1. Chapter 3- Building Strong Families
Section 2- Effective Parenting Skills

2. Meeting Children’s Needs
Parents must often put their own needs aside to take care of their own children. The list of parenting tasks is seemingly endless.
In addition, all children are different, with different individual characteristics and needs.
Ask a group of parents what it takes to raise happy, healthy, well-adjusted children, and you hear many different opinions.

3. Meeting Children’s Needs (continued…)
Children’s needs can be grouped into three categories:
Physical Needs. These include food, clothing, and shelter.
Emotional and Social Needs. Fulfilling these needs include a making children feel safe, loved, and cared for. In turn, they learn how to make friends and worked with other people.
Intellectual Needs. All children need their minds stimulated and the opportunity to learn about the world and become educated. By fulfilling this need, parents and caregivers help prepare children for life as independent adults.

4. Meeting Children’s Needs (continued…)
Unfortunately, some parents can’t or don’t meet all of their children’s physical, emotional, social, or intellectual needs. These children tend to lag behind other children in their overall development. The suffer for from deprivation, or lack of the critical need and encouraging environment that are essential for physical, emotional, and intellectual well-being.
Some people mistakenly believe that deprivation and poverty are the same things. This is not true. Deprived children can come from wealthy or poor families- or anywhere in between. Money isn’t the only factor; what matters most is whether a child’s basic needs are being met.

5. Meeting Children’s Needs (continued…)
Unfortunately, some parents can’t or don’t meet all of their children’s physical, emotional, social, or intellectual needs. These children tend to lag behind other children in their overall development. The suffer for from deprivation, or lack of the critical need and encouraging environment that are essential for physical, emotional, and intellectual well-being.
Some people mistakenly believe that deprivation and poverty are the same things. This is not true. Deprived children can come from wealthy or poor families- or anywhere in between. Money isn’t the only factor; what matters most is whether a child’s basic needs are being met.

6. Parenting Styles
How parents and other caregivers care for and discipline children is known as their parenting style.
Effective parents use a style they feel comfortable with- one that matches their personality and values.
For this reason, no one parenting style is considered “right” or “best,” and no one style works best with all children. In addition, parents often need to adapt their parenting style somewhat as each child grows and changes.

7. Parenting Styles (continued…)
There are three main styles of parenting:
Authoritarian. An authoritarian parent believes children should obey their parents without question. The parent tells a child what to do, and the child’s responsibility is to do it. When the rules are broken, the authoritarian parent typically responds quickly and firmly.

8. Parenting Styles (continued…)
Assertive-Democratic. In this style, children have more input into the rules and limits of the home. Learning to take responsibility is important, so children are given a certain amount of independence and freedom of choice within those rules. When rules are broken, the assertive-democratic parent believes children learn best from accepting the results of their actions or by problem solving with the child to find an acceptable punishment.
Permissive. In the permissive style, parents given children a wide range of freedom. Children of permissive parents may set their own rules. They are encouraged to think for themselves and not follow trends. Permissive parents typically ignore rule breaking.

9. Parenting Styles (continued…)
Few parents follow just one style at all times.
A parent may use a more authoritarian style on some issues- say, where health or safety is involved- and be more assertive-democratic on others, such as clothing or hairstyles.
Parents may also change their styles as children age. They may feel that before children become teens, they need firm rules, but that as teens they should be allowed the freedom to make more of their own choices.

10. Guiding Children’s Behavior
Whether it’s putting toys away, getting along with a sibling, or saying please and thank you, acceptable behavior doesn’t come naturally to children. They need to be taught what is acceptable, what isn’t acceptable, and what is expected of them.
As children grow, they develop minds of their own and test limits. Doing so helps them to learn about the world and their place in it.
Guiding children’s behavior can be both the hardest and the most rewarding task of parenting.

11. Understanding Guidance
Guidance means using firmness and understanding to help children learn how to behave.
With effective guidance, children learn self- discipline- the ability to control their own behavior. They also learn how to get along with others and how to handle their feelings in acceptable ways.
Guidance promotes security and positive self-esteem. And it helps children learn the difference between what is right and wrong.

12. Understanding Guidance (continued…)
Very young children understand right from wrong only in terms of being praised or scolded.
Gradually they develop a conscience, or an inner sense of what is right. As they mature, they use this conscience to decide how to act in new situations.
Parents can successfully guide their children in three basic ways. They can be positive role models. They can set limits and redirect their children’s behavior. Finally, they can use positive reinforcement to let children know when their behavior is on the right track.

13. Being A Role Model
Children are great imitators. They learn best by being shown what to do rather than simply being told what to do.
Parents and others in a child’s life serve as role models/ Children constantly watch those around them and then imitate the behaviors they see.
The old saying is true: Actions speak louder than words. That is why parents need to demonstrate at all times those behaviors they would like to see in their own children.
For instance, parents who want their children to speak politely to others need to speak politely themselves.
The desire to imitate applies to all behaviors- not just the acceptable ones, or those that parents want their children to imitate.
Parents need to model respect, honesty, and kindness.

14. Setting Limits
Setting limits is another way to guide children toward appropriate, safe behavior.
Limits include physical restrictions, such as preventing a child from crossing the street alone.
Another kind of limit is a rule of behavior. “We don’t hit other people.” “We don’t use that word.”
Children need limits to grow into responsible adults. Setting limits helps them to understand expectations and acceptable behavior, and to develop self- control.
Children of any age will test limits, but parents should be consistent in enforcing them.

15. Setting Limits (continued…)
In setting limits, parents and other caregivers often follow this general rule: Limits should keep children from hurting themselves, other people, or property. Children will respect and follow guidelines if they are reasonable.
The following questions can help parents determine limits:
Does the limit allow the child to learn, explore, and grow? Too much restriction hinders development.
Is the limit fair and appropriate for the child’s age? A toddler might be restricted to a fenced-in yard. A school-age child might be permitted to visit a friend living down the street.
Does the limit benefit the child, or is it merely for the adult’s convenience? Restrictions should be for the child’s good, not because they fit a routine.

17. Setting Limits (continued…)
Children must be told what is expected of them in ways they can understand.
Limits should be stated simply and briefly, and in a calm and direct tone of voice.
Children also may need to be reminded of rules if they break them and be redirected to an acceptable behavior. Redirection is important because it helps the child to do something other than the unacceptable behavior and it suggests another, acceptable behavior. However, the redirection must e appropriate for the child’s age. Infants, for example, may need to be physically moved to another, acceptable activity.

18. Setting Limits (continued…)
Limits must also be clear.
Telling three-year-old Madeline that she can have a little snack is not a clear limit. She might not know what makes a snack “little”. A better limit suggests a specific snack Madeline can have, such as half an apple.
Limits often have to be repeated each time the situation arises. Children, especially the young ones, don’t’ always remember limits from one day to the next. They may not realize that limits stated one day still apply another day.

19. Setting Limits (continued…)
With very young children, it isn’t necessary to explain the reasons for expected behaviors. For a one-year-old, the instruction “be gentle with the kitty,” combined with modeling of gentle handling, is enough.
Around age three, however, children begin to understand simple reasoning. Then they understand limits that include the reason for them: “It hurts the kitty when you pull his tail. If you want to play with him, you need to be gentle.”
Once established and explained, limits should be firmly and consistently enforced. Parents who are not consistent with limits teach their children that they don’t mean what they say. Children take rules more seriously if they are enforced at all times.

20. Positive Reinforcement
All too often, parents remind children of all the things they do wrong without noting what they do right.
Instead of changing children’s behavior, constant scolding makes them feel as though they can’t so anything right. After a while, they may decide to stop trying.
Children, like all people, are more likely to change their behavior when they are praised for the things they do right. Giving children attention when their actions or appropriate is an example of positive reinforcement, a response that encourages a particular behavior.
When children learn that an action wins attention and approval from adults, they are likely to repeat that action. Positive reinforcement can be used to help change a problem behavior and to strengthen good behavior.

21. Positive Reinforcement (continued…)
Use these guidelines to encourage appropriate behavior:
Be specific. Clearly comment on the behavior being acknowledged.
Comment on the behavior as soon as possible. Recognize the behavior right away to help the child link the action and the praise.
Recognize small steps. Encouraged steps in the right direction. Don’t wait for perfect behavior. If a child he usually leaves toys all over the floor, acknowledge the effort of even putting some toys back where they belong.
Help children take pride in their actions. Saying “That was hard work to get dressed by yourself, but you did it!” helps a young child feel competent.
Tailor the encouragement to the needs of the child. Praise behaviors that are difficult for that child. The child who usually forgets to wash his hands should be rewarded with approval for remembering to do so.
Use positive reinforcement wisely. If children are praised for everything they do, it no longer motivates them.

22. Dealing With Inappropriate Behavior
No matter how hard adults to try to encourage appropriate behavior, children- all children- misbehave from time to time. When this happens, adults must deal with the situation appropriately and effectively.
The child’s age should shape an adult’s response to inappropriate behavior.
When considering how to respond to misbehavior, parents and other caregivers should think about these questions:
Is the expected behavior appropriate, given the child’s age and development?
Does the child understand that the behavior was wrong?
Did the child do the behavior knowingly and deliberately, or was it beyond the child’s control?

23. Unintentional Misbehavior
With children of any age, misbehavior is sometimes unintentional. A young child may drop a glass of milk that is too heavy or accidentally break something. Such unintentional actions shouldn’t be punished.
Misbehavior is also unintentional if the child has no way of knowing it was wrong. For example, Ana picked a flower in the park and brought it to her father. People shouldn’t pick flowers in parks, but Ana had never been told that. Rather than scolding, Ana’s father simply explained that she shouldn’t have done it, explaining flowers in the park are for everyone’s enjoyment. He asked her to draw a picture of a flower instead.

24. Using Punishment Effectively
By guiding children’s behavior, parents and other caregivers are more likely to teach a child acceptable behavior.
Still, when children test the limits and misbehave, punishment- used thoughtfully and with good judgment- can be effective. Punishment can help remind children that appropriate behavior is important and teach them that there are consequences for poor choices.
When using punishment, parents should clearly show that they disapprove of the behavior but still love the child. They can do this by avoiding blame and criticism.

25. Using Punishment Effectively (continued…)
The first time a child breaks a rule, a parent may choose to give a warning rather than a punishment. Even a child with good self- control makes an occasional mistake. A warning remind the child of the rule and why it is important. It also gives the child a chance to regain self-control.
After a rule has been broken another time, punishment is appropriate. However, the punishment given should be in proportion to and/or related to the misbehavior. Forgetting to put dirty clothes in the hamper one day doesn’t call for severe punishment. In this case, a simple reminder would be sufficient. Repeated failure to stop throwing sand in the sandbox calls for more action, such as leaving the park or not visiting the park for a few days.

26. Negative Reinforcement
A response aimed at discouraging children from repeating an inappropriate or unacceptable behavior is called negative reinforcement. Several different methods can be used. They include natural consequences, logical consequences, loss of privileges, and time-out.
Natural consequences. With natural consequences, children suffer from the actual result of their action. When a natural consequence occurs parents should not lecture. For children, it is often difficult enough to deal with the consequences. Nor should parents attempt to remedy a situation for their children. This defeats the purpose of the consequence. Children who are rescued from their choices will expect to be saved whenever they make poor choices.

27. Negative Reinforcement (continued…)
Logical consequences. Parents may choose to address a child’s misbehavior with consequences that have a connection to the misbehavior. Parents often choose logical consequences when natural consequences are inappropriate. Parents who use logical consequences need to be prepared to follow through. They should thin about the logical consequence before giving it and as themselves “Am I ready to do this?” After all, lack of follow-through shows children that they don’t need to take their parents or limits seriously.
Loss of privileges. Sometimes using natural or logical consequences is not appropriate. If a child runs into the street, the natural consequence- being hit by a car- is far too dangerous. A parent might take a way a privilege instead. This type of punishment is most effective for children age five and older. It works best if the privilege taken away is related to the misbehavior. That way, the child is likely to associate the two.

28. Negative Reinforcement
Time-out. Another way to respond to misbehavior is with the time-out. A time- out is a short period of time in which a child sits away from other people and the center of activity. The purpose of the time-out is to give children a chance to calm down and regain self-control. Time-outs can be especially effective when emotions are running high and the child (and everyone else) simply needs a break. One minute of time-out for each year at a child’s age is generally a good length of time.
When deciding which method of negative reinforcement to use, parents and other caregivers often find that what works for one child may not be effective for another. This message may not work every time for the same child- or for the same child at different ages.
Parents need to think about which method of negative reinforcement is most appropriate for the child’s personality and their own values. For the method to be effective, they must also be consistent in their use of it. Ideally, the punishment should be linked to a child needs and emotional, social, and intellectual development.

29. Poor Disciplinary Measures
Well-meaning parents and caregivers sometimes use disciplinary methods that are less effective than others- and sometimes even harmful. Those who follow the positive discipline techniques already described in this chapter will likely find that they don’t need to use the following measures.
Bribing. Bribing children so they stop misbehaving can backfire. Instead of learning self-control, children learn to expect rewards for ending inappropriate behavior. Children may even misbehave on purpose, knowing that by stopping they will earn a treat or privilege. Bribing and rewarding desirable behavior are not the same things. Positive reinforcement for acceptable behavior are not the same things. Positive reinforcement for acceptable behavior is a more effective way to guide children’s behavior.

30. Poor Disciplinary Measures (continued…)
Making children promise to behave. In the process of learning to control their behavior, children actually make mistakes. When promises are made, children may feel forced to lie about misbehavior rather than disappointing someone they love.
Shouting or yelling. When children misbehave, parents and caregivers should talk to them in a calm, reasonable voice. A loud, harsh voice can frighten young children. Older children may learn to “tune out” yelling. In addition, adults who yell aren’t modeling acceptable behavior.
Shaming or belittling. Parents and caregivers shouldn’t ridicule children’s mistakes or make comments such as “If you chew with your mouth open, no one will want to sit with you at the lunch table!”

31. Poor Disciplinary Measures (continued…)
Threatening to withhold love. Statements such as “I won’t love you anymore if you don’t start treating your brother better” create the fear of being rejected or abandoned.
Exaggerating the consequences. Parents and other caregivers sometimes hastily threaten wildly impractical consequences. Such statements can not only frighten children, they can also cause a parent to lose credibility. When children see that a parent won’t follow through on such exaggerated claims, they may begin to doubt what a parent states will actually be done as a consequence.