1. Conciseness of Language: Further Applications
Dr. Linda Bergmann, Professor of English, Purdue University
Rationale: Welcome to “Conciseness of Language: Further Applications.” This presentation is designed to build on previous presentations in the INDOT series that help ESL writers write concisely. The slides presented here are designed to aid the facilitator in an interactive presentation of the elements of clear prose. This presentation is ideal for ESL writers who struggle with clarity in written English.
This presentation may be supplemented with the following OWL resources:
- “The Paramedic Method” OWL resource here
- A number of ESL OWL resources available on the ESL Instructors and Students resources page:
- INDOT OWL resources, “Five Principles of Readability,” “The Paramedic Method,” “Adjective Issues for ESL Writers,” “Intra-Paragraph Organization for ESL Writers,” “Verb Use for ESL Writers,” “Macro-Level Paragraph Cohesion,” and “Micro-Level Paragraph Cohesion”. INDOT resources are available here
Directions: Animation and slides are activated by a single mouse click, unless otherwise noted in bold at the bottom of each notes page
Writer and Designer: Allen Brizee
Contributors: Dr. Linda Bergmann
Revising Author: Dr. Linda Bergmann
Developed with resources courtesy of the Purdue University Writing Lab
© Copyright Purdue University, 2000, 2006, 2008

2. Conciseness and Choice
Shorter can be clearer:
There was a lack of evidence on their part in
support of their claim.
Their claim suffered because of their lack of evidence in its support.
They could not support their claim because they lacked evidence.
The primary goal of most writing is to communicate a message clearly to your audience. In most cases, but especially in professional writing situations, concise writing means economical writing. In other words, less is more. In order to achieve conciseness, you must eliminate extra words and/or words that carry little meaning. These words cloud your message and increase the word count of your documents. While you may not think that an extra word or two in a sentence makes that much difference, if you add up words that carry little meaning in each sentence, paragraph, and section, you find that by the time you reach the end of your document, you have hundreds of extra words. Your goal, then, is to cut these extra words. Here is how to do that:
Ask why the word is in the sentence. What is it actually DOING? Is it necessary to communicate the meaning of the sentence? If not, cut it.
Identify words that carry little meaning. In the example from the slide, these words carry little meaning: there, was, a, of, in.
Identify prepositions and prepositional phrases. In the example from the slide, you can see that prepositions lead to prepositional phrases. So if you eliminate the prepositions, a number of extra words may be cut. You may have to reorder the sentence, but this also allows you to follow the S-V-O (subject-verb-object) format, which is the most concise organization for written sentences in English.
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3. Clarity and Choice Which is clearer?
Estimation of peak inflow rates for the sewer system will involve utilization of an evaluation technique developed by Richard J. Nojai in the early 1980’s.
In order to estimate peak inflow rates for the sewer system, we will use an evaluation technique developed by Richard J. Nojai in the early 1980’s.
Peak inflow rates for the sewer system will be estimated using an evaluation technique developed by Richard J. Nojai in the early 1980’s.
Based on the information provided in the previous slide, work with these sentences to eliminate words that carry little meaning.
Identify words that don’t carry much meaning: prepositions, is-are-was-were, verbs like involve. ‘Use’ can be meaningful or filler.
In addition to cutting unnecessary prepositions and prepositional phrases, identifying nominalizations can also be useful for developing concise language. A nominalization is when you take a verb (for example, ‘implementation’) and turn it into a noun (‘the implementation of the plan’):
Use verbs when possible rather than noun forms known as nominalizations.
unclear (use of nominalization): The implementation of the plan was successful.
clearer: The plan was implemented successfully.
Lastly, for many professional writing documents, you will have to avoid using personal pronouns. In these cases, you will want to find a suitable pronoun, or “character,” to completed the action, or in the case above, the estimating.
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4. Clarity and Conciseness Work Together
Fixed Sentence
Elements
Subject
Verb
Object
Movable Story
Elements
Character/agent/doer
Action
Receiver/goal
Written English is most clear and concise when it follows the subject-verb-object (S-V-O) pattern. Subjects, verbs, and objects work as fixed sentence elements. Sentences also contain movable story elements, such as the character/agent/doer, action, and receiver/goal.
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5. Review: Five Principles for Effective Sentences
1. Effective sentences tell a story: “People do things.”
2. In the most readable sentences, the key story elements, character and action, correspond to the key sentence elements, subject and verb. These “S-V-O” sentences also tend to be more concise.
Look at the verbs first; unless you have a good reason not to, express the crucial actions as verbs.
Express central characters as the subjects of verbs.
Put “old information” before “new information” as you move from sentence to sentence.
This is a review from the Week 1 session—the Paramedic Method from a slightly different point of view. This approach takes a more narrative angle to the sentence and the story it’s telling. Rather than looking at the prepositions first (as the Paramedic Method has you do), this approach asks you to think about story elements: characters and actions that correspond to the key sentence elements, subjects and verbs. Central characters act as the subjects of the verbs, and the verbs should be strong, active verbs when possible.
For example, rather than saying “The picture IS on the wall (“is” = a form of the verb “to be”), say, “The picture HANGS on the wall.” Or in more technical terms, rather than saying “The data IS the evidence that supports the hypothesis,” say “The data SUPPORTS the hypothesis.”
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6. Movable Story Elements
Character—Action– [ ]
Actions can be found in:
Verbs: use, prove, evaluate, reject
Nouns: use, utilization, proof, evaluation, rejection
Other parts of speech: usable, usability, evaluative,
provable
Characters can be found in nouns and other parts of
speech (parental, their, my) or may be missing
altogether.
A good question to ask as you writing or as you revise is, “where is the action?” This is followed by, “who is doing the action?” If you can’t answer these questions easily, then the sentence needs work. Building sentences from strong verbs and composing clear characters completing the action will help you write concise sentences. If possible, these sentences should follow the S-V-O pattern and actions should be placed in verbs. As covered above, avoid nominalizing your verbs.
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7. Nominalizations Sometimes Increase Empty Words
Verbs into nouns:
investigate—investigation
discover—discovery
perform—performance
impair—impairment
to change—a change
……………………………………………….
The data are proof of the thesis.
There was committee agreement.
The investigation revealed three serious flaws in the construction of the bridge.
Many writers nominalize their verbs. Nominalizing can cloud the meaning of your sentence and increase word count. So to avoid nominalization, always try to use verbs to show action.
To review from above, a nominalization is when you take a verb (for example, ‘implementation’) and turn it into a noun (‘the implementation of the plan’):
Use verbs when possible rather than the noun forms.
unclear (use of nominalization): The implementation of the plan was successful.
clearer: The plan was implemented successfully.
Notice that the third example needs its nominalizations; the point is not to eliminate them, but to use them with care.
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8. Work with Verbs
Remember the third rule of effective sentences: look at
verbs first; unless you have a good reason not to,
express actions as verbs.
There was a lack of evidence on their part in support of their claim.
Estimation of peak inflow rates for the sewer system will involve utilization of an evaluation technique developed by Richard J. Nojai in the early 1980’s.
Dr. Smith was forced to acknowledge his mistake by the attorney.
In written English, strong sentences are built on strong verbs. A document full of weak or nominalized verbs will be less clear than a document that uses sentences built on strong verbs. So it helps to look at the verbs FIRST; unless you have a good reason not to, express actions as verbs.
Also, misplaced modifiers can create confusion in sentences. In the third example in the slide, it’s not clear who made the mistake. The modifier would be more easily placed if the attorney were the subject of the sentence—since the attorney did the forcing: “The attorney forced Dr. Smith to admit his mistake.”
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9. Work with Verbs Also remember the fourth rule of clarity: Express
central characters as the subjects of verbs. Practice:
Their proposal for the rule was without substantial reason.
If this objective cannot be met with the current documentation, then revision and improvement of the manual are needed.
To find the characters, ask who is doing--or not doing--
what to whom?
To write concisely, you must also make sure that central characters are express as the subjects of verbs. If it’s not clear who is doing, or is not doing, what to whom, then the message in your sentence will also be unclear.
Unclear: Their proposal for the rule was without substantial reason.
Clear: They had no substantial reason for proposing the rule.
Unclear: If this objective cannot be met with the current documentation, then revision and improvement of the manual are needed.
Clear: If they current documentation does not meet this objective, then the manual must be revised.
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10. Eliminate Unnecessary Words
Seldom use a phrase or clause when a
single word will do:
In a time-efficient manner = quickly
Due to the fact that = because
In most cases = usually
At the same time as = while; during
Subsequent to = after
In the event that = if
Another way to eliminate unnecessary words is to eliminate words and phrases that do not carry much meaning:
Example: (“It is widely known” is unnecessary)
It is widely known that the engineers at Sandia Labs have become active
participants in the Search and Rescue operations in most years. (Word count: 23)
Better: In recent years, engineers at Sandia Labs have regularly participated in the Search and Rescue operations. (New word count: 16)
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11. Eliminate Unnecessary Words
Eliminate words and phrases that do not carry
much meaning:
It is widely known that the engineers at Sandia Labs have become active participants in the Search and Rescue operations in most years.
In most years, engineers at Sandia Labs have actively participated in the Search and Rescue operations.
Original word count: 23. New word count: 16.
Notice that to eliminate words the writer has also changed the sentence structure to character-action-goal.
Note also that the sentence begins with a phrase that indicates the time frame, which is both “old” or “known” information AND a conventional opening modifier in American English.
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12. Eliminate Unnecessary Words
Combine sentences to cut unnecessary repetition:
Results of the field tests showed that weather conditions accelerated road wear in a surprisingly short amount of time. Results of the tests revealed that weather conditions reduced surface quality of concrete more quickly than asphalt. (36 words)
Results of field tests showed that weather conditions accelerated road wear rapidly and reduced surface quality of concrete more quickly than asphalt. (22 words)
Repetitive information can impair sentence clarity. You may combine sentences to eliminate unnecessary repetition. Combining sentences may also reduce word count, which as noted above is usually good for clear technical writing.
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13. Parallelism
Use the same pattern of words to show that two or more ideas have the same importance:
Words and phrases
Forms
Clauses
Lists
Written English is most clear and concise when ideas are expresses in a parallel pattern. Patterns fall into four areas: words and phrases, forms, clauses. In fact, parallelism fosters conciseness. Conciseness in its most efficient sense means not only saying things in the fewest words, but also saying them in a way in which the connections among concepts are immediately apparent, so that a reader understands the meaning on the first reading.
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14. Parallelism: Words Words connected by and must be of the same
part of speech:
Parallel:
This report will cover the following issues about planning
road repairs: efficiency, reliability, and cost.
This report will discuss road repairs in terms of efficiency,
reliability, and cost.
Remain consistent, or parallel, in your words and phrases. A common mistake is mixing parts of speech. The first example above is not parallel. However, by rewording the second sentence, we can ensure parallelism, and thus clarity and conciseness.
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15. Failures of Parallelism
This report will discuss road repairs in
terms of efficiency, how reliable they may
be, and whether the cost is compatible with
the current budget.
These road repairs are expected to last for
three years and for reliability and cost
effectiveness over longer periods of time.
Failures of parallelism start with a noun in the first term above, then move on to clauses and phrases. Have students practice by rewriting these examples in parallel form:
Example 1 correction: This report will discuss repairs in terms of efficiency, reliability, and cost.
Example 2 correction: These road repairs are expected to last for three years, and their reliability and cost effectiveness will benefit the state over longer periods of time.
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16. Parallelism: Phrases With the -ing form (gerund) of words:
Parallel: The construction manager established a protocol that includes reviewing plans every morning, asking questions at stated intervals, and summarizing work at the end of the day.
With infinitive phrases: Parallel: A daily protocol was established to review plans, (to) field questions, and (to) summarize work.
Remain consistent, or parallel, in your words and phrases. A common mistake is mixing patterns with the –ing form (gerund) of words. The examples above illustrate correct parallelism. To challenge students, have them write versions of these sentences that are NOT parallel:
Example 1
Not parallel: The construction manager established a protocol that includes reviewing plans every morning, asking questions at stated intervals, and the summarization of work at the end of the day.
Example 2
Not parallel: A daily protocol was established to review plans, field questions, and summarize work.
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17. Parallelism: Forms Do not mix forms:
Not Parallel: The production manager was asked to write his report quickly, accurately, and in a detailed manner.
Parallel: The production manager was asked to write his report quickly, accurately, and thoroughly. or
The production manager was asked to write a detailed report quickly and accurately.
Mixing forms is another common misstep. Each element in the sentence, a list in the example above, must remain consistent, or parallel. Sometimes remaining parallel forces us to choose a different word, as in the example above. However, if you will also notice, our new word choice also reduces our word count - another plus!
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18. Parallelism: Clauses
A parallel structure that begins with clauses must continue using clauses.
Not Parallel: The coach told the players that they should get a lot of sleep, that they should not eat too much, and to do some warm-up exercises before the game.
Parallel: The coach told the players that they should get a lot of sleep, that they should not eat too much, and that they should do some warm-up exercises before the game.
A parallel structure that begins with clauses must continue using clauses. Though it may sound redundant to continue using the same type of clause throughout the sentence, parallel sentences must contain the same types of clauses throughout. If your sentence is too long and difficult to understand by remaining parallel, consider using a different clause to convey the same message. You may even reduce your word count!
Alternate parallel structure: The coach told the players to sleep, eat, and exercise appropriately before the game. (14 words)
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19. Parallelism: Lists
Be sure to keep all the elements in a list in the same form.
Not Parallel: The dictionary can be used for these purposes: to find word meanings, pronunciations, correct spellings, and looking up irregular verbs.
Parallel: The dictionary can be used for these purposes: to look up word meanings, pronunciations, correct spellings, and irregular verbs.
In technical writing, you may often use lists to describe procedures, ingredients, or test results. Therefore, it’s important to remember to remain parallel. Be sure to keep all the elements in a list in the same form. (Plurals were used in the examples above by design.)
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20. Practice Examples
Use your handout to practice conciseness of language:
There are various alternatives for Portland Cement Concrete (PCC) rehabilitation techniques. Some of these techniques are commonly used in Indiana. These are: overlay, crack-and-seat with overlay, break-and-seat with overlay, and total reconstruction. The selection of alternatives primarily depends on the pavement type and its existing condition. Among these alternatives, HMA overlays rubblized PCC is considered to be the most common type of PCC rehabilitation. In this technique, the concrete PCC slab is reduced in-place to approximately aggregate base material size. (80 Words)
Students should now practice applying the concepts in this slide presentation by revising the paragraph above. The INDOT handouts that accompany this presentation should also help them when revising.
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21. Practice Examples
Use your handout to practice conciseness of language:
There are various alternatives for Portland Cement Concrete (PCC) rehabilitation techniques. Some of these techniques are commonly used in Indiana. These are: overlay, crack-and-seat with overlay, break-and-seat with overlay, and total reconstruction. The selection of alternatives primarily depends on the pavement type and its existing condition. Among these alternatives, HMA overlays rubblized PCC is considered to be the most common type of PCC rehabilitation. In this technique, the concrete PCC slab is reduced in-place to approximately aggregate base material size.
Note the use of unnecessary words (there are various) and the use of a form of the verb “to be” (are) in the first two sentences. What can you do to improve the conciseness of these two sentences and better follow the S-V-O formula for written English? Also note the list following the colon in the third sentence. Avoid this type of list structure. Instead, write “These techniques are as follows:”
Also note the nominalization in the fourth sentence (The selection of). What can you do to eliminate this nominalization?
Lastly in the fifth sentence, who is the actor? Who is doing the considering? In other words, “who is doing what to whom?” If it’s difficult to answer this question, then the sentence should be revised.
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22. Practice Examples
Use your handout to practice conciseness of language:
In Indiana, some common techniques for Portland Cement Concrete (PCC) rehabilitation are overlay, crack-and-seat with overlay, break-and-seat with overlay, and total reconstruction. Which alternative is selected depends on the type of pavement and its condition. The most common technique of PCC rehabilitation is HMA overlays on rubblized PCC. In this technique, the concrete PCC slab is reduced in place to approximately the size of aggregate base material. (68 words)
Here is the paragraph revised to follow some of the guidelines in this slide presentation. Though many, many alternative exist, and can form the basis for long discussions with students, these revisions improve the conciseness of the sentences, and thus make the messages in this paragraph easier to understand.
When people understand what you’re writing, they are more likely to believe and act upon your suggestions. In some situations, this action might be as simple as ordering another type of office printer. But in other situations, especially for engineers, the documents you produce could have profound influence on important decisions, such as bridge construction and repair. A lack of communication in these sorts of contexts can lead to higher costs, but most importantly, they can lead to loss of life - the Interstate 35W bridge in Minneapolis, Minnesota, is a perfect example of this.
On August 2, 2007, the entire span of the I35W bridge over the Mississippi River in Minneapolis, Minnesota, collapsed causing major loss of life: thirteen deaths and approximately 100 injured. While an official cause of collapse has still not been determined, a number of official reports written prior to the collapse had noted structural degradation in the bridge and the risk of catastrophic failure.
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23. Practice Examples
Use your handout to practice conciseness of language:
NDT is the most popular method in the pavement evaluation and overlay because of its advantages of low operational cost, short test duration and full scale model testing. Falling Weight Deflectometers (FWD) are widely used to evaluate the structural properties of pavements nondestructively. Backcalculation of pavement properties from FWD data is usually carried out by matching the measured deflections under a known load with theoretical deflections generated by an analytical model of the pavement by varying the elastic moduli. Such procedures usually use error minimization techniques to minimize either the absolute or the squared error, with or without weighing factors.
Students should now practice applying the concepts in this slide presentation by revising the paragraph above. The INDOT handouts that accompany this presentation should also help them when revising.
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24. Practice Examples
Use your handout to practice conciseness of language:
For decades, numerous backcalculation computer programs have determined layer moduli. Most of these programs are based on iteration techniques, which repeatedly use a forward analysis method within an iterative process. The layer moduli are repeatedly adjusted until a suitable match between the calculated and measured deflection basins is obtained. A number of computer programs, such as BISDEF (Bush, 1985), BOUSDEF (Roesset, 1995), CHEVDEF (Bush, 1980), and COMCOMP (Irwin, 1994), have been developed for back-calculation analysis using this method. (178 words)
Students should now practice applying the concepts in this slide presentation by revising the paragraph above. The INDOT handouts that accompany this presentation should also help them when revising.
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25. Contact the Purdue Writing Lab:
For More Information
Contact the Purdue Writing Lab:
Call:
OWL Tutors:
On the web:
For help, please contact the Purdue Writing Lab.

26. Adapted by Allen Brizee and Dr
Adapted by Allen Brizee and Dr. Linda Bergmann from the “Little Red Schoolhouse” by Dr. Joseph Williams, University of Chicago Dr. Gregory Colomb, University of Virginia
Thank you for using a Purdue OWL resource.