3. Relationships
a lá John Gottman

4. Post WW-II history of marriage
Economics
Shift in type of work due to industrialization
Necessity of dual incomes
Technology
Industrialization
Transportation
Birth control

5. Current statistics
The American divorce rate has increased dramatically since the mid 19th century (peak in early '80s).
Between 50-67% of first marriages end in divorce -- and the failure rate for second marriages is 10% higher. Median duration is 7.2 years.
More marriages now end in divorce than death (true since 1974).
Couple therapy is a growing industry: From 1,000 licensed marital therapists in 1972 to over 50,000 today.
Barely half of couples report significant improvement from therapy (compared to over 75% in individual therapy) -- and a third of those who improve have problems later on (Bray & Jouriles).

6. Selecting a Partner
Cohabitation prior to marriage is not associated with marital success
Married sex tends to be more satisfying than single sex

7. Issues that lower the divorce rate:
First marriage
Higher education (college and above)
Married in 20s or 30s (not teens)
Not lived with many partners prior to marriage
Religious convictions
Big wedding
Sibling approval

8. Styles of Marriages
Validating
Volatile
Avoidant

9. Validating more like problem-solving discussions negotiate compromises
Listen and understand each partner’s point of view
Value other while disagreeing
more like problem-solving discussions
negotiate compromises
Value “we-ness” of relationship
Risk: passionless arrangement

10. Volatile Fight on grand scale--make up on grand scale
Highly engaged with each other
See selves as equal parties in relationship
Easily express feelings, opinions, & thoughts
Risk: slide into too much fighting

11. Avoidant Conflict minimizers Agree to disagree--shove it under the rug
Low level of companionship
High degree of autonomy
Risk: Encountering problem too big to avoid

12. Unhealthy Marriage Styles
Validator with an avoider
Validator with Volatile
Avoider with volatile

13. ARE ALL NEGATIVE INTERACTIONS EQUALLY CORROSIVE?
Some ways of interacting are more corrosive to a relationship than others. We call these:
THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE
……………………..

15. Criticism Refers to attacking a spouse’s personality or character
Includes three types
Passing judgment
Bringing in long lists of complaints
Indicating lack of trust in a spouse

16. Criticism “You…” statements “I…” statements
Attacking someone’s personality rather than behavior
Blaming & accusing
“You…” statements
Different from Complaining
“I…” statements
Present to a degree in all relationships

17. Contempt Body language
Refers to the practice of partners insulting one another
Globalization of criticism statements
Includes
Name calling
Insults
Hostile humor
Mockery
Body language

18. Contempt deeper, more personal attack Criticism with intention
Results in decay of admiration or positive feelings for partner

19. What is OK? Complaining is OK
A Complaint is a specific statement of displeasure directed at a specific action or event
A Criticism is much less specific and has blaming language in it
Soft Startup
A Contempt statement involves language that is intended to insult and psychologically abuse the other

20. Defensiveness
Occurs when neither partner takes responsibility for their behaviors
Occurs when one perceives or anticipates a threat to face or relational definition by the other

21. Defensiveness denying responsibility--making excuses
Elicited by criticism & contempt
Includes:
denying responsibility--making excuses
disagreeing with mind reading--yes-butting
cross complaining--Rubber man/woman
repeating self--whining
Result: obstructs communication--conflict escalates

22. The Physiological Components of Marital Conflict
In arguments it takes less negativity for husbands to be overwhelmed
Husbands’ heart rate and blood pressure increases more rapidly, rises higher, and stays elevated longer
Flooding
Leads to Stonewalling 16

23. Stonewalling
Occurs when the communication between the partners has broken down
Men are more likely to stonewall and women are more likely to respond defensively
Conveys disapproval, disgust, smugness

24. Cycle of Negativity Four horsemen are hard to tame
If unchecked, downward spiral/cascade occurs
Flooding occurs--system overload
Chronic flooding leads to distance/isolation cascade

26. NURTURE FRIENDSHIP AND INTIMACY
The first three levels of the Sound Relationship House focus on a couple’s friendship, which is the foundation of a strong relationship.
Build a culture of appreciation, fondness, affection and respect.

27. FRIENDSHIP: TURN TOWARD EACH OTHER
Express needs by stating what you do want, not what you don’t want.
Turn towards each other’s bids for emotional connection, rather than away or against them.
Build an emotion bank account

28. POSITIVE PERSPECTIVE: THE SENTIMENT OVERRIDES
When the first three levels of The Sound Relationship House work well, a relationship contains the Positive Perspective, or in general, positive feelings for one another that OVER-RIDE momentary negativity.  Partners are more likely to give each other the benefit of the doubt.

29. MANAGE CONFLICT CONSTRUCTIVELY
Practice self-soothing to keep calm; take breaks.
Process Regrettable Incidents and Past Emotional Injuries.
Use softened startup.
Repair and de-escalate.
Accept influence – find common ground.
Compromise.
69% of all issues are PERPETUAL: Discuss perpetual problems - move from gridlock to dialogue by focusing on the existential meaning of each person’s position on the issue

30. MAKE LIFE DREAMS COME TRUE
Make the relationship save enough so that each partner can express his or her dreams.
Using the skills of accepting influence and compromise, partners can nurture each other’s dreams while maintaining their own.

31. CREATE SHARED MEANING 
Create meaningful rituals of connection: formal & informal
Create shared meaning for relationship by expressing values, roles, goals, and narratives.
Share ideas about legacy and meaning in order to create shared cultural rituals and purpose.