1. Strengthen Families Improve Relationships Increase Resiliency
ICA Preconference
Sherene McHenry, Ph.D., LPC
Fully Engaged, LLC
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3. Chapman’s Love Languages:
Are as different as
Chinese
English
French
German
Spanish
Miscommunication occurs when individuals communicate valuing and appreciation in differing languages.

4. Five Languages:

5. Affirmation:
Feel valued and motivated when they receive compliments, statements of appreciation and words of encouragement.

6. Quality Time
Feel valued and motivated when receiving undivided, focused attention, quality conversation and shared activities.

7. Gifts
Feel valued and motivated when given gifts that show the giver appreciates what they’ve done or knows them well enough to know what they like.

8. Service
Feel valued and motivated when others see what needs to be done and do it without having to be asked.

9. Physical Touch
Feel valued and motivated when they receive meaningful physical contact they enjoy.

10. Can People Be More Than One?
Everyone has a primary language, most have a secondary language
All five are nice and generally appreciated, but we would feel sadness/discouragement if we never heard our language
We tend to express love, value and appreciation in our primary language
We feel most valued, appreciated and loved when communicated with in our primary language

11. Questions to Ask:
When was the last time you knew someone (boss, colleague, spouse, child, friend…) appreciated you? How did you know?
How do you let others (boss, spouse, children, friends, colleagues…) know you appreciate and value them?
What “hurts” do you still carry with you?
What do you withdraw when you are hurt, angry or feeling unappreciated?
What do you most often ask others for?
What do you most often complain about not getting?

12. It is a choice to speak the language of the receiver.
Individuals, be it at work or home, long to feel valued, respected and appreciated.
The happiest, most loyal people (employees, customers, co-workers, spouses, children...) are given love and appreciation in their primary language and recognize the languages of those around them.
It is a choice to speak the language of the receiver.
The mark of a mature adult is the ability to speak all 5 languages
Based on The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman, Northfield Press.

14. Destructive Patterns:
Avoid
Placate
Rationalize
Blame

15. Optimal Pattern:

16. When You Cause The Fender Bender
Mess Up
Fess Up
Make It Right
Move On

17. When Others Cause the Fender Bender:
“Bug and A Wish” It bugs me when ________________. I wish you would ________________. Betray a confidence Lie Don’t respond to my questions Don’t work together…

18. Adult Version “Bug and A Wish”:
It ___________________________ me (insert feeling: concerns, hurts, frustrates, angers…) When________________________________ (insert problematic behavior) I need you to/wish you would ______________ (insert desired behavior) It frustrates and concerns me When you say you’ll do something and don’t, I need you to follow through on your commitments.

19. Don’t Throw Gas On The Fire:
Lazarus’s Rules for Fighting Fairly:
Avoid criticizing the person/group, address a specific behavior. 
Don’t tell the other person what they are thinking or feeling, how they should feel, what they do or don’t know.
Avoid “You always…” / “You never…” Be specific.

20. Don’t Throw Gas On The Fire:
Avoid right-wrong, good-bad categories. Look for collaboration and win-win solutions.
Use “I” instead of “You” messages.
  It ____________________ me
When you ________________
I need you to ______________

21. Don’t Throw Gas On The Fire:
Be direct and honest. Say what you mean, mean what you say.
All parties count. It’s not ok to win at someone else’s expense. You’re on the same team.

22. Don’t Throw Gas On The Fire:
Talk to, not about.
Nip it in the bud. Take care of problems when they are small.
Don’t pile on. Deal with one thing at a time.
Reflect back what you’ve heard before you respond.

23. Soft Pillow Pushback: Restate their excuse or concern, add
“at the same time” or “and” restate your request
Ask again for what you need them to do
Repeat as many times as necessary
“I understand you were busy, and I still need you to follow through on your commitments.”

24. Shoulder the Boulder
Sack the Pack

25. Bad Behavior Left Unchecked Grows
-Dr. Brenda Freeman

28. Find The Humor
Harness The Humor

29. Fill Your Tank
Fill Your Tank

31. Stay In Touch Sherene McHenry, Ph.D., LPC Fully Engaged, LLC
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