
mult
disabilities
suicide teen
20-24
teen corr
Prison
18-21
22-24
public sch
250
335
217
276
324
147
138
125
108
189
549
624
837
1430
1448
100
In every category, boys
suffer by comparison
Ratios of boys vis a vis girls
(kept constant at 100)
Problems by Gender

7. Boys are developmentally different than girls
They mature more slowly Have a different psychology Learn differently
Programs such as NO CHILD LEFT “UNTESTED” are devastating to boys

8. Boys haven’t changed
What has changed are our expectations for boys’ performance (AP courses; test scores and rewards for more female oriented approaches)

9. Teachers
Have lost control of their curriculum and speed based on each class and student
Teacher/student ratios are up (despite the Cal. law for 1st thru 4th)
Phys. Ed and sports programs are cut or become increasingly competitive and specialization is encouraged at elementary ages

10. Boys Brains
“kinetic, disorganized, maddening and sometimes brilliant behaviors that likely are hard-wired.”
5-year-old girls are typically more fluent can sight-read more words.
Boys tend to have better hand-eye coordination, but lesser fine motor skills (making it a struggle for some to control a pencil or a paintbrush)
Boys are more impulsive than girls; even if they can sit still, many prefer not to—at least not for long.

11. Elementary Schools Feminine environment
Increasing emphasis on language, sitting quietly and speaking in turn — an obvious mismatch between boys and school
When "Girl behavior” becomes the gold standard, Boys are treated like defective girls "Raising Cain"

12. Middle School Girls look 16 and boys 9
They are outmatched and fear looking weak
The anxiety takes the form of a fear of being weak or not knowing things
MRI studies show that girls brains look more like adults, boys like boys
On the positive side are more male teachers

13. The Antidotes Greater parental involvement/cooperation with schools
Quantity of time with fathers (not just good for sons)
Talking to boys in male language styles (reducing fear of being wrong or weak)
Looking at the world from the boy’s perspective
Recognizing and using the limits of development (full frontal lobe development is now known to occur in the mid 20’s)
Recognize the centrality of acceptance, connection and friendship
Understand and promote reasonable competitiveness

14. NEED FOR ADULT MALES; Role Models
Single most reliable predictor of boys’ success in High School:
Does he have a man in his life to look up to?
AS # FATHERS DECREASE, DROPOUT RATES INCREASE
Gang membership increases
Role of mentors
Readings about adult males

15. To reach our sons We need to connect with them in male-centric ways
What are the ways that men communicate and listen best?

16. Is there a Boys Language?
Do males and females communicate differently?
Here are some stereotypical differences

17. Gender & Communication men women
Time limited
Bottom line first
One subject at a time
Shoulder to shoulder
Clear expectations
Primarily informational
Time open
Story first
Many subjects interwoven
Face-to-face
Open expectations
Primarily relational

18. MEN RELATE FROM THE OUTSIDE  IN WOMEN RELATE FROM THE INSIDE  OUT
Stereotypically,
MEN RELATE FROM
THE OUTSIDE  IN
WOMEN RELATE FROM
THE INSIDE  OUT

19. Boys Raised by Involved Fathers or other good male models
Greater self control, self esteem
Cognitive competence, healthier competition
Better at emotional self-regulation
More empathic
Overall sense of well being  performance
Healthier and more flexible sense of masculinity for sons; femininity for daughters
Healthier sense of male intimacy

20. Absent Fathers: Implications for Sons and Daughters:
Greater fears of abandonment
Long searching for a role model
Lack of positive model for male intimacy
Lower self esteem

21. And as Shapiro & Diamond have shown
It’s also best for the fathers and father-substitutes.
Their personal growth is dependent on their relinquishing the role of hero and adopting the role of wise, trusted elder

22. Key Themes from Men’s Groups
Needs for friendship
Relationship with father
Fears of Abandonment

23. CORE FOR BOYS
ACCEPTANCE