1. Difficult Conversations
Leadership Meetup
July 2017
New Zealand Institute of Management Inc. trading as Institute of Management New Zealand

2. Today’s Conversation
Define difficult (courageous) conversations and the benefits of these
Apply a process for difficult conversations
Discuss constructive and destructive conflict
New Zealand Institute of Management Inc. Trading as Institute of Management New Zealand.

3. Courageous conversations are open, authentic conversations based on truthful dialogue where opinions differ strongly and courage is required to address undeclared issues.
New Zealand Institute of Management Inc. Trading as Institute of Management New Zealand.

4. Constructive Conflict Destructive Conflict
A constructive conflict includes recognition that it is okay for opinions and ideas to be different.
There needs to be a foundation of trust in the team.
Constructive conflict can to prevent groupthink.
Unhealthy conflict causes disruption, creates disharmony, stress, hostility, distraction from team goals and in the workplace, impacts performance and employee satisfaction.
Unhealthy conflict may degenerate to a point that the parties in conflict forget the original issue and transform their purposes to ‘getting even’, retaliating or hurting the other person.
New Zealand Institute of Management Inc. Trading as Institute of Management New Zealand.

5. What conversations do you find difficult?
New Zealand Institute of Management Inc. Trading as Institute of Management New Zealand.

6. 2 Dimensions The issue The emotions
New Zealand Institute of Management Inc. Trading as Institute of Management New Zealand.

7. If you can address the fear and make people feel safe – in a way that does not attack or humiliate - you can talk about almost anything and people will listen.

8. Framework for the Conversation
Skill Those who willingly share delicate information are good at doing it; they have practiced enough to have found a path that allows for honesty and safety; and this is what gives them confidence in the first place.
Humility Realising that you do not have a monopoly on truth – that you do not have to win every time; being open to influence from others, and actively encouraging others to express their opinions.
Confidence The ability to say what needs to be said, and to say it to the right people.
If you wish to have a healthy discussion about a tough topic it's essential to be able to stay in dialogue and state your piece without violating safety and respect. A simple model to follow to help guide us towards doing this proficiently is the STATE model.
New Zealand Institute of Management Inc. Trading as Institute of Management New Zealand.

9. STATE my path
Share your Facts as you see them ("Whenever I ask you for progress on your work, you roll your eyes.) Tell your Story with confidence (When you roll your eyes it’s harder for me to gauge your commitment.) Ask for their story show humility by asking them to share their story and honestly appreciating it. Talk Tentatively try saying "in my opinion..." instead of "the fact is..." Encourage Testing Invite opposing views and mean it. Ask, "What am I missing here?"; "Do you see it differently?"; "I'd really like to hear your thoughts on this".
FACTS Talking in terms of facts is less likely to trigger defensiveness.
TELL This encourages them to see things from your perspective and reinforces the severity and impact of the issue.
ASK Listening will get all the information required to make the best decision, rather than to win, or be right.
TENTATIVELY Play Devil’s advocate. These are good ways to encourage others’ input.
New Zealand Institute of Management Inc. Trading as Institute of Management New Zealand.

10. Let’s test this out
New Zealand Institute of Management Inc. Trading as Institute of Management New Zealand.

11. More Tools SELL – difficult topics that might be personal
State…..explain….listen…leave….
SBI – to focus feedback on specific situations and behaviours
Situation…..behaviour… ..impact
AMPP – when someone doesn’t want to open up
Ask…mirror….paraphrase…(prime)
AID – positive and corrective feedback
Action (theirs)……impact…..desired outcome
I Statements – conversation opener focused on you
When… The impact is…What I’d like is…
New Zealand Institute of Management Inc. Trading as Institute of Management New Zealand.

12. Post Conversation Review
What helped you reach agreement?
What caused it and can you remove the cause happening again?
Could you spot the signs of conflict brewing in future?
New Zealand Institute of Management Inc. Trading as Institute of Management New Zealand.

13. Items of Interest Boltons - people styles
Thomas Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument
Shawn Achor – The happy secret to better work (Ted Talk)
Patrick Lencioni - The Table Group – 5 Dysfunctions of a Team/High performance teams
Bruce Tuckman – Stages of team development
Stephen Covey – Circle of Influence
New Zealand Institute of Management Inc. Trading as Institute of Management New Zealand.

14. New Zealand Institute of Management Inc
New Zealand Institute of Management Inc. trading as Institute of Management New Zealand